This two week trial of 2026 has fucking sucked.

Comedy tonight, mofos.

As a quick heads-up: if you see anyone on social media (or in real life) celebrating what happened in Minneapolis, they are a bad person.

Five years ago, my wife told me, “Whatever is happening in Washington D.C. is no excuse for all the cheese you are eating right now.”

I get that the third major character in Dumbo is “racism” and that is probably why it is not on the children’s section of Disney+.

Ok, gonna try and post more here. Here we go, get ready… Snapchat… but for farts?

Merry Christmas, everyone. Don’t have family? I am your new father. And I love you and am super proud of you.

In this episode of @ohmalortpod.bsky.social, @ihatemattdrufke.bsky.social and I talk about the history of Sixteen Inch Softball. Listen on the app of your choice. pod.link/1684738593/e...

Get ready for big prank phone calls! This week, @ihatemattdrufke.bsky.social think he's going to be executive producer on a movie, but boy-oh-boy, he's SO WRONG! Apple:

@sheaserrano.bsky.social Excited you are on Bluesky! I now have a reason to look at it again! Also, bring back Six Trophies?

When you are hopelessly crying and screaming into the void, try and do it to the Seinfeld theme

I will only post here to wish a happy birthday to @aneerbas.bsky.social, one of the best people to ever people. She is so amazing!

I like that the Cubs are good

The only meme saved in my phone

Jim Croce Eat World

On this Father’s Day, so grateful for my sons and my wife, who will always remind me that she thinks of me as a total DILF: Dad I’d Like to Fucking load the dishwasher right one goddamned time

I’m celebrating Father’s Day the way I always do. Screaming obscenities and throwing rocks at the condom factory.

United Healthcare and Blue Cross Blue Shield are about to list “Civil War” as a pre-existing condition not covered by insurance.

It is crazy how basketball is getting me to respect the state of Indiana more

My favorite part of the Musk/Trump feud is that pretty much everyone is still calling them “tweets”.

The new Peppa Pig movie has a song called “Memories” and it is better than anything Diane Warren has ever written.

The hardest thing about parenting is the voice in your said that says you are failing your child and that they will not be successful when they become an adult and that it’s your fault. The second hardest thing is remembering the names of all the dinosaurs.

Imagine a person told you they could make your car have better gas mileage. They then took wrenches to the engine and quit with everything in pieces. They thanked you for the chance to work on a car and admit they knew nothing about automotive repair. In other news, Elon Musk is out at DOGE…

My favorite birthday greeting is the Facebook message I get from a comedian I never met asking to share his social media pages.

Y’all it’s @ihatemattdrufke.bsky.social’s birthday today. Please make him feel as loved and pretty as he deserves.

Too broke for therapy. Too poor to roller disco my cares away.

Not to objectify any of you, but I have the hottest followers on this app.

The force and the farts are strong ❤️

My therapist told me that all the praise I give people is just me masking my own insecurities and I literally said, “You are so smart and astute for figuring that out and the way you worded that observation was concise and amazing”

May the 2nd be with you.

Back at the best show in Chicago Wednesday. Use the code MATT430 for $10 tickets.

I just want to see Orlando take the lead once this series.

This Trump economy is so bad, the two girls with that one cup video had to add three more girls just to afford it.

I was definitely fooled

“Forgive me, Dashboard, for I have sinned” -Dashboard Confessional

My oldest turns 21 tomorrow. I am not handling it well.

Three quarters in, and I want this Clippers/Nuggets series to go 95 games

I’m in South Beloit tonight!

Zach Edey looks like a guy a mastermind pays to capture a James Bond.

So bummed the Magic aren’t at full strength because this first half is how they win. Play defense like they’re gonna get in a street fight. They don’t score a lot but they don’t need to:

Happy NBA Play-Ins to all who celebrate.

On this Autism Awareness And Acceptance Month, a quick reminder that if you support getting rid of the Department Of Education; then I hope every time you go to open a piece of string cheese, the little pull tab breaks and you are just stuck there.

Skibidi toilet Also, skibidi bidet

I am somewhat of a comedy historian and I can confidently say that, in the history of standup comedy, there was never a showcase where the two producers were not just comics, but also friends. That is about to change. Stay tuned.

The Nasdaq was too woke

Just finished a workplace harassment training and I am gonna be so much better at triggering these stupid uggos.