I need someone to pick me up by my head long enough to decompress everything below it

Try unplugging my skull and plugging it back in?

Disconnect my spine plz

Spent too long in the gym, got a toxic positivity overdose and now I've got a migraine Need someone to come beat the fuck out of my neck and back to get the evil flowing in the bad directions again

All underwear become thongs when you are thick enough

He's about to fuck that pig isn't he?

Can't complain, there's a man with a gun who'll shoot me if I do

additionally, he has facial hair in this photograph

Me gay, do drugs crimes

I wonder how many people are gonna catastrophically fuck up thanksgiving by using chatgpt for their recipes

The only solution I can come up with at this point is to sink the whole island back into the sea and start from scratch

I gotta stop flopping into this chair, I'm going to break it I fall into like I'm not 225lbs

so if i understand this correctly, gaines has made her career by publicly calling trans athletes predators and threats to women while completely failing to ever mention even once that her mentor/college swimming coach was sexually assaulting and harassing women on the team while she was there?

Bulgarian split squats can eat my entire ass

Just take a second to picture this moment in your head, do everything you can not to flinch at the cringe and really try and come up with a scenario where being at a party and pulling out your phone to do this: Do you survive any of these scenarios with your dignity intact? I can't find one

I make the same face any time someone talks to me about Wicked

happy whatever the fuck day it is

Here’s a handy protocol to determine whether AI could be helpful with your problem or project.

It's hard to make fun of Elon Musk because no matter what you say or do he'll just volunteer something infinitely more embarrassing than anything you could come up with

UwU

You’re gonna see posts that make you think “I agree on principle but you seem unwell.” That’s the bluesky promise.

Do the proper, and holy thing and build an alter for your burnt sacrifices before burning yourself and all your worldly possessions for the great god of fire to return in the spring We thank you for your continued work to bring the seasons to change

Oh god I just coughed and my entire spine popped and I feel like I unlocked myself with a key remote what the fuck

That's pretty good

He's so loathsome

What if we rebrand Thanksgiving as a sluttier Halloween?

The war on Christmas will continue until it stays the fuck in December where it belongs

Welcome sign Felch, MI

i promise i don’t mean to high horse this but if you’re thinking about giving lizza ten bucks there are a lot of good independent journalists whose work you could subscribe to for a month instead

i want to fucking murder every single person involved in this

I have regrets I know things I cannot unknow

Top one is 275lbs, sets x reps, all weights are in lbs I can barely move my arms without feeling some pain, delayed nothin this shit start during the workout But I'm nothing if not stubborn as a river

trump has never looked at or even talked about jd vance this way lol

Zohran flip your hair again we need healthcare get him to give us healthcare.

It makes me feel like a cyberpunk technowitch lol Going to put neon lights on everything I own brb

I tell someone I love theatre and they start talking about popular musicals I then disassociate for the rest of the conversation

I watched the first few seasons of West Wing several times before I realized it wasn't a sharp toothed parody In my defense I grew up in ultra conservative territory so I assumed the makers of the show had to know more than I did... The day I realized was deeply embarrassing at the time lol

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It's literally the "MORE👏 FEMALE👏 DRONE👏 PILOTS👏" meme in a different font

One of the more fucked up things about getting a college degree is learning that some of your professors have built or designed the tools of American military imperialism I know calculus because one of the guys who helped build the targeting system for the turret cannon on the M1 Abrams taught me

My tiddies ache

I just lost the lighter that was in my hand that was also holding my phone... How are you doing this afternoon?

Trains fucking rule 🚅💨

my entire skyline is just screenshots of this