my wife has man flu* help *she’s about to start her period

Remember when people on the board of OpenAI staged a coup to oust Altman because they said he couldn’t be trusted with this technology? Maybe, just maybe, everyone should have listened to them.

Thought this was a picture of my ass for a minute

I know most of the focus is on RFK Jr.'s weird horny texts, but the news that he used to spam Bill Nye with anti-vax weirdness and Bill was like, "Dude, you're you're confusing correlation for causation" is the only RFK text-message news I will ever need.

THIS COUNTS AS PHYSICAL THERAPY

"Let me get this straight. Your lab has bred a dragon?" "A wyvern, director. It has two legs, two wings, whereas a-." "Which flies, breathes fire, and is intelligent?" "About as intelligent as a border collie." "So, intelligent. Why?" "You asked us to invent measures to take down small drones."

me: I haven’t lost that much strength in my right hand, I AM FINE also me: *literally can’t type on my phone without my right hand absolutely losing her shit lol*

Dreamed green gummy bears were reenacting the nativity

FIRST ONE IN MY WHOLE LIFE MY JAW WAS ALREADY RELAXED I WIN MENTAL HEALTH

Wanting to lie here vs needing to pee

Randomly, out of nowhere, someone texted and asked if they were coming to clean my house tomorrow OBVS I SAID YES Now I just need someone to come over at bedtime when I lie down and I remember every part of my body hurts like a mf Preferably someone with strong hands and good massage oil!

my wife says I can have a ho phase if I want to have one but lol I am too Demi 😭😭

Took a Kinsey test at the bar with my wife and ex husband and both my wife and ex husband got a 5 and I only got a 3.5 (I took a second test after my 3 and got a 4) and I am UPSET

If I’m going to gain 30 pounds on 1400 calories a day, at least most of that is going to my boobs and thighs 🤷🏼‍♀️

As this is an ongoing Luna series, I would like to point out I will also have someone to do neck and back/shoulder/head work BEFORE sleep. It’s just my legs hurt the most when I’m trying to sleep and also I’m SADDEST so a head pet would be nice!

why is 9:30 SO FAR AWAY

PSA! If you go to CVS for your vaccines, you have to lie on the depression screening because if you’re honest they HAVE to send you to the hospital and no one has time for that!!

When I am a billionaire I am going to hire one person to rub my legs until I fall asleep and another to pet my hair

I feel like I had a dream about tabby cats and how stupid they were and then it was me, I was the tabby cat lol

That time foxy came to me for help to get porcupine quills out of nose….

Putting your kink on main like

I was the most femme one in the trio this weekend, so two people opened doors for me AT THE SAME TIME and I was like, yes, thank you, I AM a princess (and then I told them to keep doing it)

RSD is fun because you can be the one to send a polite message to a woman to tell her you’re not in a good place to date right now and she can very politely reply neither am I but you’re so delightful, we’ll keep being friends. But you will spend the next 24 hrs feeling like unlovable garbage

My wife: the base is flared me: NO

hey guys i made a seasonal meme

wait wait wait I’m sorry what was the sex pest’s name?

why are we shame spiraling brain?? wtf

some of you will never understand the satisfaction of your fart just being a fart and it shows

Was trying to text “I love you” and my phone kept trying to correct it to “I love toys??” Like ok phone wow

Idk how to respond to people who place a great deal of self worth in their physical accomplishments as someone who’s undergone a catastrophic neurological injury. It’s like… you’re proud and happy for yourself so I guess I am too? It’s weird tho? Like watching people brag about functional GI systems

Whereas the top wolves are basically just acting like parents and making sure everybody’s got food and letting the cubs crawl all over them. Honestly, the most wolf-like people around are mom friends and the dads who check your oil and sneak jumper cables into your trunk.

me: here are all the ways I’ve brainstormed breaking up with my therapist my son: girl, just tell her you are a bad match and move on, that’s what a mentally healthy person would do me: well if I HAD A BETTER THERAPIST maybe I’d be more mentally healthy, but here we are

When your brain finally lets you have a sex dream, only it’s 1) with a dude 2) who finds you so repulsive he cries afterwards 🫠

once again asking when someone with REALLY STRONG HANDS and a love affair with deep tissue massage will become obsessed with me

Quantum mechanics are a bitch that way and it makes it DIFFICULT to be an ethical storyteller FR

Some AO3 author just discovered that whatever they write will come to pass in reality

Currently telling my wife about all the times I’m pretty sure I was having seizures as a child and the adults around me made fun of me instead of taking me to the doctor lol

whether or not it’s true, Clinton should casually say something like “Oh yeah, he wasn’t very good at it though”, 50/50 chance we get a Truth Social post like “I give the BESR blowies, MANY PEOPLE ARE SAYING, you can ask many men and they ALL say the SAME THING, sir, tears in their eyes,”

I played the piano for the first time in like a year last night. I was afraid how it’d go because I’ve lost so much control over my right hand, but it could have gone worse! I’ve lost some dexterity and some muscle memory, but I was able to play not too badly

OK but it is a little funny how my insurance was like “oh, you’re depressed? KYS” ChatGPT ass insurance

Insurance denied my spravato (synthetic ketamine) prescription, cause I guess they’d just rather I’d [redacted] Fuck this system man Gotta come up with 12 x $450 to pay out of pocket for a round of regular infusions cool cool cool

I just spent 30 minutes doing hard cleaning??? I don’t think I have done this since the stroke

This morning my perimenopausal body decided to WAKE ME UP EARLY and I was ABSOLUTELY DRENCHED in sweat and I do think it’s very funny my body is like “no shower? No problem. I can make my OWN shower”

TFW you cough so hard you pee your pants in the car (like PEE them) and when you get home your child is not only in your shower, she stays in it so long, there is no more hot water and the hot water heater is setting off an overheating alarm

my therapist thinks I’m “too inwardly focused” and need to “focus on things outside of myself” I did not tell her to fuck off (out loud) Plz clap

In a weird way, quitting Twitter felt a little like leaving the Mormon church? Because I stayed a lot longer than I should have because I felt like I could change it by staying. And maybe I could for awhile. But then it just ended up hurting me too much and did nothing anyway And yet?

I had to try to explain JCO to my mother tonight. She was like "isn't she just an author?" and I was like "no, you don't understand, she's an eldritch poster" and she doesn't know what that means and trying to explain JCO is so difficult

does it count as a self harm thought if I want to [redacted] for the sole purpose of forcing some dumbass doctor to actually look inside my stomach where it has been hurting so badly for so long so they can just fucking see what’s there if anything

Zuck has made me* too powerful by letting me unsend DMs *my anxiety

ok but how about a 50 billion year mortgage