Boundaries. We gotta teach them to kids. And it’s hard. Because I know my daughter wants to play Roblox with me or her dad, she asked us last night and this morning. But we’ve got a birthday party to go to, and we just got back from a three day vacation from Wild Lodge and the house is a wreck. (1)

Best. Mother’s Day. Gift. Ever.

My seven year old looking at a truly horrific meatloaf: “Gordon Ramsey would not approve.”

Man. Kinda wish JK Rowling had just gotten into sudoku or something. Not to preserve the sanctity of Harry Potter just for like. A deterrent to her being nasty to transgender and asexual people.

My friend Jose is an actor model and we found one of his projects with his wife at the movie theater. Now my seven year old thinks I know Captain America. No, baby, I don’t know Anthony Mackie. She’s very disappointed. In me.

To the buyers of big box affordable clothing: for the love of God, do not flood the market with peplum blouses. I’m 40, I’m on a budget, and I will look like a lopsided sausage. Please. I am so tired.

I’m really glad Casey Anthony got bullied off of TikTok. Good.

I think my favorite postpartem memory was holding my five month old & being so tired, but desperately trying to hold a conversation with my mother with what we had in the TV, so I said “You know what? The main guy in Gattaca reminds me of Ethan Hawke.” “Honey. That’s because that is Ethan Hawke.”

Explaining the Guthries to my husband has been a wild journey. “What do you mean there’s a midwestern family and all five of the kids are mutants?” We salute Lucinda and Thomas for their contribution. 🫡

The halftime show was phenomenal!

Wisdom from my four year old: We can bring Perla (our cat) to the water park. We, in fact, cannot and will not do that.

“Well we can just play with sharks and give them pets.” -my four year old, arguing with me in a kind way why we can play with sharks. That’s the whole basis of her argument. We can just.

I don’t know if anyone else cares about this X-Men fact, but I love that Shatterstar and Adam X destroyed Murderworld so bad that Arcade put them on a “do not kidnap again” list.

y'all fuck with [conspiratorial whisper] pleasant diversions?

Why… are there so many high waisted skinny pants and jeans out there I’m gonna look like Doctor Robotnik.

What stage of life is looking at Cillian Murphy’s character from 28 Days/Weeks/Years Later franchise and yelling “GOD! This man has gone through it!”

Is there a t-shirt or a hat I can wear for people constantly wanting to try and pull “gotcha” moments on me? I’ll just get it to say “mm-hm, oh, wow, yah.” and point to each one as the response fits so I can keep reading my book.

My seven year old delivered a “deez nuts” joke with *impeccable* timing. So, I gathered my jaw and asked her if she knew what that meant, she of course didn’t, she heard it at school, etc. I told her how it’s a grown up joke and not appropriate for kids, but good lord. I was thrown.

I forgot I had a Twitter/X, so I deleted it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Listen, about 85% of the ocean floor has not yet been explored yet. There could be a really cool used bookstore down there.

I got asked why I’m so “loud” about trans rights and don’t I feel like it’s taking away from my womanhood???? Except, trans people aren’t the ones whittling away at my reproductive health and rights; it’s all cis men and women.

Quit dunking Mercury into Gatorade. The other Sailor Scouts are gonna get pissed.

Listening to my six year old sing to Kate Bush because the world didn’t end when I was 17. ❤️

It’s hilarious to remember. One year she decided that the problem was not the color of jellybeans, but rather the size. So she replaced them with those giant, fist-sized Brach’s jelly beans. And that was the year the lamb cake had black voids for eyeballs.

My grandmother used to make lamb cakes every Easter and insist on using red or black jelly beans for eyes and the red gel icing for the nose and mouth. Every year. And every year she would be confused as to why it “didn’t look quite right”.

As this “Alpha Dom” dude makes his way around the internet, saying “you don’t have to accept her rejection”— that may be true. But you will surely have no choice but to accept her pepper spray.

The Westchester County Superintendent like

“I’m not impressed with Margot Robbie’s look at the Oscars.” Well, maybe she didn’t do it for you.

these people keep being like "oh so you're going to get a COVID shot every year until you DIE?" yeah man! I'm also going to drink water every day! Every few years I buy new socks! Time moves inexorably onwards, what the fuck do you think we are talking about here?

At 10 a sliver of bells starts faintly when the Fair Folk come. They order toasted sesame bagels with regular cream cheese and somehow, even though it’s not on the menu, large bowls of frothy coffee with extra milk. They sip in between gossip, tittering at the goblins who order fruit tarts.

At the witching hour, when the stoves have burned to ash, the Night Bakery wraps the lingering scent of bread. It’s given to ghosts at no charge, for they paid enough in life.

Rats perpetually look like they’re saying, “Oh! Why, hello there~,”.

My short horror story is 41 pages, printed. I’m giddy!

Is the door opening in an agonizing and slow creak because of a ghost or my cat? A TED talk by me.

The sheer relief when your preschooler starts blending sounds with an L— a clock is now a clock instead of “c*ck”.

Into the void— my cat may be high.

The Skarsgårds are goth Hemsworths

To everyone who wrote “you are so nice/stay nice/stay sweet” in my yearbooks— ooh buddy. 😬 I’m sorry to have to inform you….

I love the trees at our home but damn if this one doesn’t look like it’s about to swallow a white boy while the rest of us scream for Carol Anne.

In recent adventures, I was suddenly aware of a lot more floaters in my *very* myopic left eye, made an appointment to the optometrist, and then spent a few hours taking pictures of my pupil because I was afraid of retinal detachment or eye cancer.

The judgement.

Reading House Of Leaves for the first time.

Baby grumpus.

When I was a kid, I’d really hate “unanswered questions”. I wanted all the info but now, I love a good mystery. That being said, I would be super content if Niffty ‘s whole backstory was never revealed. She’s utterly charming as is. Kimiko Glenn is brilliant.

“Let me cuddle here and tell me I’m pretty.”