Minions vs. Grogu Whoever wins... We lose

POV: You made it to the end of the Scientology speedrun. It's a white walled room with this guy sitting in a backwards chair. Without blinking he whispers, "Are you guilty of any major crimes in this lifetime?" Somehow, the door you entered through is missing.

Missed opportunity for Wemby to not choose jersey number 51

Rummaging my wet hands around in the sharps disposal searching for paper towels.

lmao damn you

Cleaning out my cold weather / rain gear bag from the car and I came across the crew shirt with the logo I designed while working on Ghostbusters Afterlife up in Calgary

Big night for in-arena announcers who still love to exclaim "THRrrrrrrreeeeeEEEE!" even when the home team is down by 50 in an elimination game with barely two quarters played.

Locked and loaded

What's this new shit where you can't dm someone a post without also adding a comment

Me: "Hey Matthew, great take. We're gonna go again, just dial it back like, 33% this time." Matthew McConaughey: "Alright, alright."

The Joker Rifle doesn't need serial numbers because anyone who buys it is immediately put on every law enforcement watch list.

Welcome to the Vatican, Your Holiness. Here’s your badge and gun. Here’s your phone preloaded with candy crush. But don’t play too much, we need you out there killing enemies.

Doesn't have the same ring to it.

My father, a self-described centrist (who has a maga flag on his fence), recently told me, "A little woke is fine, but now everyone's too woke. Both sides. Democrats and Republicans." And buddy, I have no idea what he's talking about either, but thankfully this handy guide from Luke doesn't miss.

The male loneliness epidemic? Brother, get yourself a fridge.

Hm the richest misanthropic lying sociopaths in the world are burning millions of dollars a day on an evil computer program that sucks. Maybe it's to help us?

dudes rock

It's gonna be a Hot Dog Summer. I can feel it.

OK, well I jumped the gun and spent my life savings on 4 shipping containers of iodine pills after watching this. Not sure what to do now.

Imagine taking dazzling and awe inspiring pics of the earth on your trip home from the moon and you suddenly have to watch a fucken nuke explode on Earth.

I'm working with a guy on a job that regularly flies us (on airplanes in the sky) who whole-chest thinks all this space stuff is fake. Every rocket and moon mission and whatnot. Thinks it's all shot on a sound stage at Sony or Uni. Brother, we work in the business. We would know someone on that job!

(to the tune of Eleanor Rigby) Jonathan Majors (also to the tune of Eleanor Rigby) Fell through a window

Gonna take a lot more than 1 dude to die for my sins

Gonna go with some deeper cuts i haven't seen posted in this thread yet

They should have waited until Easter to announce Jonathan the tortoise was still alive.

Cowards couldn't just charge a nice $69.00

Incredible innovation in studio LED lighting: the IP65 rating now includes huge loads.

Certainly this is way, way down the list but I'm starting to feel like I won't ever get to taste the legendary, buttery Iranian pistachios. Like, the good good ones the Resnicks fought to keep out of the USA so they could monopolize the mid ones.

Chin rest time.

Damn these Mexican cigs go hard

I love the dang movies.

How many has he been to since embracing AIDS denialism?

Chuck Norris was killed in the ring by Jake Paul. Died before he even hit the mat. At the presser, Paul remarked "Now I'm the guy you make those jokes about. 'God doesn't laugh, Jake Paul laughs,' that kinda' stuff." The event had over 6mil viewers on Netflix.

Salt: Gist of my verse is this man is perfect. He treats me like a proper woman, respects me, pleases me, knows my boundaries. Pepa: Yes, he always puts my needs first and makes me laugh. Plus he dresses like a runway model. Spinderella: He hasn't called me Susan yet so I'm gonna emphasize that.

Pharmacists spend years and a bunch of money on a fancy degree just to end up working in the back of a grocery store and selling drugs, which I did as a 15-year-old

The Salem marketing team in the 70's was just flying high and cashing checks. No bad ideas. Put 'em all on the board. MrBeast learned to smile from these ads.

What I'm gathering from the new DLSS 5 is that it will do a "Reverse Grease" and turn your end-of-Grease Sandy ("bad" but in a rockin', cool way) into a beginning-of-Grease Sandy ("good" in a boring, predictable way).

I knew that you can have a tie in the Oscars. It's actually a normal thing to know about.

A few pics from my recent trip to Cabo San Lucas

Getting strong B-tier Eyes Wide Shut vibes from this hotel lobby

I've had a duet with Leigh Nash and a guy doing bad pirate voice stuck in my head for three days now.

OK hear me out...

i couldn't resist defector.com/i-will-never...

Yes, I'm religious. I believe in the Holy Trinity.

Canceling my trip to the pyramids to instead walk through 15 feet of a tunnel that never gets finished.