Horny Puritan preachers in 17th century Massachusetts be like "Sinners in the hands of an angry PAWG"

Someone is 11 today (though we've only had him for 3ish years) 🎂

Pumpkin is NOT a thunderstorm appreciator

If English people are from England, then Cornish people are from Cornland 🌽

The poor wet game hens 😭

A mango tastes like a peach that's trying too hard

Hit my knee on the side of the forklift at work. It looks less bad than it feels. That slight red line is bruising. Might look worse tomorrow.

I will NOT partake of your pre-planned, "Factor" palantir meals

I’m gonna drain your balls … I mean drain you of your poke balls 😳

I learned that some of you call sprinkles "jimmies" and there will be no forgiveness for this

That ex you ruined things with 13 years would TOTALLY take you back if you won the powerball

I first learned this song in High School. I really am NOT nostalgic for that time (20+ years ago), but it does make me a little emotional. State dependent memory and all that. youtu.be/V0vJNQ_KXJY?...

It's so foggy from all the snow melt

No wonder UW has so many satellite campuses

I've never been right, honestly

does it have to be a plane or can you just like have sex in denver or something

if you camp in the rocky mountains you could join the two mile high club or even the almost three

my hobbies include imagining i’m in a situation that will never happen.

I'm a financial advisor. Humans are *very bad* at tracking, contextualizing, and understanding spending. Like 80%+ of my clients who claim to live "paycheck to paycheck" have also immediately upgraded [car/house/electronics] significantly after minor pay increases.

I am beyond over the Economic Despair Doomers, who talk to you like you're some kind of silver-spoon aristocrat if you dare notice that the vast majority of Americans are not poor, not starving, not carefully counting every single penny that leaves their bank account. They're just lying constantly

the hostage negotiation thing is really what gets me i think you were a dumbfuck if you didn't see the stakes in 2024 but we have all seen the consequences firsthand now, there's no excuse if you think there's anything worth withholding your vote over then you are not worth listening to

Sunday sleepies

Correct. The advantage of Fahrenheit is that it maps onto a 0-100 scale that everyone is familiar with because ... school. 0 - 20 = very cold 20 - 40 = cold 40 - 60 = not warm or cold 60 - 80 = warm 80 - 100 = very warm it's beautiful

Believers be like "I'm Christmaxxing"

it's officially iced latte season

Bluesky: "American soft power is dead and will never recover" The French: "gimme some of that American bread for my sandwich, yo"

Too much Valentine's fun

I remain perplexed how, with so many good looking people of all genders and nongenders, people aren't just sort of pansexual by default. It's mostly society methinks. Socialization makes you less likely to try something different. It's the same reason some folks never go for Chinese or Sushi.

Anno Domini: Jesus liked to order pizza

As a purveyor of the bisexual arts...

[taking a survey] "sex?" yes please "no, I mean male or female" either is fine really. whoever will have me

I asked her if she had big valentine's plans, and she said she was spending the afternoon with her best friend

If 65 is too cold for a t shirt, you are pampered beyond words

LGBeeT

Sleeping at the foot of the stairs

Nice try, MAGA dickbag

RULE VOTE FAILS, 217-214. Three Republicans- Thomas Massie, Kevin Kiley, and Don Bacon - buck the party to allow floor consideration of measures to end Trump's tariffs. The first such measure, likely on Canada tariffs, could come up as soon as tomorrow

Helluva statement from Colorado Rep Crow (D) on the Trump administration's failure to indict him and others

There were 3 legislative specials today, all very uncompetitive seats. Final results? Per @the-downballot.com: —Virginia HD05: Dems hold by 64 in a Harris +60 seat —Virginia SD39: Dems hold by 66 in a Harris +56 seat —Oklahoma HD35: GOP holds by 28 in a Trump +58 district

Ohio?

Tfw an intellectual giant but a social infant

Buttmogged by an osprey

I feel like we genuinely learned to count to 10 in Spanish in elementary school. Like I knew it long before I took high school Spanish. But people are saying Sesame Street? Maybe it was there or there too.

Congrats Seahawks 🥳