The trailer they keep playing with Joseph Fiennes as Gareth Southgate - don't you think there's something of Capt Haddock about him? (I mean that in a positive way)

Whoever bought that podium must be very pleased at the use it’s getting. Do they keep it just inside the front door? ‘Back under the stairs?’ ‘No, it’ll be out again any minute.’

National anthems all sound meaninglessly the same because they all use the same instruments. Brazil should use a berimbau, America a banjo, Switzerland a cuckoo clock.

Very gothic steps total today.

one for sorrow two for joy three for a girl four for a boy five for silver six for actually that's a lot of magpies seven for oh no they are massing eight for oh my god they're going to attack nine for run, run away now ten for magpies Magpies MAGPIES

British Airways are getting very snooty about what we're reading.

Sometimes you can see what Turner saw.

Dear Hotels throughout the world - please stop tucking in the duvets.

Coming 12th August (or 12th of Augsburg as predictive texting suggested)

Playing scrabble on an old app - it says covid isn’t a word…

Research question for project set in 1997 - does anyone know when quiet carriages were introduced?

Hottest day of the year, but the grandchildren have insisted on watching Muppet Christmas Carol…

Birdwatchers - Just seen a flock of seagulls (not the band) seemingly caught in a thermal above Dartmoor - is this a thing? I'd say there were around 100 of them.

If I was in charge of such things, I would put a compilation of the national juries giving their points on Eurovision in any attempted communication with other galaxies. Just to give them a heads up. Then they can decide.

Alien Earth is coming later this summer. I'm the one on the right.

The more television I watch, the more I feel I am turning into Giles from Gogglebox. (Or maybe it’s the other way round).

Easter Sunday always reminds me of the gift shop at a cathedral near Palermo, when the woman in front of me said: 'Oh, and a man on a stick, please.'

I always thought that if nuclear armageddon came a spaceman would land on earth many centuries later to find the snooker was still on the telly.

It always feels like the 70s when the snooker’s on the telly.

Planted lots of my veg seedlings out earlier this week, when it was warm and sunny, but now the long range forecast is saying we’ll get frosts again. Puts the prospects of world recession into perspective. I know just how China feels.

I know there’s a lot going on, and it’s all a bit worrying, but the most important thing as far as I see it is this: we should ban drums at football matches. There, I’ve said it. Pile on if you must, but you know I’m right.

Sorting out my CDs. It's safe to assume I'm a Mott the Hoople fan.

Thinking about how Bono (the Mercedes engineer) used to say 'It's Hammer Time' to Hamilton. Will he now say 'It's Aunty Time' to Antonelli?

I've written a play about 4 actors from a production of Waiting For Godot, who are waiting for the producer to appear, on the day the theatres closed 5 years ago. On tomorrow at 2.15, then afterwards on BBC Sounds. No pressure...

I don't have enough hair to worry about hairstyles, but this new 'mullet patch' looks like a waste of good follicles.

I particularly like the text bottom right that reads 'View more objects from people in North Yorkshire'

I need to know what this is called in other parts of the country. I live in Devon where it's called a 'Devon shovel' - is it called that elsewhere?

@joebarton.bsky.social Black Doves is excellent.

@adrianedmondson.bsky.social I love that in a House of Games word cloud, "scumbag" comes up for University Challenge

I don't mind not being nominated, it's the not winning that hurts.

Did anyone watch the BAFTAs? Did I win? I've lost the ticket, but you never know.

When they say 'And now the tea-time news with Clive Myrie' I expect news about what we might be having for tea - not all this political nonsense.

How did Mr Tumble sneakily recreating the cover to Black Sabbath's debut album escape me for so many years?

Some days I look at what I'm writing and think 'bloody good actually', and other days (like today) I think 'absolute shite'. It's an odd existence.

Very funny line from Paul Simon in this: 'Guitarists spend half their lives tuning their guitars, and the other half playing out of tune.'

The film I would give all the awards to if I were in a position to give out all the awards: The Last Journey.

If you took out the shots of people lighting fags, The Brutalist would be a crisp 50 mins.

My date of birth is closer to the birth of Stan Laurel than it is to today. Which is some comfort.

Just had to look up how old I am. Fuck me...

Yes, the weather's apocalyptic. Yes, it's officially the most depressing week of the year. Yes, the orange oaf is back. BUT it's my ruddy birthday, so I'm off to have fun with 'alcomohol', and I hereby invite you to kick back and join in the festivities wherever you are!

I was once whingeing to Paul McCartney that I'll always be known primarily for the Wombles. Straight-faced, without irony, he said, "Yeah, I have the same problem with The Beatles".😂

Finally finished the turkey... Slight misunderstanding with my butcher when I ordered over the phone - I said 15 lbs, he heard 15 kilos. It was slightly heavier than mt 3yo granddaughter.

West side? Or east side? Happy New Year to all and one!

Delia says I should tidy the house now...

Just watched Gladiator II - was that Derek Nimmo as the elderly senator?

A real oldie from The Oldie... #inuit #igloo #business #cartoon

Paul McCartney, speaking at The Beatles’ last press concert as a touring band on their final American tour, Los Angeles, August 28th 1966.

That feeling when you're casually scrolling through the day's work and realise you've somehow erased ten chapters you haven't backed up, then find them hidden exactly where you'd copied them to, but had forgotten, and you feel happy, but still might vomit... There must be a German word for that?

ONE family with FIVE chopper bikes? FIVE? No wonder everyone’s furious.

Bizarre thing happened to me yesterday that my teenage self would not believe. I was playing at the gig to celebrate the life of the genius that was Neil Innes. Whilst waiting backstage to go on, Michael Palin sang the lumberjack song to me, in German.