L.A. Noire is Rockstar’s best game and it’s not even close

Somebody told me I’m “hot for a comedian” which is a lot like being told you’re “smart for a dog”

Bad week to have moved to LA without a car

This feels like America’s series finale 😔

Hanging with dad and he keeps referencing things I’m too young to understand, like “The Beverly Hillbillies” and “home ownership”

Beans, beans The musical fruit They studied abroad And mastered the lute

L.A. Noire is Rockstar’s best game and it’s not even close

And I’d do it again, too! (The faux pas AND the poor copy editing)

I never lost my virginity. I always know where it is. It’s called an air tag you losers

(open mic in 1992) a new jersey drone, ya mean my MOTHER IN LAW

Me, age ten: “boys are dumb” My mom: “one day you’ll grow up and that opinion will change. Me, age 32: “men are dumb” My mom: “now you’re getting it!”

Thank you for reading!! And what I’m hearing is that I should do a part 2….

Hey, so this week was crazy, right? First, the CEO of UnitedHealthcare was killed in New York. This caused other CEOs to do what they refer to in the business world as “totally shit their pants.” Here are six billionaires who need your financial support this year. Alexfromoakland.substack.com

Every day the song Monster becomes increasingly problematic

Me in SF: I can’t talk to myself on this train or people will think I’m crazy Me in NYC: if I talk to myself on this train I will still be the least crazy person here

Should I finally watch Sex and the City or am I insufferable enough

In honor of Giving Tuesday I humbly ask you to give it a rest

and other jokes: timbarnescomedy.substack.com/p/five-jokes...

(to the tune of “I’m coming out”) I’m giving up

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a girl, standing in front of another girl, standing in front of another girl because I’m in a hall of mirrors

Technically all of the Candyman’s bees are ethnically sourced

Fallout is a Thanksgiving game, Skyrim is a Christmas game, and Cyberpunk 77 is a game you play the day after Valentine’s Day with the biggest hangover of your life

My Pilates instructor saw me struggling today so she said “just imagine what your favorite super hero would do.” So I k*lled half the class & watched the sun rise on a grateful universe.

I said brr! It’s cold in here! There must be inattentive landlords in this atmosphere

BREAKING: Trump taps Jeff Winger to be new Attorney General

I really enjoy receiving constructive criticism and respond to it in a totally normal way! - me on Opposite Day

They MIGHT be Giants?? I’m gonna need to know for sure one way or the other

HEY NYC, I'm doing my video game show, Shit Arcade at @caveatnyc.bsky.social on 12/5 at 7 pm! See some truly bad games! @therealtony.bsky.social @mohanadelshieky.bsky.social @garyjackson.bsky.social @alexfromoakland.bsky.social @danwilbur.bsky.social Nat Towsen Paris Adkins Link below!

Oh THIS is where all the nice people were!! I was worried you all died

This is what Harry Potter sees in his tea leaves right before that one black kid drops the most ominous line of the movie

I’d say “let him cook” but I’m worried about what kind of meat he’d use