SHORT PEOPLE HAVE PSYCHOPATHIC TRAITS

sick and tired of politicians ignoring the Real Issues like how they keep making toilet paper more and more narrow

Inviting the lads over for a pint and a bit of Magna-Tiles

BOSS: It's truly unfortunate and you have my deepest sympathies but making cuts is what the company has to do due to the revenue losses ME: hah you said doo doo

"We need to talk."

Politely asking the flight attendant if I can have an extra cookie and if they have any XXL barf bags

Hey man I noticed you haven't been posting as much, congrats on the brain be ok

obviously the us healthcare system is good thats why other countries are trying to copy it all the time

You'll get there! We all have to start somewhere! (screaming down at you from my diamond encrusted jetpack)

Wild that Jabba Jr ended up being a troubled young adult from Chicago who, while incredibly talented, finds himself getting in the way of his own success

Three more shell casings found inscribed with the words "BAN", "POCKET", "PUSSIES". Motive remains unclear.

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with Jira boards and KPIs

He's definitely carrying around a get out of jail free card

Elon Musk looks like the kinda dude whose pubic hair grows out straight

operator: 911, please state the nature of your emergency me: hold on i'm on the phone operator: i know me: oh. right. so. hiker isn't the strongest balatro joker, but it is my favorite. even if you sell it, it's already chipped up your deck like crazy operator: totally agree me: hey i'm on the phone

My dog is a real brown noser (on accounta the ass sniffin)

Got a great POV of the BBC building on the way to the ATM. What a JOI!

Just found out that some people can't smell their farts before they come out??

I'm the guy that decided that the comfortable temperature for your shower is a 3 micron range on the handle

As a kid when my babysitter didn't want to deal with me she would give part of the babysitting money to her older brother and I would just watch him play super nintendo for a few hours. I think that made him one of the first professional streamers

Me as a kid: (contorting myself up into a katamari and tumbling down the stairs) wheeeee! Me in my 30s: (staring at an envelope I dropped on the ground and debating if it is worth the risk) that's where the mail goes now

Wow, that new robot guy is really cool! So the final version will have a mouth, right? A mouth with lips, right? A mouth with lips and a tongue and maybe a little teeth but not too hard

[entering a Five Guys] what the heck there's like six- *sees another guy* -THERE'S LIKE SEVEN GUYS WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

a lot of people think the pope's hat is so big because it's symbolic but actually it's because his head is just shaped like that

(doing tech support for the Pharaoh) Okay, close out of Curse Defender. Yeah just click the little sarcophagus. Awesome, now click the Ankh at the very bottom. Yes, now go to My Pyramid. Now enter in your password. (sigh) Okay no worries I can reset it again.

me internet be on the fritz again might as well catch up on some house chores (tossing the contents of my chamber pot out the window)

I bet this is where it starts getting good (clicking play on the 6th hour long video in a series of 20 about Warhammer 40k lore knowing full well that I will never play or read any of it)

A lot of people mad that Tom Bombadil didn't make it into the movie but I wanted to see the part where Gandalf blew off Saruman's head with a mossberg shotgun

For sale Baby shoes Affiliate link

my favorite thanksgiving tradition is watching the turkey trot 5k go past my house & claiming I’m going to run it next year, earnestly believing I’m going to become a fundamentally different person in the next twelve months.

Set up 2FA on the kitchen this year to keep all of the relatives out of the cooking area

GRANDMA: I'm thankful that I get to see all my lovely grandchildren UNCLE JIM: I'm thankful I ate some pepto before diving into this turkey heheh DRAXNUS, DEVOURER OF CREATION: yeah ditto on the pepto thing I guess

never putting on clothes again and gnawing on a uranium ingot in the name of efficiency

Oh I get to choose? Well then as a centrist I guess purgatory sounds the most fair to me

(moves to US) Wow health insurance here sure is expensive but I'm glad I have it because I need to get some dental work done, new eyeglasses, and a heading aid

GRANDMA: I'm thankful that I get to see all my lovely grandchildren UNCLE JIM: I'm thankful I ate some pepto before diving into this turkey heheh DRAXNUS, DEVOURER OF CREATION: yeah ditto on the pepto thing I guess

Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to provide more value for shareholders

getting back to my roots (broken condom)

If they didn't want a list of my sexual partners then they should have rephrased the exam question on oral history

GUY I KINDA KNOW: Oh hey! It's been a minute. I guess everyone has to buy groceries though haha ME: (kicking my cart as hard as I can down the aisle away from their view) Hey yeah just buying some healthy organics ha ha

[holiday shopping for 8-legged yoga pants at Cthulhululemon]

Grateful for my friend that lets me use their plex server but wondering what kind of movie nights he has that involve 3 criterion films and then Hot Frosty

I know that a roth ira has something to do with either eli roth or ira glass but i'm not sure which and am afraid to ask

At 10k followers I will choose one lucky follower and show their skeets to Ceej's wife

Heard there are a lot of science folks on here now so maybe one of you can tell me where on the periodic table I can find the Honda Element

You've got to make sacrifices to get ahead in life. Just incomprehensible amounts of death and misery. But those sacrifices have gotten me where I am today (shift supervisor at a applebees)

ME: Calm down, buddy. You don't need to take it so personally THE HORSE I RODE IN ON: I don't even know what I did to make that guy mad

Six years ago I googled how to fix my toilet and I am still getting served ads for toilet related products. Technology is amazing. We truly live in The Future.

Frodo's whole quest thing would have been way easier if they had just used dirt bikes