HMMM

blood pressure being 158/98 up from 114/70 just a month ago has me feeling insane. my head wants to explode my hands and feet feel huge and detached back hurts brain hurts nauseous all the time vision is shit ears are ringing i would like to die

turned the air conditioning on today. 74° inside is insane. i will be comfortable during the collapse of western society. i am not sorry fuck u @ earth

thinking about some of the terrific stories jerry dowling told at an event i helped run in december of 2024. he was feeling good that day. peace to you, jerry, a funny and incredibly talented guy. they don't make 'em like this anymore

remember when dawn dish soap used to say "a SpOoNfUl ClEaNs A sInK fUlL"? lies. no it does not. wash your dishes correctly. you should be going through that shit so fast. germy

receptionist at the doc today saw my kind-of-odd last name and said "oh weird that's my boyfriends last name" and i guess pointing at the photo of them on her desk & shrieking "ummm that's my husband, what the fuck???" was only funny to me and her colleague. she was pissed lol

deleted 15 years of work emails and messages and frankly i deserve this year or two off. or the rest of my life actually. i am never dealing with the general public again

just made the best massive pancake i've ever had in my life🥞🤌🏻💋

☕️🧇🏡

driving all the way to the meijer across town because i'd rather cut off my own thumbs with a hacksaw than ask someone at the kroger down the street to retrieve $6 face wash from its anti-shoplifting jail cage

a drama in 4 scenes

CHUCK: Look, I loved the Muppets and Fraggle Rock, but Jim Henson and those hippies killing all them people was wrong. SHAQ: I don’t care what you say, you look like Black Professor Honeydew. KENNY: [laughing] ERNIE: You mean Charles Manson, Chuck. Jim Henson was a puppeteer.

from-scratch strawberry and vanilla buttercream cake. not that pretty but hit the spot

the people who gloat about how much they work, never sit down, never take a break, no dAyS oFf mentality, "i'll sleep when im dead" crowd drive me insane. chill the fuck out. we all die in the end and you're being insufferable while you're alive. who cares

made a homemade funfetti cake with white chocolate ganache filling and vanilla buttercream frosting

mixing this guy's weller antique 107 with diet coke bc i feel like causing problems on purpose

i am going to go home, roll up the fattest ass blunt known to mankind, pour an entire bottle of wine into a stanley, and thaw out in the hottest bathwater available to me for roughly 3 hours

my fav mexican joint where i could sit at the bar and play animal crossing on the switch and eat steak quesadillas without being bothered closed up for good bc the staff wasnt too keen on being rounded up and deported by a bunch of cosplaying dorks. anyway this is ruining my life

Hey @drewstubbmuffin.bsky.social

can't catch me thooooo i am not a pokemon

They are onto you @drewstubbmuffin.bsky.social

tires should be $29.99 at most. is it not a rubber disc with a hole stamped through it

Very exciting to get my new Displ a y frame for spo rts ca rd delivered today

it's my boy Baggins' 17th christmas ❤️

admire my christmas feast, by me myself and i

this shit is so much better mixed with diet coke. my mind cannot be changed

christmas morning omelette by me. goetta, cheddar and garlic onion cream cheese inside

merry christmas!

i need a cigarette. i do not even like cigarettes

fucken doug amirite

my dude George came to see me at work today ⚾️

my lazy fuckass neighbor has their dumbass kid's bus driver honk five (5) times at 6:30am every day to tell the kid they're there, 15 feet from the front door. it wakes me up and pisses me off. currently sitting in the car laying on the horn to let them know how annoying they are

Facebook memories and simpsons tapped out @drewstubbmuffin.bsky.social

i need a couple ideas for white elephant gifts around $100 each. if someone was going to spend $100 on you, what would you want that can be opened from a gift bag under a tree on december 25

Why aren’t fishermen generous? 🎣 🎣 🎣 Because it’s their business to sell fish…. This dad joke is sponsored by @drewstubbmuffin.bsky.social

admire the baby kitty in his christmas tree house

My dear friend wants to remind everyone that Old People are terrifying

did you know there's a horror movie called Old People on netflix @psr1973.bsky.social

guy on the phone is Very Mad At Me bc i said no, i will not let him bring his 8x9' hand-carved cincinnati reds themed tables into my store & try to sell them for $3000 & pay me $100 in commission if it sells. he is raging. i am cackling. i hate everyone so much lol jesus christ

been staring at the ceiling in the attic from the floor for a solid 45 minutes, in case you wondered how i'm doing

hey real quick i just wanna clarify that a 15-year-old is not a "barely legal" type, 15 is actually extremely illegal because that would be a child. i do hope this helps!

made the mistake of clicking on the comments under a photo of the northern lights. apparently it is not science, my friends. no no. it is chemtrails and jesus

🧡🖤

i'd be jealous too

what up hoes

Ohtani never plays well in Philly because of our well-documented home field advantage (giant casino right next to the ballpark)

randy rob & norm - ⚾️ the homies

antiques roadshow "do you know the background of this item" "well i was always told..." "well actually ur a fucken moron, totally wrong, no one has ever been so wrong, ur bloodline is weak, & no one will ever love you. anyway it's worth $11,000,000 on a bad day. remarkable piece"

need the baseball season to come to a close. clocking too many level 10 hangovers lately