i've been to prison once. been married (twice). i was once drafted by lyndon johnson and had to live in shit ass mexico for two and a half years for no reason

🖤

Goddamnit @drewstubbmuffin.bsky.social

everything is fake and nothing matters. who cares

Here’s your cactus @drewstubbmuffin.bsky.social

Best cat eye roll ever

currently trapped in my bathtub due to a filthy spider blocking the doorway. if i take my eyes off of it im toast. i need a gun. i need to put this thing through the wall. suddenly i'm little miss 2A FUCK get me OUT of HERE

doing the best i can with what i've got and what i've got is 💕crippling depression💕

just found out weevils are real. thought that was some shit dwight schrute made up

i ordered a jack and diet. i bet this is $21 lol

cannot stop thinking about this cursed relic at the antique store

when i consider foreign policy and crime per capita i always think WWPLD (what would pope leo do) (this is his job)

Replace any monuments to Trump with statues of that landmine sniffing rat

the closest thing to hell on earth is not war or famine. it is not genocide or abject poverty. it is neither sickness of the body or mind, nor a tortured, broken spirit. it is coachella

if anyone gets an extra bobblehead at the reds game today i would love to buy it from you. shoot me a message

guy working at the hellhole shell station in kettering was picking the nuts out of this payday one by one. why did he open it like this :( he's not even eating the good part of the payday :( the gas station sells peanuts :( diabolical.

my mother and the most unhinged narcissistic lunatic to stroll this earth walk into a bar. the bartender says "oh hey sheli"

HMMM

blood pressure being 158/98 up from 114/70 just a month ago has me feeling insane. my head wants to explode my hands and feet feel huge and detached back hurts brain hurts nauseous all the time vision is shit ears are ringing i would like to die

turned the air conditioning on today. 74° inside is insane. i will be comfortable during the collapse of western society. i am not sorry fuck u @ earth

thinking about some of the terrific stories jerry dowling told at an event i helped run in december of 2024. he was feeling good that day. peace to you, jerry, a funny and incredibly talented guy. they don't make 'em like this anymore

remember when dawn dish soap used to say "a SpOoNfUl ClEaNs A sInK fUlL"? lies. no it does not. wash your dishes correctly. you should be going through that shit so fast. germy

receptionist at the doc today saw my kind-of-odd last name and said "oh weird that's my boyfriends last name" and i guess pointing at the photo of them on her desk & shrieking "ummm that's my husband, what the fuck???" was only funny to me and her colleague. she was pissed lol

deleted 15 years of work emails and messages and frankly i deserve this year or two off. or the rest of my life actually. i am never dealing with the general public again

just made the best massive pancake i've ever had in my life🥞🤌🏻💋

☕️🧇🏡

driving all the way to the meijer across town because i'd rather cut off my own thumbs with a hacksaw than ask someone at the kroger down the street to retrieve $6 face wash from its anti-shoplifting jail cage

a drama in 4 scenes

CHUCK: Look, I loved the Muppets and Fraggle Rock, but Jim Henson and those hippies killing all them people was wrong. SHAQ: I don’t care what you say, you look like Black Professor Honeydew. KENNY: [laughing] ERNIE: You mean Charles Manson, Chuck. Jim Henson was a puppeteer.

from-scratch strawberry and vanilla buttercream cake. not that pretty but hit the spot

the people who gloat about how much they work, never sit down, never take a break, no dAyS oFf mentality, "i'll sleep when im dead" crowd drive me insane. chill the fuck out. we all die in the end and you're being insufferable while you're alive. who cares

made a homemade funfetti cake with white chocolate ganache filling and vanilla buttercream frosting

mixing this guy's weller antique 107 with diet coke bc i feel like causing problems on purpose

i am going to go home, roll up the fattest ass blunt known to mankind, pour an entire bottle of wine into a stanley, and thaw out in the hottest bathwater available to me for roughly 3 hours

my fav mexican joint where i could sit at the bar and play animal crossing on the switch and eat steak quesadillas without being bothered closed up for good bc the staff wasnt too keen on being rounded up and deported by a bunch of cosplaying dorks. anyway this is ruining my life

Hey @drewstubbmuffin.bsky.social

can't catch me thooooo i am not a pokemon

They are onto you @drewstubbmuffin.bsky.social

tires should be $29.99 at most. is it not a rubber disc with a hole stamped through it

Very exciting to get my new Displ a y frame for spo rts ca rd delivered today

it's my boy Baggins' 17th christmas ❤️

admire my christmas feast, by me myself and i

this shit is so much better mixed with diet coke. my mind cannot be changed

christmas morning omelette by me. goetta, cheddar and garlic onion cream cheese inside

merry christmas!

i need a cigarette. i do not even like cigarettes

fucken doug amirite

my dude George came to see me at work today ⚾️

my lazy fuckass neighbor has their dumbass kid's bus driver honk five (5) times at 6:30am every day to tell the kid they're there, 15 feet from the front door. it wakes me up and pisses me off. currently sitting in the car laying on the horn to let them know how annoying they are