My exact sentiments

I just hope they both lose

Hey so the great part about being on steroids for the next week is that I won't feel like I need to nap midday when I should be working. BUT WHAT DO I DO RIGHT NOW?

You can’t erase what was witnessed. Everyone saw it with their own eyes and ears.

very ready for the Nuremberg Trials to start

🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 Enzo Maresca 🕯 🕯 to Sporting KC 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯

Cousin: "Oh, are you talking about S&T? I heard Collin talk about it." Me: "Yeah, I went there. What did you friend say?" Cousin: "That there's a lot of drinking and dropping out." Couldn't have summed it up better myself, folks.

"I was in jail, mother"

"I'm just gonna say 'WOW!'" "Congratulations is the proper response." "Is it?"

"You're weak, Carrie."

The best way to spread World Cup cheer is singing loud for all to hear…⏳

Tonight I completed my first ever non-incline push up in my life. And then I followed it it with a second one! 💪🏻

"YOU'LL NEVER GET A BOYFRIEND AGAIN IF YOU WEAR THAT!"

Btw, I finally got it 😅

Buying ear plugs to wear at storytime was perhaps the smartest thing I've ever done

Mood.

Caring is an act of resistance in a system that thrives on indifference.

It's been a few months since anyone asked me questions about something relating to work I did 3.5 years ago so I shouldn't be surprised that it happened today. Btw, how am I still the second most knowledgeable person about the application at this company? 😂

You know its fucked when the nurse practitioner thanks you for opting into a flu shot for your child.

Can’t be bothered to search it. Has anyone else done FIFA giving Prince Andrew the babysitter of the year award?

Do not message me for help 30 minutes before I log off for a 5.5 day weekend.

This is very important to my lore.

I'm no political scientist or lawyer but I am pretty sure that raping children - and trying to cover it up - is worse than Watergate.

Why do people not understand that you don't ask work questions at 4pm on a Friday?

Love wasting the time of people in health insurance that rejected my medication dosage increase twice. They've been on hold with the pharmacy to do an override for 50 minutes. Imagine if they had just approved it to begin with.

I drew 5 a picture of a squid the other night. They insisted on taking it to school so they could show their teacher 😂 whatever gets us out the door with the least amount of fight

8 years ago I got asked if I needed help checking in at Missouri Girls State. Today at the kindergarten Halloween party, I got asked if I was 5yo's sister. The kid was stunned when I said I was their mom. Good problem to have 😂

I made the worst parenting mistake and only bought one set of butterfly wings. Shame me like I deserve.

We are so close to everything we want if we can just stop tearing each other down

At my doctor's appointment, my PA diagnosed me with a sprained big toe and said "the next four weeks or so, just take it easy". So there goes hopes of a thanksgiving 10 miler. See, you should never put your hopes and dreams out into the void cause they'll just get crushed.

the one true oped www.news-leader.com/story/opinio...

This is a solid excerpt. If you want to read Vonnegut really slicing into the sins of America, check out Breakfast of Champions.

Who knew that having turf toe would force me to take care of myself.

I might finally get my other nostril cauterized and only because I have a running injury.

5: "Mom, are you thick or thin?" Me: "What do you think I am?" 5: "Uhh, I think you're thick." Me: "With one C or two Cs?" 5: "Two Cs" Matt: "No, mommy is 'swole'"

Haven't done this much actual work-work in months and I deserve a little treat called playing animal crossing

ALYSSA THOMPSON OPENS HER CHELSEA AND CHAMPIONS LEAGUE SCORING ACCOUNT!!!! 🏦🔵⚽

Our idea for a historically accurate alternative to the "Back the Blue" bumper stickers. -OS

I already knew I had a fucked up sense of distance cause I say "I only ran a 5k" during my short runs. But I truly knew I was fucked when I thought DURING my run last night 'on thanksgiving I should do the Garmin 15k challenge. But if I do that I should round up to 10 miles.'

5: "I don't want to go to sleep because I don't want to go to school because I miss you!" Me: "I know. That's a good reason. I'm pretty great." T: "You are great!" Me: laughing about them agreeing 5: "It's not funny!"

I wish I had the following I did in 2015 on tumblr cause I could has the question "which Halloween costume should I rewear this year? Sims Plumbob or Castiel?" and I'd get multiple responses and people wanting follow up to see what I did. Ah, the good old days.

5yo just melted down wanting a pacifier because Inklings from Splatoon have pacifiers. Just had to explain what a mouth guard is and guess who wants a mouth guard now

"Just a reminder that I'm going to the gym Friday so it will be a free for all night." "Okay" "Hm. I wonder if I had gone last week if I would've skipped taco bell and not gotten food poisoning. I guess the lesson is to never skip gym night."

I was gonna get my flu shot today but it appears that I have food poisoning. Curse you Taco Bell

I think conditions should improve instead of deteriorate

My hair is never going to look this defined again

Matt, mathing how much caffeine I've consumed today to get rid of my headache: "Google says that's above the amount and average woman should have a day!" Me: "I've always been above average."

Anyone else's parents giving them back their 7ft potato cannons after 11 years? Just me? Cool.

fuck you and your unwalkable city. i'll die crossing this damn road if i have to