Padres, that's NOT what's in

This is not a paid advertisement. Subscribe at membership.theonion.com to receive the newspaper and see more print-exclusive content.

In all the chaos, I would urge folks to remember that a lot of folks now don’t know when their next check will come. The vast majority are good people who love this nation deeply, and many of them are still working despite not knowing when they’ll be paid Have compassion.

ESPN's field audio on these MLB games is fucking atrocious

NEW: Sen. Tammy Duckworth is calling for Pete Hegseth to resign. "If this PR stunt proved anything, it's that the best thing Pete Hegseth can do to strengthen our military is resign in disgrace immediately."

LOL Mets

The Eagles look great and all, but why can't AJ Brown get one god damn target? It's every week.

Nothing I want to see more in sports right now than the Mets not making the postseason

Wawa coffee tastes like pure gasoline. How the fuck do people drink this watered down shit everyday? Support local coffee shops.

Phillies hitters must have taken a lot of Tylenol

See what happens when you let Jalen Hurts control the offense?

How does the Eagles offense go from what they did in the Super Bowl to...whatever the hell this is?

Go Birds. FUCK ICE. Trump's private paramilitary police are former Proud Boys and Nazi pieces of shit. They are NOT trained police. The master plan is to unleash ICE on the country before/during/after the mid terms and presidential elections. ***They do not plan to leave office.***

Those powerful Hollywood liberal actors can shut it all the fuck down, if they really want to take a stand against what's happening. They can cost a lot of powerful people a lot of fucking money. Let's see Clooney, DiCaprio, DeNiro et all put their money where their mouth is.

Becoming increasingly clear we’re gonna have to build a parallel infrastructure for all the media we really love. The reason all of this is happening under the color of law is hyperconsolidation, dissent being traded straight up for merger approval, or fear of harassment.

This Phillies-Dodgers series is drunk

Oh.

Phillies kicking the Mets' dicks in this series is so god damn satisfying.

We are so far beyond the "Oh, can't we all just get along?" stage in this country . The sooner everyone acknowledges that, the better the chance of figuring out a way forward.

Twitter has basically devolved into thousands of massive far-right accounts doing exactly one thing, which is exploiting every single event to try to create lynch mobs

These fucking idiots took emails of Hillary Clinton ordering pizza and turned them into a child trafficking scheme, but they’re perfectly fine with Donald Trump being best friends with the most notorious sex trafficker of our time.

Jalen Carter. Unreal. What a selfish idiotic thing to do.

Did NBC really just run a Join ICE commercial??!! Jesus fucking Christ

Twitter is owned by a neo-Nazi, the LA Times, Washington Post, and Wall Street Journal are owned by pro-Trump billionaires, and CBS News will soon be run by a far-right Likud extremist. American media still has a liberal bias problem.

Great fucking job, Phillies. Maybe Bryce Harper can buy some more Mets colors on his way home and wear them next week. Because that was a genius move.

Tanner Banks low key has been the Phillies best reliever over the entire season

This version of the Phillies must show up in October. Bottle it up.

Jordan Romano has no business being in Major League Baseball

Twitter is a right-wing batshit cesspool I never could imagine in my wildest nightmares. I mean, it was when I left it for good in December. But now? Holy shit.

Somebody please tell the MAGA behind home plate @ Phillies-Nationals that he supports a pedophile. #Phillies

Phillies have to have a serious discussion about Nick Castellanos. For starters, he has to stop playing every god damn day

Nick Castellanos is unplayable.

bragging about being a giant pussy is integral to the conservative mindset

So the same guy who insists he couldn’t activate the National Guard in D.C. on January 6, 2021 suddenly has the power to activate it today?

RFK Jr. saw 20 million lives saved by mRNA vaccines and thought, 'let's try the opposite!'

Play Brandon Marsh everyday. Reward a guy who has clearly worked hard to improve.

Phillies outfield could be decent with Bader in left, Marsh in center and a Castellanos/Kepler platoon in right, but the manager will never offend his negative-WAR everyday right fielder.

Death, taxes and the Phillies making Merrill Kelly look like Greg Maddux

Trump Still Polling Well With Working-Class American Pedophiles theonion.com/trump-s...

When public media disappears, so do the stories that bring us together. With federal funding eliminated, millions may lose their last trusted source of news and connection. If that matters to you, now’s the time to act. Donate: n.pr/458sOhq

The 29-80 Colorado Rockies scored 4 runs in one inning against Paul Skenes. Baseball is so dumb sometimes.

Give Kyle Schwarber all of the money

Hulk Hogan ratted out other wrestlers attempting to unionize to save his own position and paycheck above anyone else's & gladly accepted funding from Peter Thiel for his Gawker court case that paved frequently abused legal precedents for the rich to shut down any media outlets that embarrass them.

Imagine not picking Cristopher Sanchez to the All-Star Game.

That's baseball, baby #Phillies

Maybe the Phillies should trade for one of the Angels' outfielders who apparently do nothing but hit homers.

Phillies lose a game in which Bryce Harper and Kyle Schwarber combine for three home runs and the other team pitches a bullpen game. That shit cannot happen.