FBI Agents Watch In Silence As Kash Patel Gets Ass Kicked By UFC Fighter https://theonion.com/fbi-agents-watch-in-silence-as-kash-patel-gets-ass-kicked-by-ufc-fighter/

Southwest Airlines Begins Assigning Chores https://theonion.com/southwest-airlines-begins-assigning-chores/

Trump Claims Iran Was Just Two Epstein Leaks Away from a Nuclear Weapon

Jon Iran-splains the ramifications of losing the Strait of Hormuz in a way even Trump can understand

Banksy Revealed as Decades-Long Exclusive Brand Partnership with Walmart Home Décor Line

Joe Rogan Reportedly Just One Elk Meat Protein Shake Away from Fully Formed Thought

Netanyahu and Putin Spend Pleasant Afternoon Moving U.S. Carrier Groups Around Map Like Risk Pieces

Lindsey Graham Advocates for Total Destruction of Iran Along With Any Gay Sex Videos Israel Might Have of Him

Quote of the day

Defense Department Says Strait of Hormuz Mines Are Clearly Marked by Floating Debris and Fire

“Which way is Iran?” “Woman! Tell me if Iran is to the left of here or if it’s south!” the commander-in-chief yelled at a morning commuter

Hegseth Bans Photographers from Pentagon After They Published Unflattering Pictures of His Vagina

JD Vance Struggling To Articulate What It Is He Doesn’t Love About Baby Name ‘Rohit’ https://theonion.com/jd-vance-struggling-to-articulate-what-it-is-he-doesnt-love-about-baby-name-rohit/

Chugging Energy Drinks, Hegseth Warns Iran It’s About to Learn Why America Doesn’t Skip Leg Day

Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar http://theonion.com/markets-in-turmoil-as-price-of-money-skyrockets-to-90-1819575197/

Sure, Trump wore a campaign hat to a dignified transfer, but remember when President Obama saluted while holding a latte?

As Gas Prices Surge, Trump Says Americans Should Look Into Electric Golf Carts Like the One He’s Driving

Administration Confident Plan to Install Trump as Iran’s President Will Collapse Nation Within Months

Kristi Noem Fired As DHS Secretary https://theonion.com/kristi-noem-fired-as-dhs-secretary/

Trump On Fence About Attending Ayatollah’s Funeral

Sources Say Lewandowski Already Setting His Sights on Markwayne Mullin

That’s what I’m talking about

Administration Debuts Spinning Wheel to Explain Why U.S. Is Bombing Iran Today

Trump Stumped by Worst-Case Iran Scenario & Hegseth Gives Bullying Pep Talk youtu.be/UVwqIxEg9So

How I intend to out-macho every army in the entire world, by Pete Hegseth buff.ly/vvYbJan

Officials Say Barron Trump Must Remain Stateside to Retrieve the Folder Labeled “Other People’s Kids”

Administration Says War in Iran Could End Quickly or Escalate Into Biden’s Fault

"My fellow Americans, despite what everyone else says, we are living in the golden age of America. Not your golden age, though. My golden age. As in: I am very old, and everything I own is either solid gold or gold-plated or painted in gold to make it seem like it’s real gold."

Experts Point To Long, Glorious History Of Successful U.S. Bombing Campaigns https://theonion.com/experts-point-to-long-glorious-history-of-successful-u-1819575498/

CNN Rebrands as “Conservative News Network,” Insists It’s Totally Unrelated to Right Wing Billionaire Takeover

Trump Vows to Ramble Incoherently On All Topics Unrelated to the State or the Union in Historic State of the Union Address

God-fearing conservative open to fearing everything else as well

SCOTUS Torches Trump's Tariffs, Iran War Looms & MAGA Co-opts Team USA Hockey Win youtu.be/fOdTHhQ1xY0

USA Hockey Players Report Gold Medal Slightly Heavier Due to the Kash Patel Dangling From It

Aide Wearily Begins 5th Explanation Of Why Trump Can’t Pardon Prince Andrew

Trump Dispatches Military Hospital Ship to Cure Greenland of Democracy

Tips For Observing Lent https://theonion.com/tips-for-observing-lent/

Couldn’t be more different

Trump Asks When He Gets To Kill Olympians Who Lost

Noem Orders $70 Million Luxury Jet for “Ummm… Deportations”

He's not taking it well you guys

Administration Desperately Seeking New Ways to Cripple U.S. Economy After SCOTUS Rules Against Tariffs

Trump: I can do anything I want to do to them, but I can't charge any money. So I'm allowed to destroy the country, but I can't charge them a little fee.

White House Unveils New Economic Plan: Read All Charts Upside Down #satire #humor #economy

Latest White House Distraction Backfires When Declassified Alien Visitors Start Asking About Epstein Files

In honor of America’s 250th birthday, Trump is celebrating by taxing every family $1,776. King George would be proud!

Users Report Grok Keeps Steering Conversations Toward “Maturity” and “Old Souls” and Asking if Parents Are ‘Home Right Now’

Grieving Prince Andrew Asks For 12-Year-Old During This Difficult Time