We need a president who’s been to the grocery store and who has pumped gas in their lives.

If you're at the airport and Kristi Noem is doing the ominous little message from the TSA screens, you no longer have to do anything she says. Leave your laptop in the case, whatever.

Kristi Noem gearing up for a “I Was Just Doing What I Was Told” media tour

Folks I don’t think Wrigley wants to go on a walk…

Therapy and healing your trauma is all good or whatever but don’t underestimate the healing power of bringing your shoulders up and down in a quick motion and repeating the mantra “Fuck Em” over and over until you feel better.

People who drink Buzzballs get in fights in public and wear fuzzy slippers to the store.

What a massive POS

bUt hEr eMaiLs!

Those DOGE guys did a really good job cutting government spending!

I put my loose AirPods in my pants pocket intending to take them to the case and I thought “I better take these to the case instead of leaving them in my pocket and then washing my pants.” Well friends, I’m sure you can all guess what just happened…

Omg yall im seeing posts about primaries in other states and I got scared that I missed Illinois’s but it’s not until the 17th. 😮‍💨

We’re at war in the Middle East and there’s cargo shorts with a 12” inseam and a built in belt on the shelf at Kohl’s, 2007 is so fucking back.

Wild how so many of us can just NOT get nazi tattoos and hang with antisemites. Doesn’t seem that difficult and yet???

I do not pick up abandoned furniture on the side of the road because they’re traps!!! The previous owners curse the furniture and leave it for unsuspecting victims to take and bring EVIL into their homes! !! Resist!

The new bare minimum going forward will be presidents that DON'T tweet like angry high school mean girls

At 6'5" and 316lbs, he should be in the dictionary next to Absolute Unit and Large Adult Son.

We did it, Patrick. We liberated Iran!

Don’t you dare besmirch taco pizza like this

Before you block me, know that I was "a pleasure to have in class" on multiple occasions

Popcorn with Tajin >>>>

Bro please grow a fucking spine

Read it again. We killed 85 schoolgirls this morning.

Big Beef is gonna be hella mad about this

My Tidal discovery playlist had “Fergilicious”, “Smack My Bitch Up” and “California Love”. Does it think these songs are discoveries to me? But also yes I would like to listen to “California Love” thank you for laughing. You don’t even need to ask, tbh.

Happy pay day to those who get to celebrate today!

As of tonight, licenses of trans people across Kansas are being invalidated en masse, enabling the overnight criminalization of an entire group of people for going about our lives. It’s often said you never know when you’re living through history, so let me assure you: that’s what’s happening now.

Been jamming to this song the last few days youtu.be/t99KH0TR-J4?...

JEE SUZ HERBERT CHRIST

“I never see you at the gym.” Oh? I never see you upon the loom.

I know it’s over with but the only way I’d care about the SOTU is if Trump tripped over his pants getting onto the podium and ripping his trousers in half.

Humidifier designers really be like “how can we make these things super difficult to clean for absolutely no reason?”

Traditionally, hitting yourself with a hammer was only done when one became very horny seeing a sexy cartoon lady

We have plastic surgery at home…

When a boomer posts the most unhinged political comments on the local FB group and you look at their profile and it’s full of AI slop and obviously fake “news”

Shout out to Cadbury crème eggs for using the same commercial for like 40 years.

God dammit I DO need 2.5 lbs of iced coffee

I’ve unfortunately seen the online incels losing their minds over Alyson Liu. 😩

Folks ; it’s spaghetti and meatballs night

Update: I’ve been permanently banned from the Arlington Heights IL location of Texas Roadhouse due to “unbecoming behavior of a TRH patron”.

Why are Nerds Gummy Clusters so elite??

Bro please we just want healthcare here 🥲

Ok I missed Trump’s hallucination of sending a hospital boat to Greenland????

Hot gas station food

These $5 Texas Roadhouse margs are hitting

The poors can drink Soylent and eat that insect fruit leather stuff from Snowpiercer

"thin places" are locations where the veil between the physical and spiritual worlds is said to be particularly thin.

The MAHA moms are melting down over the news about glyphosate. Saw a caption that was like “Trump is spitting in MAHA’s face!!” You’re shocked???

My SIL, her husband and their teen daughter ate Chipotle recently and got awful food poisoning. Like sick for several days.

I’m being aggressively advertised brands that make unlicensed MLB shirts but none of their Cubs shirt are cute enough to buy.

Principal Skinner with a MAGA hat: Is my party full of pedo traffickers? No. It’s the drag queens!