You'd have thought they'd put mirrors in the loos of the place where they dye your eyeballs yellow

Early eye appointment, cinema matinee, Tescos for girl dinner bits, kill Phil (sorry Phil) home in time for lunch

Managed a grand total of three hours' sleep. On the upside, I whipped up a butterscotch Angel Delight at 6 am.

I don't want to alarm anyone, but Hux just started, stared at the corner of the room, let out a low growl and sprinted downstairs

I have had a cheap haircut to save money. I now need an expensive haircut to sort it out

Them there Super Furry Animals at an uncomfortably packed and sweaty Brixton Academy

I have starlings nesting in my attic, squatting in the desirable suburban loft space recently vacated by a squirrel. Turns out they're more adept at removing the packing material the pest control put there to prevent repeated ingress.

No, I cannot "hop on a Zoom call" due to working naked from the waist up like a navvy because it's hotter and more humid than Satan's jockstrap

Stumbled across an injury claim fraud

Quote with a fictional band that is not Spinal Tap.

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK was released 46 years ago today. One of Hollywood’s most popular films and most anticipated and acclaimed sequels, the making of story is as huge as you’d expect. 1/39

Forget sharing the last picture you saved, I want to see the very first picture on your phone. Scroll back until your fingers bleed. (This is actually from the 80s, in case you couldn't tell, but it's still the first one in my reel)

Sick though I am of the cold and wet, I'm not especially looking forward to it suddenly being 30C over the bank holiday weekend and bringing out all the worst people* *anyone other than my friends** **and David Attenborough

Pivot. #art #cats

My neighbour has hung three pairs of oven gloves - and nothing else - out to dry. This seems like a surfeit of oven gloves.

Post a meme made by you.

Overstimulated

All done! How about you?

A reminder to everyone who stripped the bed today to make sure you put fresh bed linen on now and not just before you attempt to collapse into it at midnight. It's me. The reminder is for me.

Current status: donating my 50th armful and representing shoegaze

Is it normal to wake every day with an earworm that haunts you for the rest of the day? Is it normal that today's is Wombling Merry Christmas? Is it normal to subconsciously grind your teeth along to it when things get stressful?

Cause of injury: tripping over while staring at Merlin to identify what bird is shouting at me

Four year anniversary of me posting this to Twitter (RIP) and having Half Man Half Biscuit mansplained to me repeatedly

Did some digging up and planting in the tiny plot in my front drive. A neighbour from a few streets over out walking her bulldog stopped for a chat. She described in great detail every plant in her garden, all of which were, surprisingly, called "Wossname."

So Badgers has been added to the BFI archives. Honestly this feels like quiite an honor. www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNqb...

I'm so tired. Eight months since I lost my job, scrabbling around for scraps of freelance in a bid to remain solvent. It's getting really hard to get up in the morning and function like a human being. The stupid thing is, my brain won't even let me enjoy the days with nothing to do.

Filling a job application from 1999

Not sure about the casting for this new Morrisey biopic

So Burnham would

Amount the many, considerable frustrations of modern job-hunting is the amount of phishing I've had to ensure. I've had two emails today offering me interviews with Apple and Ray-Ban respectively. Yesterday I had a robocall saying "add this number to WhatsApp so a recruiter can message you" 🙄🙄🙄

It's an exhausting time to own a cat who likes nothing more that going out in the rain just so she can come in and get towelled off again and again and again...

PSA for Hitchhiker friends - our 'Touring Radio Version' Marvin the Paranoid Android will be helping unveil a plaque to Douglas Adams at the Don't Panic Festival in Stalbridge on Towel Day, Monday 25th May, and walking about afterwards to unbrighten everyone's day. Don't Panic - and Don't Miss Him.

"You can't get new pets, we've got pets at home." The pets at home: Court cases in Kenya point to a growing market for ants as exotic pets in Asia and Europe that has implications for conservation and biosecurity share.google/0LNImcOeZ68y...

I feel cheated by having post heatwave weather without the heatwave first

It's hailing so heavily it's set someone's car alarm off

I need a job. And a holiday. And a haircut. And a life-size T. rex skeleton.

"Placebeer"

"Break their hearts, my pride and hope, break their hearts and have no mercy!" - Miss Haviscat

There's no chocolate in the house because Past Berry thought "I'll only eat it." Fuck that bitch

Can't prove this but maybe the reason for Attenborough's longevity is that whenever Paddington arrives to shepherd his soul on, he fends him off with his powers of nature narration. "The perplexed ursine psychopomp withdraws, his hunt unsuccessful. Perhaps a 1970s bass player will make easier prey."

I once set a quiz round that was simply "is this moth name real or made up?" Because moth names, man.

I'm not saying i like to live dangerously, but I keep my Worcestershire sauce, soy sauce and Baby Bio on the same shelf

Turns out doing this pose to show off your new frock gives less "dreampop" and more "pardon?"

Why does it look like Rachel Reeves is officiating a wedding between Keir Starmer and Gordon Brown

"Bonjour"

"Girl dinner"

I've had a violent stomach upset today, and I'm not entirely sure whether I've given myself food poisoning or if it's just the fucking state of everything

Doom-refreshing the results page and the smug faces of *those* councillors and their supporters look exactly as you'd suspect.

Here’s a poem called ‘Life of a Naturalist’.