Can we harness the power that scotrail train seats have to make the entire lower half of my body numb when I sit in them? We could use it on shoplifters. 5 finger discount on a graphics calculator eh? How about pins and needles in your cock and balls!

RIP Jackie Kennedy, you would have loved the recalled Tony’s Chocolonely Easter egg with small pieces of metal in them.

Evil John Cena killed the pope.

Fucked up that the rabbit eats all those eggs when there’s a shortage

They should call it SLOW sand

"i asked chatgpt and..." you need liar clippy to tell you what to think? pathetic. grow up

Jason Momoa is just hanging around Jack Black like the guy who thought he would know more people at a house party but only sort of knows one guy well enough to stand near him and laugh at his jokes.

Stuff like this is perfect because it shows how utterly devoid of creativity genAI evangelists are. Great you recreated a photo that already exists in a drawing style that only has currency because of who you're stealing it from giving the world something with absolutely no value or meaning.

Quite frankly, nothing can compare to when you forget you’re on the bus when you’re on the bus and then you’re at your house like it’s a nice surprise.

Doing a WIP on Tuesday if you’re into that. Drygate Peaks Bar, 9pm, 18/3/25, £5. I know how to read.

Wrestling fuckin rules, man.

Accidentally got to work an hour early but I’m going to frame it as dedication to cleaning toilets.

Don’t want to brag but I just got asked for feet pics for the first time. NOW I’m a REAL comedian.

Do you think the minecraft guy is seething because with one flap of a butterfly’s wings he would have been in Elon’s position?

At the airport for an early flight and nowhere is open for food but I can buy a designer watch or an electric car.

Today, we at Google have a new product: what if you could could ask an app a question? Oh, we do that already? Well, what if we were a little bit worse at it? What if we also sometimes gave you egregiously wrong information? And what if it cost a billion dollars? Still not interested? It's mandatory

They should do another slap at the Oscar’s this year.

New episode of This Month in Drinking History out! we are back with season 2! New episode will be dropping the day of the month! You can find it where ever you listen to podcasts. Just search this month in drinking history. #drinking #history #comedy #podcast

Great example of how people who don't care what happens to you will blame you for not compromising *everything*, including your literal identity to people who, by virtue of wanting you erased, don't deserve a moment of your time or energy, but then frame it as concern for progress or your well-being

Here’s the thing. I know I’ve not built up the following I arguably never had on the other apps. But I think you should take a punt on my show. It’s about being the most forgettable man in the world, so you’ve probably already seen it. 22nd of March, £8, Van Winkle West End.

Going on Diary of a CEO and just saying “C deez nutz” over and over.

Just heard tik tok is getting banned

Working in hospitality in your 30s is just explaining what vapourwave is to your colleagues in their 50s and what digimon is to your colleagues in their 20s.

Congratulations to the man who just coughed directly into my face as he passed me in Tesco, who has presumably only recently woken from a coma he’s been in for the last 5 years.

I heard the Tesla truck exploded because of updog.

Happy new year. This is going to be your year. You’re going to achieve so much and get lots of things you want. And some guy online will still call you “a speccy wee virgin.”

Bolognese are coming Bolognese are coming

Good luck to all the games at the game awards tonight. Just remember, if you don’t win it’s not the end of the world. I never won a game award and I turned out fine.

I will make all the decisions for the government until they can fuckin grow up.

I think covid changed my body chemistry so much that a particular Calvin Klein fragrance smells like rancid salad dressing to me. And every wee guy in Glasgow is wearing it.

Just found out about the try guys

Anora should win an Oscar for funniest song choice.

Woman in the seat in front of me on the train tried to do a wee spritz of perfume around her head and sprayed it directly into my open mouth.

Just heard Anthony is leaving Smosh 😿

They should make ‘The Great British Roundhouse Kick-Off’ and I should be the judge and the host.

I would watch The Traitors if one of them was actually an undercover cop but everyone knew and just bullied them every episode.

They should let Shadow the Hedgehog be the first Sonic character to say “fuck” and maybe “piss.”

For like a month I couldn’t stop listening to a country song that’s just tik tok brain rot words with no connection to each other. Found out it’s actually a post malone song but it’s been long enough I’ve decided I’ll just never learn the real lyrics.

I asked the guy from the Huel advert what his favourite flavour was and he said “I cross the road with my eyes closed.”

Predicting the new ick: When a man eats a yogurt.

Put all the Scottish and Scotland based comedians I'm aware of on here in this starter pack. I think, I probably missed people, I'm sorry. go.bsky.app/JecbjH2

Don’t know if this is going to feel the same without 30 porn bots replying to everything I say. Felt like I’d found my audience.

Do it for the vine