Going to bed, because I don't want to know if I've won a BAFTA

My kind of night* out *tucked up at 7:30

Bollocks

Forest, Sunderland and Spurs to win. Put money on it.

A tsunami of jorts at the b and m garden centre

Devastating February Sunshine

Morning

I sat next to a large sculpture of an orangutan today and nobody made an amusing comment, which disappointed my attention seeking nature, but reassured my worrying, insecure side, and then left me in a tangle of feelings about why I can't even distinguish my Borneo's from my Sunatra's. Night.

Northern Short-legged Heron

Has to be done, doesn't it?

George Benson on at Charnock Richard 🎸

Men! What's stopping you from dressing like this?

No cheating your last saved picture of a celebrity is your therapist.

Signatures required, if you’ve a minute (and a conscience)… ‘The government is finally asking if they should ban cages for hens in the UK. 🐔🐔 Lobbyists are trying to block it, so we need huge numbers to show them that the public wants this ban NOW:’ you.38degrees.org.uk/petitions/en...

Very much enjoying the courtesy wipe feature.

Sitting in the car, trying all the buttons, like a right old dad.

Until you've experienced it personally, you have no idea how a day in the cells feels.

#fallfriday fell right into my lap

#FallFriday Check the record Check the guy's track record Check the record Check the guy's track record He is not appreciated youtu.be/KiDSoT5vy-I?...

Got the euromillions on. £113m Donate £110m to charity, still enough to see my entire cluster of friends and family right, without destroying their or my MH, or turning anyone into a right Brooklyn. That's my day.

Begone, wretched and creaking heap.

OFF WITH HIS COCK!

The worst thing about being arrested on your birthday is it rules out the possibility of getting a cake with a file in it for another 364 days.

Today will be a good day to bury any old shit.

Sweating now, eh?

Just given the car the best clean I've ever given it, because I'm handing it over today.

"I'm grateful to you, lady in waiting, and I admire your fulsome facial hair. I imagine it would provide me with adequate purchase during sexual intercourse."

I have 10 drafts and I can't remember initiating any of them.

Why doesn't someone just paint an arrow up the staircase at Kent County Council, signposted "all new super right wing party HQ", all the way to the roof and put a fake door at the top, leading to a catastrophic 90ft plummet?

Spent a tremendous afternoon, laid on my side with my arms stretched out underneath the shower, scraping away my last vestiges of epi and, indeed, dermis, left leg crooked around the toilet for purchase. Now paint me like one of your french girls.

"Hi, I'm Grok, you may remember me from such educational services as undressing childeren sitting on daddies lap and praising Hitler."

Mark E Smith lives!

🚬 Wednesday 🚬 music.youtube.com/watch?v=KRkH...

Right, I'm going back to sleep, during which time I'll have worked out exactly what I'm going to say to all the people I have to say things to tomorrow.

I've had a very strong coffee, and now I'm cutting my toenails at 2:04am.

Ooo remembers mooning??

I'm not having these "albums when you were 11". No way.

This is what happens when she doesn't hold him back.

Aubergine pizza for tea.

I miss the pubs

Top Tip: if a wheel breaks on your suitcase, and you're in a rush for the train, simply go to the shop and buy the next size up and put your old suitcase inside.

Please take the time to make your limericks and hilarious riffs scan, please.

SHROVE YOURSELF FITTER

Good afternoon from the sunshine capital of the United Kingdom

Was a good night, that, followed by a deep (one wee) sleep.

Here we are then, all the lads.

It's true