Look at you pulling dumb opinions out of thin air. Good for you.

Atticus said 'my waist hurts' and he meant abdominal pain. If he ever goes to hospital I'll have to write a book of translations for them. From Atticus to English.

Tinnitus, you whistling mindfuck. Piss off.

Insomnia asparagus

They call them "data centers" because “mass-surveillance centers” would be harder to sell.

Portillo is mincing around in Korea now. I'd love to get paid to go on holiday. Perfectly willing to look a tit on telly too. I'm not wearing Tory trousers though.

Instead of posting a cosy pic of a man who killed his ex at her home in Bristol, maybe the press should focus on memorialising the life of Jo Shaw. Her friends and family have to deal with the consequences of one man’s selfish and violent actions. RIP Jo Shaw.

Home made chicken soup, then salmon and asparagus and then warm banana bread with vanilla ice-cream and caramel sauce for pudding. No. The diet is not going well.

Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

'infant sleep expert' no such thing. I've got four kids, they were all different with sleeping, potty training, feeding etc. Nobody can be an expert because every baby is different. It's mainly common sense anyway. Con artists.

The rat virus news is unsettling. Especially because the thing they think the rabbit has is dangerous in immunocompromised people, l am one of those people, it's zoonotic and can kill in severe cases. So obviously I'm cuddling the rabbit because I'm really, really stupid.

Complete nonsense. Just get a real dog. Nothing will ever love you as much as your dog does. Not even your mother.

I've made two banana loaves and a chicken soup from yesterday's carcass. Somebody should really wife me up, I'm top drawer wife material* *absofuckinglutely not. I can't think of anything worse

I'm rabbit sitting. He keeps doing crocodile death rolls because he has head tilt. He's eating pellets and hay again, rather than just the critical care stuff from a syringe. I really hope he gets better. She's doing literally everything she can for him. Pray for Arlo.

Is he pissed or just demented?

Women are attacked every single day. Where's Keir's special announcements? Where's his task force?

Just for the splittest of seconds, I thought this was announcing Britney Spears was now in charge of the letters and numbers on Countdown.

We made banana bread. "Nanny, can I lick the bowl?" "No, you flush it like everyone else"

On par with the Nazis. Disgusting. Where's the humanity?

Result. Atticus has a temperature, back to bed, hurrah! (I filled him up with paracetamol and ribena first)

Urgh. Monday morning. But at least it's actually Tuesday and a short week. Up and at 'em!

“Artificial intelligence will never defeat natural stupidity.”

So confusing....do I believe the Daily Mail who says they are sneaking over here because they are treated like kings or do I believe the Daily Mail who says they are sneaking out because they aren't treated like kings?

Me: finally, time for bed Brain: round one, fight

Fourth trimester? Fourth? Tri? Ok

He's eating and he can stand now, the head tilt is still bad. He's only had one day of meds though. Please pray for him. My daughter will be in bits if he dies.

Very original. How did they think of it?

I had a jolly nice bottle of white rioja for lunch and after my bath I'm going to have sardines on toast and a Horlicks. Gone are the days of a 6 hour piss up on a bank holiday Monday. I could still do it, but I don't want to. I am ancient and cursed now.

I've just put in a complaint to the BBC. I am Mrs Bucket.

Why are they standing like 14 year olds trying to look hard outside the youth club? Bad dangers, the lot of them.

Just booked to go and see Disney's Hercules at the theatre, taking my girls. It's going to be an expensive night but it looks brilliant. Theatre Royal too, I love that theatre.

Right wing numpty desperate for attention tries to be controversial by walking through London with a flag and is disappointed to find that nobody gives a shit.

Daughter has been up every three hours syringe feeding the rabbit and giving him meds and eye drops. I hope he doesn't die, she'll be devastated. But the vet said apart from this thing, he's the most healthy rabbit, especially for his age. She couldn't believe he was nearly eight.

Fucking eggs.

I'm going to be all good little housewife today. Going to make banana bread because we've got lots of overripe bananas and eggs that need using up.

Turning off that bastard alarm and going straight back to sleep this morning felt amazing. Ha! I bested you today, you noisy waking me up twat.

No. I can't sleep either. Horlicks? Lovely, while you're there I'll have one too. Sticky toffee pudding flavour, ta.

Baronet of the flies

The wild bunch. Loved it.

Excellent thread 🧵👏

Geoffrey Bungle George Zippy Freddy (sorry Rod and Jane, you didn't make the cut)

Just been force fed 200 bananas by Plumbert! The cunt’s insane! #plumbert

I made America lose its mind over some Spanish bacon. Went on for days. They were all 100% certain I was going to die from eating it. I did not die from eating it. When I pointed out that in Europe, we have a thing called food safety standards, they got really upset. It was hilarious.

I thought we did need ID now? But I'm usually wrong.

The vet said it could be e cuniculi. Which spreads through spores and can cause encephalitis and pneumonia amongst other things, in immunocompromised humans. Like me 😬 Spiffing. Dead from a rabbit's urine, completely on brand for me.

The daughter has to give the rabbit meds and eye drops every three hours.

Slightly diminish a book The girl with the lizard tattoo

Slightly diminish a book The grapes of miffed