Fuck it, I'm gonna be a pirate. Anyone have a boat?

Sorry I can’t go out tonight, I’m livin’ la vida loca with some pizza.

I think my perpetual motion machine is broke, it won't turn off, HELP!

I told my kids we were going to a car show and just walked them through a Wal-Mart parking lot for an hour.

I taught my cat how to hold a knife and I now regret that decision.

Sorry I haven't posted in 6 months, I was in the shower.

Hey @johngreensbluesky.bsky.social , the school board here in Alberta ( the Texas of Canada), is banning Looking for Alaska in all grades, apparently it’s too risqué for an 18 year old in grade 12 (insert eye rolling emoji here) @hankgreen.bsky.social

No one will be laughing at my waterwings when the polar ice caps melt.

Dear manager, this week I talked to corporate hit on debra got rejected shit on debras desk blacked out in the sewer met a giant fish fucked it's brains out turned into a jet bombed the russians crashed into the sun died As you can see, it was a VERY productive week.

I call dibs on being the next president.

I opened this up to say something mind-blowing, but now I can't remember what it was. I think it was something to do with bananas? Bears?

Stars aren’t real, it’s just a bunch of dudes night hang-gliding with flashlights

I rode off into the sunset and now it's 2 am and I can hear wolves. Send help, and pizza.

I let my skeleton out of my skin every now and then so it can get some fresh air.

I'm pretty sure someone broke into my house and stole my loofah.

Studies show that most people are unprepared for me to suddenly make an alarming seagull noise at them

As a kid I used to think that everyone thought in English but it just came out wrong when they talked.

The big bad wolf didn't even try to fuck with the 4th little pig who built his house out of wolf pelts.

I'm bored, might attempt to be the first person to successfully toboggan down mount Everest while blindfolded.

My dad went out doing what he loved; dribbling a basketball between his legs, hitting himself in the groin, and stumbling and tripping into a wood chipper that was on the court for some reason

I keep my mouth full of water at all times just in case I have to do a spit-take.

Miles Davis had to release his albums under the name "Kilometers Davis" outside of the U.S.

I get all my news from the radio waves my fillings pick up.

I let Jesus take the wheel and now I'm sitting outside a 7-11 in a sketchy part of town while he grabs some smokes.

Test post please ignore.

I hate it when other people exist.

The pyramids were built to store the pharaohs Pokémon card collection.

Fine, I guess I’ll bring back 1970’s super small green gym shorts for men all by myself, you cowards!

You can turn any pair of jeans into skinny jeans if you eat enough.

On this day, 25 years ago, I took a shower.

Happy "take your couch to work" day!

I passed my daughters "vibe check", whatever the hell that means.

Nobody tell trump about Lake Ontario or he’s gonna go all “gulf of America”on it

I'm pretty sure I sold my soul back in grade 4 for a couple cookies.

Every other country should rename the gulf of mexico so it's just full of random names in parentheses.

My favorite part of Jaws is when the shark jumps up and says "it's chompin time"

I got the window seat on my flight to Victoria but it didn't even open?!? What's the point of a window if I can't even open it to get a cool breeze going?

Who will win the superbowl, according to the people in my house who don't watch sports: - Andrew - Toronto Maple Leafs - Tomatoes

A haiku: This is a haiku Also this is a haiku I wrote a haiku

Golfers should just get a hole in one on every hole, it's kind of weird none of them thought of that before.

When a cop asks you why you think they pulled you over, do NOT say "the dead body in my trunk?" They won't think it's as funny as you do.

It's almost Valentines Day, if you haven't ordered your 30lb tub of mayonnaise for your loved one yet it might be too late.

Drawing conclusions

I don't think the people who figure out serving sizes have ever actually eaten or even heard of food.

I think 15 is probably a good amount of doorknobs to put in your sack of doorknobs.

My stupid murder robot keeps hugging people and telling them they're beautiful.

Wait, if you're insane in the membrane & insane in the brain, but also crazy insane and got no brain, are you actually insane?

I'm starting to regret buying a house next to an after-hours gong and chainsaw enthusiast club.

One time I saw a tree. Just thought you should know.

I always carry a Ziplock bag of human hair for crime scene tampering.