Lindsay Graham’s memorial service is scheduled for next week. His spine will be interred separately should they be able to find it.

I had a 20-minute call with Lindsay Graham this morning about foreign policy and he’s doing great.

70s glam-rock star Gary Glitter has been charged with unlawful sexual intercourse with a girl under 13 and three counts of indecent assault on a girl under 14. In response, Netflix has offered him a 90-minute special.

This week at the Supreme Court exposed the absolute lunacy of lifetime appointments. By which I mean Nina Totenberg.

At this rate I expect the fireworks to light the algae on fire.

Trump’s now claiming activist traitors have been planting algae in the reflecting pool. Next he’ll be accusing Antifa of shitting his pants.

At this point, Donald Trump’s Iran debacle has progressed from him shitting the bed to the worst version of Goldilocks.

Carlos Mencia has been busted for not paying his taxes, an old bit he stole from Redd Foxx.

New plan: yes, in 2029 we pack the court with four more justices, but I say every single one that’s nominated is a black woman. Then we start hearing about John Roberts having at least one massive and spontaneous nosebleed a day.

If Anderson Cooper’s reward for sneaking out the back door at 60 Minutes like a coward is that Paramount acquires Warner Bros and puts Bari Weiss in charge of CNN, well, I’m gonna laugh until I get a debilitating cramp.

Based on the number of times I’ve seen it on a shelf vs the number of times anyone has suggested we play it, which is zero, I’m going to hazard a guess that the game Parcheesi sucks.

I watched Mortal Kombat II on streaming tonight. Because I don’t like myself very much.

2085 SAT Test Prep Class: Proctor: Complete this series of named disasters. Hindenburg, Edsel, Jeb!…. Student: Bari. Proctor: Correct.

Anderson Cooper wants to know if he can call backsies on his “spending more time with my kids” story and go with the “bravely speaking truth to power” thing instead.

Based on what we know from The Bible, Jesus would heal the sick and the lame, and feed the poor, but he didn’t have a lot of time to listen to their bullshit.

“Only Trump can go to China.” — an adage used in the future to explain why you sent your dumbest employee to negotiate for the whole company.

Rapist and pedophile Michael Jackson’s biopic earned $97M on its opening weekend, suggesting that if only Donald Trump had better dance moves and some chart-topping hits, his approval ratings would be over 70 percent.

You might have thought the psychic they booked would have warned them about a gunman.

Clowns are mime prop comics. Ventriloquists are prop comics that you wish were mimes.

No, MAGA Catholics aren’t going to desert Trump over his recent posts. Hard-core Catholics have YEARS of practice making excuses for pedophiles.

Michael B. Jordan went to an In-N-Out Burger after the Oscars last night, and if he didn't order a Double-Double his publicist is fucking fired.

HIDE YOUR DOGS! She’s super-pissed now!!!

Hasn’t anyone thought how this will affect poor Corey Lewandowski?

It’s true that “Melania” has a worse Metacritic score than “Cats” but it’s also true I’d watch either film immediately if they released a butthole cut.

I hope Stephen Miller gets fired soon so he can persue his destiny, assuming the role of Riff Raff in a remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

In the future, assuming we still have history books, they will tell that the turning point in this current nightmare was when ICE finally murdered a straight white man, and some Republicans and even Centrist Democrats said, “This has gone too far.”

I’m going to see The Bone Temple this weekend because I support any movie where the porn parody title and the original title are the same. Other movies on that list: In Her Shoes The Nun The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Predators

Where are these ICE clowns getting their uniforms? Seriously, in any large group they don’t even match. Garage sales at militia compounds? Left-over Spirit of Halloween stores? Do Bass Pro Shops have an authoritarian cosplay section?

I’m writing a remake of Fight Club where everyone obeys the goddamned rules and doesn’t talk about it, so the membership doesn’t grow. Then it’s just a movie about a group of incels beating each other to death in a basement. So it’s a feel-good comedy is what I’m saying.

Empty-nester End of Holidays Haiku: The children have left Long red hairs haunt our sink drains Holiday spirits

Still working on my screenplay for Muppet The Sun Also Rises. The third act needs work.

Because of a prior engagement, I’m going to have to DVR the final episode of Ken Burns’s The American Revolution. No spoilers, please.

2025 has been like an advent calendar where behind every door is loose stool.

Will Dick Durbin retire NOW if we promise to buy him a feral stray cat? It’ll hate him, scratch and bite him, and he’ll still end up feeding it five times a day because he’ll give in every time it meows. He’ll be in Heaven!

Family Movie Night: WarGames, the terrible tragedy of a nerd who successfully *prevents* a nuclear war and loses his one shot at sex with a super-hot girl from his high school.

Do you think if we keep mentioning Tron: Ares on social media, they’ll release Morbius in theaters again?

An early draft of "The Miracle Worker" showcased Annie Sullivan's initial failed attempts to communicate with Helen through a series of painstakingly crafted farts.

Trump’s health is like his golf score: more strokes than he’d care to admit.

The only way I could be happier about the imminent bursting of the AI bubble would be if it took crypto with it.

On Sunday, President Trump cancelled an on-camera interview with Jake Tapper and instead conducted the interview over text. Drawing on his keen journalistic skills, in response Tapper has written a new essay complaining that Joe Biden is old.

Now Trump is going after Fallon and then presumably SNL, and if this means that Lorne Michaels gets to watch his comedy empire get crushed out of existence just before he dies of a broken heart, all despite his attempts to normalize fascism, then maybe all of this will have been worth it after all.

Apparently if you’re a billionaire already and stand to make billions more after a merger, “fuck you money” means something very different.

Based on this week, it appears that the greatest indicator of white supremacist sympathies is run-on sentences without punctuation.

If you’ve been scolding me for my lack of empathy this week, you’re going to be SUPER disappointed in me if they ever assassinate Trump.

I’m really looking forward to all the upcoming Ben Shapiro podcasts recorded live from his panic room.

Apparently, “I feel bad for his family” is the liberal version of “thoughts and prayers.”

Charlie Kirk’s shooter’s is apparently still at large, and since the description is “youngish-looking white male,” that only narrows the pool down to half the population of Utah.

A father at a Phillies game is being mocked for reluctantly taking back the home run ball he snagged for his son, and handing it over to an unhinged old woman because she yelled at him and told him it was hers. But on the plus side, Chuck Schumer has reportedly recruited him to run for the Senate.

This has been a week where everyone who grew up in the Chicago suburbs is learning which of their former classmates were taught to be scared of black people.