I’ve never asked a single person in my entire life how much money they make not even my parents when I was a child

Lmao went to go the gym early so I can get to my sons soccer game at 9am and it’s not open yet washed faded chopped to an extent heretofore not thought possible

Me: (age 22) ugh stayed out until 4 drinking, work at 9—not sure I can go out again tonight ok maybe just a drink or 2 but got to be home before 1 Me: (age 46) ^whispering* Bed before nine ye doing fine Asleep after twelve— the depths of hell ye shall delve

Do you think he sucked off bill Clinton wearing the phantom of the opera mask

there’s a dang cheeto in the white house

getting that "FWD:FWD:FWD:FWD:RE: WKEND?" email from "[email protected]" must have hit so hard if you were a powerful unaccountable pedophile

I am about 1 month into being forced into going into the office 4x a week & it’s a big dumb waste of everyone’s time but I have also been going to the gym nearby every day & consuming as many complimentary office protein bars as possible so I think at least when I get new job I’ll be really buff

Qanon totally exonerated

lol

they should replace the national anthem with this

Jefferey Epstein won’t c your mean tweets about his poor syntax &spelling in pedopfile conspiracy emails but ur friends and/or followers see what your twetibg so just think about that …

it should be obvious but let me make it clear in case you haven’t been paying attention: Robyn is trying to change the subject from Donald trumps involvement with Jeffrey Epstein by dropping her first single in 7 years

From: Jeffrey Epstein To: Donald Trump Subject: Pedophilia Hello my good friend Donald Trump. I am a pedophile, and I know you are also. We are friends and pedophiles, together. Best, Jeffrey Epstein, famous pedophile.

I was doing bicep curls and curled the barbel into my face and chipped my tooth when I went to the dentist she was like “beer bottle?” and I was like “mhm how’d you know”

(NYC 1995) Donald Trump: hey Jeff Jeffrey Epstein: hey Donny my man Trump: do you know any underage girls I can have sexual intercourse with Epstein: absolutely. I am a mossad agent is that cool Trump: yeah Epstein: perfecto James Brown: (inexplicably) hey D, hey Jeff

every night Donald Trump lays down in bed and grinds his teeth tossing and turning until he falls asleep and dreams of running through the sand on the beach on little saint James holding the hand of his best friend in the entire world, Jeffrey Epstein

Donald Trump staring longingly at a framed portrait of his dead friend Jeffrey Epstein a single tear rolls down his cheek before disappearing into the impossible geometry of his neck waddle

The funniest part of the JCO/Elon thing is how asymmetric it is: she definitely dashed off that tweet eviscerating him with very little thought and carried on doing whatever and he is clearly spiraling out of control consumed by it through every waking moment of his day

Greetings, Child Killer. I assume you have come here because of my son.

started getting prank calls from one of my sons classmates and I’m making zero effort to discover or stop who it is because so far the calls have been of excellent quality

He should really kill himself you know who I’m talking about

*handing over a giant sack filled with one trillion dollars* thank you sir

He 100% googled “Joyce carol Oates criticism” lol

showing Elon the JCO foot pic so he tries to somehow give himself trenchfoot to show her up

Love 2 walk around the apartment at night without my glasses on: That blurry lump on the couch over there ? Cat. That mound on the chair? Could be a cat. That bump on the ground in front of—shit. Definitely cat.

well the democrats tried their best (derogatory)

lol got his ass

Call your senators and tell them to get fucked

Boy 1: (shooting nerf gun) you’re dead Boy 2: missed me missed me now you gotta kiss me ! Boy 1: oh I’ll kiss you alright Boy 2: fine ! Boy 1: fine!

I give Elon a lot of shit but at the end of the day you have to hand it to him for tweeting out things that would necessitate any other person to commit suicide in shame over if it were revealed publicly

The fuck wants a 50 year mortgage are you fucking stupid

another day volunteering at the Oval Office at the White House. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the portrait of Ronald Reagan. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it

Ok

Engineering an armor piercing sandwich

Day 2 of “handling it well,” even weller than you could possibly have thought one could handle it if one were handling it well

I don’t think “red apple” is their best work but I have faith in the post headline writers to get off some bangers during the next 8 years

In the end it seems clear that voters came out in droves for Mamdani based on their support for Hassan piker using a shock collar on his dog going forward I hope democrats take note and run on a pro streamer pro miniature electric chairs for dogs, cats etc

i have it on good authority that even now woke pogroms are sweeping through nyc: children are having their genders reassigned, non halal restaurants being burned to the ground, anti-racist baby is now required reading at all city universities

Bill Ackman going into his gooner cave and watching October 7 videos for the next week

ok but it’s also funny the Virginia AG who got caught texting his buddy fantasizing about killing republicans won lol take note dnc

Permission to lib out?

andrew Cuomo had died he choked on a meatball and fucking died

the mayor of nyc is basically like wicker man but for a city of 8.5 million people all projecting their insanity onto one person but even so I have some hope for Mamdani

Aloof Wife Guy

Friend lives in bed stuy and just spotted Eric Adams walking to the polls lol

Friend lives in bed stuy and just spotted Eric Adams walking to the polls lol

Border Patrol agent Lairmore testifies that he was not injured by the sandwich, but he felt the impact through his ballistic vest. The sandwich came apart and "kind of exploded" on his chest upon impact, he says. "I could smell the onions and mustard."

can’t wait to have between 2 and 15 drinks and watch the little people on my phone absolutely lose their minds tonight