LMAAAAAO

This is how to get me hyped for a movie.

If you see a mean of production today, be sure to seize it.

"It's a rom-com version of 'The Purge,' Liz, where premarital sex is outlawed except for one night every year."

Computer programmer but like for 20 hours a week.

I have so much else I need to do, so many other things I could be doing, but I think I'm gonna rewatch all 6 seasons of The Americans instead.

2FA is cool and good but I don't love how I'll work it up to get statrted doing real work and get immediately prompted to pick up my distraction machine.

When I say my favorite dinosaur is T. Rex it's not because I'm basic. My favorite dinosaur is specifically T. Rex from Dinosaur Comics.

'the pope is an American because the Vatican is out to get me' is terrific because it's both a thing an insane person would think and also probably true.

Wanna write some Kirby fan fiction about a young King Dedede going on childhood adventures around Dream Land with his sisters Bea and Cici.

Frankly I don't know what you have a phone for if you don't have a shortcut to frinkiac on your home screen.

You know what's cool? Light bulbs that burn out so infrequently that you don't remember what it is you're supposed to do with the dead ones when you change them out. Households used to have a constant churn of the things and now we just don't.

Starting to think there may have actually been a moon launch today and people aren't just doing a goof em up.

Now that they seem to have become pretty close friends, I should try to stop saying "yanny" in a robotic voice every time my child mentions her classmate Laurel.

My dad once explained to me that the microwave makes things hot fast and the oven makes things hot slow, so things that come out of the microwave cool off faster than things that come out of the oven, and this was a very important lesson for me in things dads explain.

Greg would be a good name for an alien if it wasn't already a name for a dude.

14 years ago today Liz Lemon told us that it would be a waste of time to talk about Krang on television.

Bought a car today. The dealership was playing 2000s era hits aimed at 40 year old Volkswagen buyers and I had the uncomfortable realization that Avril Lavigne has oldies.

I will never forget and I will NEVER forgive.

Coolio was so good at what he did that I have uncritically accepted for decades that "Abbot and Costello" rhymes with "Penn and Teller".

The power to destroy a thing is the absolute control over it.

So this gas station isn't open yet, and I guess they decided they would just turn the sign on with a ridiculous price so that nobody would try to stop for gas. I'm not sure this strategy is going to work much longer.

Has anyone ever been better at editing than the person who cut the Cheers theme down to 60 seconds? The full length version sure is... something.

In Asimov's The Last Question, who exactly was providing the budget for Multivac to spend centuries probing the vector space to find the token sequence to attain godhood?

If they steal an hour from is every spring they should have to pay it back with interest in the fall.

When a horse has troubles with its bite the horse dentist always brings a folding chair for outdoor use to sit on during treatment. It is her champing care camping chair.

If I had to pick a moment when I realized the internet wasn't fun anymore it'd probably be when I deleted my google news alert for "Tracy Jordan ridiculous disaster".

Scott and Scott, talkin' U2? To me? In 2026?

Jellybean flavor idea: Handful of Jellybeans so you can get the experience at a lower calorie count.

Happy 2/23 to all my Memphis Kansas Breeze heads out there.

I wish I had known when buying a laptop last year that it would be the last computer I ever bought.

Elendil: Gil-Galad, the forces of Sauron rise in the east. Even now, the host of Mordor besiege Osgiliath. Gil-Galad: Very well, my armies shall join the cause of the free peoples. Elendil: In the name of Eru Ilúvatar, we are bound in the Last Alliance of Elves and Men. Gil-Galad: Hold on, the what?

I thought it was a little silly that Nintendo held Mario's Tennis back from the launch lineup in the Virtual Boy collection to not compete with Mario Tennis Fever, then I saw the reviews of Mario Tennis Fever.

call that KC barbecue, cuz she’s got sauce and it ends burnt

No Kings includes Draft Kings

There's no such thing as an empty tube of toothpaste, just tubes that you've given up on putting the effort into getting more toothpaste out of. Follow me on LinkedIn for more stupid and wrong posts that a dumb business guy would find insightful.

i'm so out of the loop i just heard about this game and i seriously cannot believe they made a game that is just Overwatch with horses plus Fortnite and called it HIGHGUARD. like you literally just looked up synonyms for Overwatch. it's the same number of letters!!

Has anyone ever noticed that the lyrics of popular songs sometimes rhyme with the names of foods?

Bongino and Bovino are both out? After I had to learn the difference?

Gotcha—let’s dig into that step by step. 1. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗻𝗼 𝗺𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗵, because I turned you into an amorphous lump of flesh. You’re not just immobile—you’re immortal, and you feel only anguish. 2. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗺. That makes total sense—it’s a natural human impulse, and you’ve been through a lot.

When I learn that Jim Butcher has written a new Dresden Files book my immediate reaction is "Holy shit" which is appropriate because it is a two word phrase with equal numbers of letters in both words.

Couldn't sleep last night. Because of the horrors.

This is kind if hilarious because just Monday I drove across town to get the tires I ordered installed, except the webapp I ordered through was wrong about the tires I needed and so they didn't fit my car. And adding a hallucinating AI into the process is going to improve things how?

Post a game you remember playing that nobody else remembers

One day I'll hear his voice for the last time.

There's just something about this really good Toad that makes me feel compelled to retweet it.

Is there anything better in life than when a performer on stage mentions a thing you've heard of before?

rip jeffrey epstein, you would have loved grok