Clowns are mime prop comics. Ventriloquists are prop comics that you wish were mimes.

No, MAGA Catholics aren’t going to desert Trump over his recent posts. Hard-core Catholics have YEARS of practice making excuses for pedophiles.

Michael B. Jordan went to an In-N-Out Burger after the Oscars last night, and if he didn't order a Double-Double his publicist is fucking fired.

HIDE YOUR DOGS! She’s super-pissed now!!!

Hasn’t anyone thought how this will affect poor Corey Lewandowski?

It’s true that “Melania” has a worse Metacritic score than “Cats” but it’s also true I’d watch either film immediately if they released a butthole cut.

I hope Stephen Miller gets fired soon so he can persue his destiny, assuming the role of Riff Raff in a remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

In the future, assuming we still have history books, they will tell that the turning point in this current nightmare was when ICE finally murdered a straight white man, and some Republicans and even Centrist Democrats said, “This has gone too far.”

I’m going to see The Bone Temple this weekend because I support any movie where the porn parody title and the original title are the same. Other movies on that list: In Her Shoes The Nun The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Predators

Where are these ICE clowns getting their uniforms? Seriously, in any large group they don’t even match. Garage sales at militia compounds? Left-over Spirit of Halloween stores? Do Bass Pro Shops have an authoritarian cosplay section?

I’m writing a remake of Fight Club where everyone obeys the goddamned rules and doesn’t talk about it, so the membership doesn’t grow. Then it’s just a movie about a group of incels beating each other to death in a basement. So it’s a feel-good comedy is what I’m saying.

Empty-nester End of Holidays Haiku: The children have left Long red hairs haunt our sink drains Holiday spirits

Still working on my screenplay for Muppet The Sun Also Rises. The third act needs work.

Because of a prior engagement, I’m going to have to DVR the final episode of Ken Burns’s The American Revolution. No spoilers, please.

2025 has been like an advent calendar where behind every door is loose stool.

Will Dick Durbin retire NOW if we promise to buy him a feral stray cat? It’ll hate him, scratch and bite him, and he’ll still end up feeding it five times a day because he’ll give in every time it meows. He’ll be in Heaven!

Family Movie Night: WarGames, the terrible tragedy of a nerd who successfully *prevents* a nuclear war and loses his one shot at sex with a super-hot girl from his high school.

Do you think if we keep mentioning Tron: Ares on social media, they’ll release Morbius in theaters again?

An early draft of "The Miracle Worker" showcased Annie Sullivan's initial failed attempts to communicate with Helen through a series of painstakingly crafted farts.

Trump’s health is like his golf score: more strokes than he’d care to admit.

The only way I could be happier about the imminent bursting of the AI bubble would be if it took crypto with it.

On Sunday, President Trump cancelled an on-camera interview with Jake Tapper and instead conducted the interview over text. Drawing on his keen journalistic skills, in response Tapper has written a new essay complaining that Joe Biden is old.

Now Trump is going after Fallon and then presumably SNL, and if this means that Lorne Michaels gets to watch his comedy empire get crushed out of existence just before he dies of a broken heart, all despite his attempts to normalize fascism, then maybe all of this will have been worth it after all.

Apparently if you’re a billionaire already and stand to make billions more after a merger, “fuck you money” means something very different.

Based on this week, it appears that the greatest indicator of white supremacist sympathies is run-on sentences without punctuation.

If you’ve been scolding me for my lack of empathy this week, you’re going to be SUPER disappointed in me if they ever assassinate Trump.

I’m really looking forward to all the upcoming Ben Shapiro podcasts recorded live from his panic room.

Apparently, “I feel bad for his family” is the liberal version of “thoughts and prayers.”

Charlie Kirk’s shooter’s is apparently still at large, and since the description is “youngish-looking white male,” that only narrows the pool down to half the population of Utah.

A father at a Phillies game is being mocked for reluctantly taking back the home run ball he snagged for his son, and handing it over to an unhinged old woman because she yelled at him and told him it was hers. But on the plus side, Chuck Schumer has reportedly recruited him to run for the Senate.

This has been a week where everyone who grew up in the Chicago suburbs is learning which of their former classmates were taught to be scared of black people.

I would like to urge my fellow Chicagoans not to throw Subway sandwiches at the National Guard troops or ICE agents when they arrive. Throw an Italian Beef, dipped, with hot peppers. Show some civic pride fer chrissakes.

A sequel to Freakier Friday called Freakiest Friday where mother and daughter are part of a polyamorous throuple. Tagline: “Who’s in whose body? EVERYONE.”

Medieval Times in Schaumburg IL shut down temporarily because a water main break contaminated their water, which is why Medieval Times is bullshit. If there were a decent chance of contracting cholera while a failed improv actor served me food, I would go.

Everyone wants to talk about how Kristi Noem shot the family dog after throwing it in a gravel pit, but let’s not be too hasty: she shot the family goat, too. #RememberTheGoat #HeresLookingAtYouKid

One of the saddest things over the past six months is watching how many people can rationalize their cowardice into brave and noble self-sacrifice.

The next attempt at distraction from the White House will probably be the release of the pee tape. Because at least those prostitutes were legal adults.

Wolf Blitzer, cheerfully whistling “Back in the Saddle Again” as he pulls his lucky “war tie” out of the back of the closet.

Tonight, please spare a thought for the stalwart composers at CNN, who will be toiling late into the night writing the theme song for this new war.

I’m celebrating Father’s Day the way I always do. Screaming obscenities and throwing rocks at the condom factory.

I missed the tribute to Patti Lupone. How was it? #tonys

One day, I want to be to comedy what Daniel Day-Lewis is to acting. An absolutely miserable, insufferable prick to work with or even be around.

Stephen Miller is so awful his hair follicles took the easy way out and killed themselves rather than spend any more time with him.

The President wore a blue suit to the Pope’s funeral because he heard black was slimming, and then no one would recognize him.

A remake of Red Dawn where an army parachutes into Colorado, imposes martial law, and rounds adult men into reducation camps, only it’s the US Army in this one. There’s a group of high-school jocks who arm themselves and take to the hills, but um, they’re not exactly insurgents.

Family Movie Night: My wife and I love sci-fi fantasy, so we watched The Untouchables, a movie where a rich and powerful criminal is convicted of felonies and is actually sentenced and goes to jail.

In 1938, UK Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain appeased Adolph Hitler by allowing him to unlawfully annex the Sudetenland region of Czechoslovakia. Chuck Schumer would have thrown in France.

Watching the new Errol Morris documentary on the Manson Family. It's mostly a survey of now-unaffordable real estate.

Here’s how bad it is now: this week the newly-elected right-leaning leader of Germany announced he was planning to re-arm GERMANY to protect Europe from us, and my immediate thought was, “Oh, thank goodness!”