If you want to fully enrage a 4 year old just do the robot while you’re at a stoplight listening to “Soda Pop” from K-Pop Demon Hunters. Follow me for more parenting tips ✨

Me on December 31, 2025: “THIS year will be better! It just has to be!” Me halfway through January, 2026:

God grant me the confidence of Pam Bondi being questioned and knowing she is on the wrong side of history yet acting as though she is not

don't agree with the man but huge props to tim allen for keeping his mouth shut the last few years

The sun this summer be like

Wish I could tell my teen self that when she’s almost 40 she’ll be sitting in her car outside a haunted brewery, listening to Lady Marmalade and waiting to sit in on a Ouija board session ✨

Watching Final Destination 5 and sighing deeply as I add more and more things to my Irrational Fear List

PSA: do not eat Taco Bell at midnight unless you want to have dreams where @pftompkins.bsky.social relentlessly pursues you throughout downtown Miami

Tell me this doesn’t look like a poster for a horror movie! 👻 She makes me so proud 🖤

Pretty weird how the same crowd who couldn’t breathe in masks during Covid have no problem wearing masks as they abduct people off the street

Been wanting to punch the smug face of this dude from the opening credits of Cheers forever

This is dark

TDS (Trump Derangement Syndrome): A mindset marked by such blind fanaticism that it renders the individual incapable of critical thought, self-reflection, or empathy. Characterized by the compulsive need to follow a strongman, suppress dissent, and justify cruelty as virtue.

These are the times that try men’s souls.

“Rollin” in the first phrase, not “ridin”. Nobody on God’s Bluesky called me on this I had to check myself so as to not wreck myself. We must do better

Waiting for the Wicked For Good trailer like

Elon either took less ketamine today or more ketamine or perhaps just the right amount

If I was in a Final Destination movie I wouldn’t try to help many people, just the ones I really liked because half those movies are some dum-dum yelling about how you’re crazy and just fucking everything up. I’m not gonna waste my time and energy on you Mr. “Ominous Portents Of Death Aren’t Real”

Get you a man who picks you wildflowers while he’s disc golfing

I am 5 minutes into Presence and I already don’t care what the spooky thing is, I’d move into that house in a heartbeat. Ghosts are just a bonus

My daughter did not eat her lunch so she was hungry. While the corn, garlic bread, and casserole were all cooking I sat next to her on the couch and she frowned, pointed at the kitchen and said “Go cook, I need my dinner” Is she the reincarnation of someone’s mean husband from the 1950s?!

I hope the men working on my deck don’t look at what I’m watching on TV unless they are prepared to see someone get eviscerated with a chainsaw because that’s just how I roll

As many Nicole Kidman roles I idolized during my formative years I can’t believe it took me so long to become a redhead

It’s not Dan Flashes but I love it

I found something beautiful at a thrift store @ityslmemes.com

Me and my kid

Happy That One Time Bruno Mars Saw Pete Wentz Day to all who celebrate 🤘🏻

I know there’s a Kevin and a Joe but for the life of me I cannot remember the third Jonas Brother so before I look it up here are all the names I tried with “Jonas” and yes I know none of them are right - Jack - Michael - Scott - Steve - Brian - Max - Peter

What is Katy Perry currently on and how do I get some

Living my best life

Painting my toenails, watching horror movies like a girl about to be killed in an 80s slasher flick

My adult neighbor with children put this on her driveway as if I didn’t already have enough reasons to dislike living next to her

Movie pitch: Mrs. Doubtfire but the ex wife knows it’s him the whole time and lets it slide because he’s finally putting in the work. Maybe she works him even harder. More manual labor for you, former deadbeat

All I ask is that when I am gone I am as missed and revered as Aimee-Leigh Gemstone

The best thing I won in the divorce was never being forced to watch another Marvel movie ever again

Is everyone else’s local Facebook groups just people ranting at bad drivers who will never see the posts or am I just blessed

It is 5:56 am, I have a horrendous cold, and my 3 year old is refusing to eat the applesauce she bullied me into getting her because it’s “too spicy”

If you ask me I think people should simply stop staying at White Lotus Resorts

Spent time in a haunted brewery today nbd

Loud and clear: if everything this orange moron has done takes away your livelihood and your freedoms, YOU are to blame because you’re “weak.” Welcome to America, feeling great again yet?

permission to lib out, sir

Why are all the April Fool’s Day brand jokes pickle themed this year

Sorry I can’t talk I’m busy regretting the fact that I didn’t buy the awesome Gooey Butter Cake shirt I saw at the thrift store

Today

Some mornings I tell myself “Today is going to be a great day” and I really mean it and other mornings it’s more like Evan Hansen fully lying to himself

After watching Holland I now no longer have imposter syndrome. I, too, could write a barely coherent and wholly unsatisfying film for a major streaming network