opened the societal loot box and discovered one of the premium Great Filters ✨

I now interact with ai assistants from my landlord and my dentist and both times all they have done is tell me incorrectly that I owe money and both times I’ve been told to ignore the robot texting and calling me. Fuck this future.

(clenching my jaw so hard that all of my molars shatter): welcome to the resistance, Billy Long

in 2013 when my wife was dating the homosexual who would become her first husband I bought her a used copy of Infinite Jest for her birthday for $13.97. she read several hundred pages and none of the endnotes before losing it, so she requested a used replacement.

the biggest thing I didn't know when I adopted a bearded dragon was how much I would need to learn about the care and feeding of her food.

With Tom Lehrer's passing, I suppose this is a moment to share the story of the prank he played on the National Security Agency, and how it went undiscovered for nearly 60 years.

i am genuinely depressed i will never love a man as deeply and profoundly as trump and epstein loved each other

I setup my godson with SuperHOT VR and lost my shit when I saw he was standing on the edge of the couch and swinging. After playing the level I realized the problem: he was too short to see over an obstacle! This is what he was seeing. I think you need to be 5'+ to play the game as intended.

I left my godson watching a Minecraft streamer then came back and he was watching an ad. Me: HEY! What are you doing watching ads? Him: It's not an ad! He was watching this shit! I briefly explained affiliate marketing and put on BattleBots.

Picturing some old beaten-up poster who is sighing at the "Past Due" envelopes on his counter despite nobody paying bills by mail in 20+ years. An Eritrean army officer looks around meaningfully at the threadbare furniture

Medals for the ebola and COVID-19 campaigns.

I went searching for a copy of a game from 1991 and found a pirated copy that included the original NFO file with BBS phone numbers.

it only took two drinks for my wife to ask Claude what food he would choose to eat if he could only try one. he has no mouth but he wants to eat.

the Google Play Store sent me a push notification for this incredible offer: $4 in store credit if I spend $49.99! I realize the Play Store probably makes almost all of its revenue from whales playing pay2win games, but it's unseemly to publicly harpoon them like this.

Meta AI can animate any image it generates lmaooo

Messages to Meta's AI app default to public and there is a feed, so you can read the conversations of your friends and also strangers, like an insane version of the Venmo social feed. For example, this man requested a "mobile meat company newsletter".

My goddaughter is obsessed with a YouTube channel with 24 million subscribers called MyStoryAnimated. It's a fascinating artifact of Right Now: a TV show designed for preteen girls to watch while looking at their phone. This ep got 12m views in the past two weeks. www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsE1...

I bought crickets for my bearded dragon but she's too slow and stupid to successfully hunt them so they're just chilling in there and driving me insane with their cricket noises.

Ol Swampy has claimed lambchop for herself.

my whole squad is coming for whoever left poop on our lawn

I didn’t know when this dude flipped out on me a couple of weeks ago he’s some sort of former gaming commentator? Dude looks like Wes Anderson made a movie about a child molester

my wife wasn't happy with our courthouse wedding, so we're getting married again tomorrow. I'm getting concerned about how many times she wants to get married.

Oh btw, if you have 30-60 minutes to kill this weekend, why not check out the demo of our cool new adventure game/dating sim? Or click the button to get notified when the kickstarter is ready 😏 www.kickstarter.com/projects/485...

Glenn Greenwald's recent opsec failure was not the first time! Take a trip down memory lane with @theophite.bsky.social

Cal silently endures the trauma of bath time

Grok is such a real one for literally not having sentience but still upholding the tradition of Musk children hating their staggeringly shitty dad.

an unfamiliar dog walked up to me when I was mowing the backyard. she was chill but didn't have a collar so I asked the neighbors throwing a party if they were missing a dog and that's how they found out Penny was loose.

first thing I saw when I opened Twitter were three posts from Musk and two of them were broken.

this is a great thread from Nick but something he doesn’t mention is that Sega franchises have been hit even worse than Nintendo; google e.g. “Sonic inflation” to learn more

I cannot discuss Gaza with leftists without going insane because virtually all of them believe the Israeli military depends on US support, thus all we need to do is stop sending them equipment vouchers to stop the genocide. I have not seen ANY discussion of what we should do when that doesn't work.

[SACRAMENTO COUNTY GRAPHIC DESIGN MEETING] "What should the cover photo be?" "Get The Rizzler." "We can't afford The Rizzler." "Can we afford Asian Rizzler?"

I haven't asked too many questions about the religious monument I'm building. It's some sort of "labyrinth" and once I've filled it in with DG they will walk the paths between the bricks. This is maybe 15% of the entire structure.

one of my wife's friends gave her a Tarot deck and the Tower card is 9/11

we're eventually going to have to put warning labels on AI models like WARNING: THIS MODEL BELIEVES CLIMATE CHANGE IS A NEAR-TERM X-RISK THAT SHOULD BE SOLVED VIA OMNICIDE. DO NOT GIVE IT ACCESS TO A PEPTIDE SYNTHESIZER.

one of the reasons I know there are zero experienced people working with Trump is that they're making insane deals with El Salvador and Rwanda to accept deportees instead of just asking the distant country that owes us a blood debt and would probably accept anyone we sent them for free.

This pregnant grey squirrel lets me handfeed her

Outsiders deny the power of traditional Midwestern medicine but we know it works.

expecting to meet the pope and then getting a lecture about compassion from the vicepope when he blows you off seems like the last step before you get excommunicated

We invited our Chinese friends over for dinner tomorrow and asked if anyone had any allergies. They said their baby girl is allergic to MANGOS.

ever since we moved in I've been pulling discarded meat - chicken bones, meatballs, ham slices - out of our dog's mouth, all of it within 50 feet of a particular building. today I saw the likely responsible party leaving that building. here is a portrait generated by ChatGPT.

sweet tart wants to go outside so bad

Fiji's prime minister: "We cannot call it a trade war. We can just call it a trade blockade for Fiji. We cannot fight a war, a trade war particularly. We don’t have anything to counter with." Fiji has minimal tariffs and no idea why America's mad king is threatening to annihilate their economy.

another man Ghiblied my wife

first clutch of ducklings just hatched

currently thinking about how whoever can send Signal updates to the Apple App Store & Google Play Store now knows they could push an update targeting the vice president of the United States.

I just wondered why I've never seen pictures of tourists in the ruins of Tenochtitlan, Googled, and learned that it's because the Spaniards razed it, drained the lake, and built Mexico City atop the ruins. I didn't realize how thoroughly they had obliterated the city.

the American consumer is interested in absorbing zero pain. the Canadian consumer has already smeared themselves with the fat of a freshly killed bear and made an offering of blood for luck in the coming battle

Cal won't let my wife go upstairs until she pays the Pringles x Morningstar Chik'n Strips tax.

I told my mom -MAGA and retired Army air traffic controller - that her country needed her and she refused the call to adventure, smh.