I don't know if you've ever met an emu in person but your first thought's going to be "That's a fucking dinosaur."

I moved recently. Ironically this is the only book that took real damage. @tkingfisher.com

🙋‍♀️ Hi, I work for the federal government and I love my job. I feel like I do real, measurable, and good impact in the world. I would rather do that job without pay than see a bizarro world budget pass that is not beneficial to Americans.

Sometimes I go out and do things.

This looks like an Animaniacs short and I mean that in the best way possible.

Mamdani will win even harder if he promises that he will hire Adams on to just give daily press conferences where he can ramble about rat Jedis and how telekinesis is a problem in the dog community and such

Me, at bakery: Out of curiosity how much was I just charged? Cashier: $21 Me: Okay but I only ordered these two things? Cashier: Yes, we have a holiday surcharge. Me: I fully support that, but those two things came out to $11. I do not support a 100% surcharge. Cashier: .... Wait....

The video paused on him looking at his dog and I thought they were just sharing a long, loving gaze.

Between Charlie Kirk and the Mariners I'm ready to believe in witchcraft.

Bed for the evening

Me, in pjs with a sleeping bag, to woman in ball gown in elevator: We're having very different evenings. Her: Oh? Where are you going? Me: The museum for an adult sleepover with the dinosaurs. There will be gin. Her: Oh that sounds lovely. I'm going to a gala. Me: Very different evenings.

Haircut today where the guy pressured me into letting him shave a design into one side. Then he proceeded to cut my hair in a perfectly straight line after it had been flat ironed to an inch of its life. While I do have an undercut, I have never once worn my hair straight. A fact I told him.

Cool beans, mixtape, and n-word. Bit if a mixed bag.

we have so much more in common than what divides us with our friends in asia

How I captain a starship

My pettiest of pet peeves is people saying "standard time" specifically when it is in fact daylight time. "The local time is 8:05 Pacific standard time..." No. No it is not.

I can, without watching the rest of the movie, wander into the final scene and spontaneously burst into tears.

I got Terence Stamp and Terrence Howard mixed up and today's been a weird day.

A mistake was made.

"Bad Krypto!" drawn by me.

Allow me to share one of my favorite tumblr polls of all time

kenny traveler. iykyk.

The devil's rope museum in Texas. Just a giant room devoted to barbed wire. However the best part was the room in the very back filled with footlong pieces of rusty barbed wire you could buy for "crafts" Signs everywhere warning you about tetanus.

On book four of Stormlight Archive and discovering a Sanderson quirk but now I can't unsee. Character will think to themselves "It's been weeks since X happened" and then through some conversation later it turns out it was like 2 days ago.

"i'm afraid to start HRT because it might be taken away" they've already taken it away from you by making you afraid they will make the appointment

Y'all want to see a sexy kangaroo? (Nothing could prepare you for the reality here)

Two days ago I was celebrating that Tom Lehrer was still with us and now he dies dammit.

it does not matter how good you make your game’s block/parry system; I will not use it. My defense is “punch more.” I cannot be taught

The gentleman installing my Internet have been here two hours. This has included pulling down a half dozen of my recessed lights and bringing up a few hundred feet of cable. Now they are giggling. I have no idea if I will have Internet at the end of this.

This is Goose. He's here to perform his own rendition of "Piano Man" by Billy Joel. 13/10 please enjoy

One of my endless annoyances in the world is that Sojourner Truth never said "Ain't I a woman?" in her speech and in fact likely didn't have what we would think of as a Southern accent. Years after the fact a writer made her "more black" and also added in a bunch of stuff.

I'm literally at "replace every democratic in Congress" and yes we'll lose like six I actually like but seriously, replace every democratic in Congress.

Here's how much inflation has grown: in 1975 the bounty to catch the shark in Jaws was only three grand.

You ever see a sign and instantly know it is not for you? So not for you, in fact, you don't even know who it IS for?

Just watched a man confidently tell a woman she should read "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe"

I'm one of the handful of people who regularly give money to wikipedia (I have a monthly auto pay) and I can tell you right now if they start using AI I will be canceling that immediately.

Crosses my fingers we might FINALLY get a third amendment case out of all this.

The kids are fighting and I'm having a great day.

I'm staying at the Lizzie Borden house tonight and they left the freaking stepmom in my room.

The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives has a second season and this is absolutely the worst thing that could have happened to my weekend.

I wish I was the person that I think I am at a farmers market.

Today I got to break the news to a group of friends that there is a relatively contemporaneous (1861) erotic account of Aaron Burr fucking his way through life. Aaron Burr, sir, indeed.

This is an opportunity for me to reshare one of my favorite jokes from the Kids Write Jokes workshop & their old Twitter account: Why did the crab go to prison? Crimes.

The Operation Mincemeat cast would do Das Ubermensch at the Tonys if they weren't cowards.

Just noticed that Joel isn't with Ellie at the end of the credits anymore. 😭 #thelastofus

I had some pretty major dental surgery yesterday and now it's just me and my mashed potatoes against the world while I disassociate on tramadol.

My life took a turn for the better when I started reframing "a hill I'm willing to die on" to "a hill I'm willing to kill on."

I have no desire nor need to remove money from my brokerage account. But I am enjoying checking it everyday just to watch it bounce wildly.