When you have a club, you have to put a lot of effort into recruiting, because otherwise, pretty soon you won't have a club. Here we are, worried about fertility, and also throwing people out of our club, and making it clear that new members are not welcome. We are such dipshits.

Meet Patricia. We must ALL channel our inner Patricia, no matter our own age. (If ANYONE can put me in touch with her, I'd love to interview her for #DoSomething) www.borowitzreport.com/p/the-hero-w...

Using AI to reduce staff ensures that no one will have the money to buy your products. Henry Ford understood that he had to pay a decent wage so that people would have money to buy his cars. Why are the AI guys slamming their dicks in the car door like this?

While you are repeating inspiring phrases to yourself, remember: That which you do not kill, you make stronger.

Today I was at an art gallery near a university, preparing for an event, when there was a mass shooting at the university, so we all went home instead. What country do I live in?

Fuzzy warm life where I have to pee, vs oversharp cold life where I can actually pee.

Trump is a lying, conning crook; it's as simple as that.

I feel like stealing oil tankers is actually an improvement over murdering fishermen, but also the trajectory isn't great.

The fridge was full, so we put the thanksgiving leftovers outside in the car, where it is colder than inside the freezer.

Late Thanksgiving. Deconstructed and reconstructed the turkey. Should maybe have reviewed turkey anatomy before reconstruction.

Who believes that Pete is having the DoD manual rewritten to eliminate the shipwrecked sailors example at this very minute?

In the giant snowstorm on Carahras, hobbits, known to have big feet, had to struggle through the snow. Legolas meanwhile, floated on top of the snow. He must have had enormous feet. All the elves in LOTR must have had size 24 (US mens size) feet. This changes everything.

I have been happy to live in a country which provides refuge to people such as the Somalis. It is a great feeling to be part of a great haven of relative safety for beleaguered victims who make it to our shores. Truly we are blessed.

I Think Her Party Should Be Making Statements In Her Defense And The Greater Somali Community

Ilhan Omar is the kind of immigrant America needs.

If it was me, I'd lighten up the oval office with some flamingos. And maybe some live chickens and ducks.

The USA is not subject to the ICC, AKA "The Hague", because we have not ratified the Rome Statute, because it's super obvious that we are constantly committing war crimes. It would be lovely if we could commit to not committing war crimes someday.

Have calmly captained a sailboat in severe circumstances. Have calmly lead large teams on challenging multi-year projects. Have developed an inability to go to a very nice grocery store without advance preparation.

I named my fists Cheech and Chong because Dave's not here, man.

AOC becomes house minority leader. AOC becomes house majority leader. Trump is impeached and convicted, while simultaneously Vance is impeached and convicted. AOC is president. Large numbers of people are convicted. DING DING DING DING! Fucking alarm.

We, USians, do something terrible. Some of us say "This isn't who we are!". Someone rlse says "Obviously, this is who we are, we suck!" Duh. We just did it. When we say "This isn't who we are!", we are expressing an aspiration to redefine ourselves as people who don't do that. It's not literal./1

I had thought that after I retired, I'd be done with deadlines, yet here I am, struggling to finish breakfast before lunchtime. The struggle is real.

I've been married long enough to know that she isn't laughing with me.

Obviously traveling with Krazy glue is a good idea, but it turns out that the low pressure in an airplane can cause it to escape containment inside your luggage. Which is an eventuality that some people hadn't thought through completely.

If your door knocker is 15 feet off the ground, what do you do if someone uses it?

Traveling Friday: apologize to a Danish guy for threatening to invade. Saturday: apologize to a Canadian couple for threatening to invade. Hope I don't run into any Venezuelans or Columbians.

After today's news, is Monica frantically gargling mouthwash?

Drink? Museo Larco, Lima

Pre-Columbian Peruvian male with either a corn beer or an iPhone.

Peru and Montenegro are at the pinnacle of lemonade. These are Peruvian corn kernels, dried, rehydrated, boiled, and dried. "Mote".

I assume this is our senior leader placement problem solved. www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/int...

Apropos of nothing, women make the workplace better.

My use of profanity is boring, repetitive, and unimaginative. I apologize. I will attempt to use a larger vocabulary in the future.

Was wondering why memory palaces don't work for me. I had no idea that 96+%of you-all could <actually> see stuff in your heads. Weird. news.exeter.ac.uk/faculty-of-h...

I had my pajama shirt on backwards all night and nobody told me.

Omg

Is Mike Johnson too busy watching porn with his son to keep up with the news?

Is the porn monitoring software Mike Johnson shares with his son, so they can watch the same porn at the same time, together?

This headline is incorrect. Trump's MRI did not spark concern. Trump's MRI kindled hope.

This is someone who has never seen a dentata in action.

The fact that Trump went Independence Day on the White House means that soon, a down on his luck, heroic, highly caffeinated alcoholic veteran will fly a fighter plane up Trump's ass. I don't make the rules.

You know how someone who wants you to go somewhere, comes to "talk about when we are leaving", when they mean "we are leaving now"?

Reposting so that more people are alerted that calling it the Epstein Ballroom would be disrespectful.

This kidnapper, rapist, murderer looks really horrible. Someone should start a pool on when Trump will pardon him so he can join ICE. www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025...

Of all the things that didn't happen, the past didn't happen the most.

Mice have ears! Mouse Man knows!

If Amazon had hosted Amazon.com on Azure, they'd be up and running.

Irresponsible for Amazon to host their site on flaky AWS servers.