Modernism

Noice Wordle 1,558 3/6 ⬛⬛⬛🟩🟩 ⬛🟩⬛🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

The final instruction on my ready meal is "Tuck in!" Why, thank you, convenience food. I might have forgotten to do the eating part without your oversight.

I've no idea whether my mum took paracetamol when she was pregnant, but I know she smoked 20 a day and her doctor advised her to drink Guinness for anaemia and I turned out just fine* * opinions may vary

*speaks into lapel mic* “delta six to delta base, women are attempting pockets. I repeat: Women are attempting pockets.” “Roger that, delta six. Sending a squad now.”

Look at these pockets! Look at this skirt! LOOK AT THESE POCKETS!!! BRB, off to order one

I like to think the gulls are sporting jaunty little hats

Wake up babe, a new megaraptor just dropped. www.newscientist.com/article/2497...

Women don't just want pockets. We want 70s dad pockets, with capacity for door keys, house keys, wallet, change, dirty hanky, clean hanky (to offer ladies), travel card, driving licence, pack of 20 Embassy Number 1, a lighter, comb and several conkers picked up on the way home

Time suckage

Just found and am consuming the lolly my tattoo artist gave me for being a big girl and not crying

Can the Rapture hold off until Slow Horses season 5 has finished, please? 🙏🏻 While we're at it, season 6 is in the can, so...

Astonishing footage of coelocanths on BBC Two now. They're bigger and bluer than you'd expect. "Oh, hai"

"Yes, your majesty, it's a very flattering portrait. The neckline? No, not too low at all..." #AntiquesRoadshow

Vanishing point

Just came home from a walk with pockets full of conkers, ostensibly for my botanical drawing course. My inner eight-year-old is delighted

Can't help but think it'd have been a different film if it'd been called Hand Baggage

Disappointing Carry On film. Very few laughs and doesn't even have Sid James in.

These fortune cookies are either desperately underinformed or sarcastic

Happy Batman Day!

We didn't realise at the time we'd peaked, design-wise

And this is Batman's Aff His Nut by Robert Florence, which, in my opinion, is easily the greatest Scottish poem ever written about Batman...

Two wits. Two Hughs.

Watching the World Athletics Championships thinking "I could do that" is very low stakes when you have no intention of actually trying. There's an adorable Kiwi shotputter who looks like a lightly inflated Björk

I absolutely love this still from my tattoo artist's story. Just look at my happy little face!

Would it really, cosmically speaking, matter if I did absolutely fuck-all today?

I have sprouted

Remember during lockdown when we all said, "Turns out it wasn't the commute that was preventing me from doing all the things I need or want to do"? Turns out it wasn't having a job, either 😬

I've never had the slightest interest in being a politician, but I reckon if someone made me a leader of a political party tomorrow and didn't even tell me or ask me to do anything, I'd do a better job than most of the current shower

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. Plus it's fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Jerry Hall and Philippa Perry, driving a vintage car around on Celebrity Antiques Road Trip, are the unlikely crime-fighting duo we didn't know we needed

Just made some fish with Panko Pesto, which sounds like a beloved pantomime character.

Just did a massive backwards step into thin air off a two-foot elevated flower bed I forgot I was standing on. I was amazed to end up upright, but my ankle might be having words tomorrow 😫

Wake up, babe. A new pachycephalosaur just dropped New dome-headed dinosaur species is the most complete pachycephalosaur ever found | Natural History Museum www.nhm.ac.uk/discover/new...

Alien: Nerfed

The scene breaks in Alien: Earth are just that bit too long that I think the telly box has closed down

I'm dating someone who lives in a cylindrical tower on a rocky coast. I think he's a keeper.

It's incredible how close the Red Arrows fly together, must take nerves of steel

Roses are red Sweetly sings the lark

Even in the 1500s, DFS had a sale on.

Calling peoples' employers in a rage because their tributes to Robert Redford weren't horny enough

Turns out I first made this observation on Facebook 12 years ago. I bore even myself 😔

we'll never top this

I've got a training course on imposter syndrome tomorrow, but I'm worried they enrolled me by mistake. Hilariously true.

Ooh! Catching up with Invasion and the London bits are filmed in Enfield!

"Literally"

‘Oh Well...’

You may think you make niche references, but I'm wearing a perfume called Botanista to a botanical illustration class, and literally no one else will get it.