Trump Says Hand Issue Is Minor Injury Being Treated with Rotting Flesh Appliqué

Jack Smith Says Evidence Against Donald Trump So Extensive It May Need to Be Stored in a 90,000-Square-Foot Ballroom

Trump Changes Name of “Board of Peace” to “Bored of Peace”

Davos Attendees Shocked as Trump Keeps Referring to the U.S. Economy as “The Family Business”

World’s Billionaires Retreat to Heavily Guarded Alpine Fortress to Ask Why Everything Feels So Divided

Trump Orders Troops to Indiana for Not Acknowledging His College National Championship Win

Every NFL Team Ending Season With a Loss Immediately Fires Head Coach

White House Commends Trump’s Courage for Staying Awake Through Most of Peace Prize Exchange

Minnesota Labeled ‘Hostile Territory’ After Residents Demand Not to Be Executed by Masked Federal Agents

GOP Alarmed as Texas Voters Start Saying Things Like “Well… I’m Just Asking Questions”

White House Unsure If Giving Misogynistic Internet Trolls With Micropenises Assault Rifles and Limitless Power Was “Strategically Sound”

Sources Say Trump Considering Nicki Minaj as New Fed Chair Because She ‘Talks Tough’ and ‘Knows Money’

Trump Praises Anti-Authoritarian Protests Overseas, Reminds Americans That Protesting at Home is Punishable by Death

“I mean, yeah, groceries cost twice what they used to and ICE is murdering people on the streets,” said one voter, staring at his phone while scrolling through leaked renderings of the ballroom. “But look at this. That’s a lot of marble. Is it enough marble? I don’t know. And that worries me.”

Economy ‘On Solid Footing,’ Say People Who Do Not Grocery Shop

Soccer Moms Reclassified as Terrorist Organization by DHS

Trump Cites Time-Honored American Tradition of Stealing Land from Native People as Justification for Greenland Takeover

Americans Gather to Celebrate January 6th Holiday with Festive Window Smashing, Screaming at Paintings, and Annual Beating of Law Enforcement Officers with a Flag Pole

CDC Reduces Childhood Immunization Requirements from 17 Shots to 3 Shots of Tequila and a Lime Wedge

Tim Walz to Exit Politics Amid Controversy; Republicans Seek Out Candidate Controversial Enough to Take His Place

Insiders Say Trump Began Fixating on Maduro’s Presidency After Learning it Was Only 13 Years Old

City Hall Reports Strange Quiet After Mamdani Enacts “No Talking Above Whisper Level” Policy

Doctors Confirm Trump Takes Non-Lethal Dose of Lead Each Morning for Brain Hardening

Ghislaine Maxwell Remains Unquestioned as DoJ Asks Literally Anyone Else About Epstein Case

Nation Rings in New Year With Hope, 2026 Cracks Knuckles and Says “Hold My Beer”

Nicki Minaj’s Publicist Resigns, Citing “A Sudden Desire to Ever Work Again”

Cabinet Meeting Runs Smoothly After Aides Take Turns Moving President’s Arms to Simulate Engagement

Aaron Rodgers Says Fans Lack the Football IQ to Appreciate Why He Choked Again

Poll Finds Majority of Americans Think Boxing Day Celebrates Jake Paul’s Jaw Being Wired Shut

“Let us be very clear,” said a DOJ spokesperson, “There are naughty people. We know who they are. Santa knows who they are. What matters is that you do not.”

Local Family’s Christmas Photo Captures Exact Moment Uncle Was Banned from Future Gatherings

White House Sources Say Trump Shocked to Learn Greenland Is Not, In Fact, Bigger Than Africa

CBS News to Drop "C" in Network Rebrand

Trump Calls for Release of Both Pages of the Epstein File That Don’t Mention His Name

Trump Announces ‘Patriot Games’, Where Children Will Compete for Lower Gas Prices, Basic Healthcare, and Affordable Eggs

Dr. Oz Says Making Testicles Still Significantly Easier Than Growing a Pair

Kennedy Center Perplexed by Lagging Ticket Sales After Audience Held Captive and Forced to Watch Apprentice Musical

CBS News Head Bari Weiss Set to Moderate Unbiased Town Hall Called “Why the Left Is Always Wrong”

James Cameron Says ‘Avatar: Fire and Ash’ Spent Extra $1 Billion “To Really Nail the Ferns”

City Hall Reports Strange Quiet After Mamdani Enacts “No Talking Above Whisper Level” Policy

Speaker Johnson Says Having Health Care Creates “Unrealistic Expectations” About Not Dying

White House Insists Epstein Files Will Be Released Right After They Wrap Up World War 3

NBA Says Fans Will Care About NBA Cup Once They Learn to Care About It

Pentagon Says Vaporized Fishing Boats Should Have Considered Not Being So Fishy

GOP Unveils New Health Plan That Covers Everything from Crowdfunding to Selling a Kidney on Etsy

Fans Say DraftKings Heisman Sponsorship “Crosses the Line,” Immediately Wager on Where the Line Is

RFK Jr. Urges Americans to Prepare for Flu Season by Burning Sage and the CDC’s Official Guidelines

Liam Neeson Threatens to “Find and Kill” Measles Virus with a Very Particular Set of Essential Oils

Global Shipping on Alert After US Navy Ships Spotted Flying Jolly Rogers and Demanding Tribute From Passing Vessels

Trump Insists He’s Mentally Fit After Mistaking a Reporter for His Childhood Imaginary Friend, ‘Blinky the Corn Angel’