It's my birthday, I am finally 40

My new lesbian boyfriend is tiny but wears extremely oversized clothes so I get to have the classic girlfriend experience of borrowing a boyfriend jacket that's way too big for me

You ever make a decision that you already know is 100% you on your bullshit and you have to go and talk to your friends all embarrassed like "ok first of all I already know what you're gonna say" I think my future love life goal is to stop getting into relationships that feel like that

My perfect beautiful butthole survived its surgery and is more perfect and beautiful than ever

Everyone wish my butthole good luck on its surgery today

Well, it's a little clearer now why billionaires are so invested in technology that produces better written emails.

I took an ADHD eval where I had to sit still and focus on matching shapes on a screen for 20 min. Subjectively easy; worried I did too well for an ADHD diagnosis Results: In 5 out of 6 categories, 97% of people did better than me. I was apparently one of the clearest ADHD cases they'd seen before

Bitches love my conflict resolution skills

my body is a machine that turns cup ramen into time theft

Fearing that my perfect streak of having no hard feelings between me and my exes may be at an end - caught a block :/ hope it's temporary

New relationship energy is stupid because my brain sends me all the "there's something exciting and interesting and worth discussing happening" signals but when I go to talk about it, my thoughts are like "snuggling..... is very good :)"

Just realized that I can track how well I'm correcting my anterior pelvic tilt by watching my line tattoo. When I got it, it went straight up and now it has a noticeable curve

As a power lifter I always forget that Olympic lifting exists so I see people setting up and I'm like "oh cute they're learning to deadlift :) .... ok weird form but good deadli- OH HEAVENS NO PUT THAT DOWN"

I am really bad at staying single

More doomed attempts at playing the piano

More doomed attempts at playing the piano

I tried to make a list of friends to invite to a hypothetical birthday party and it's three of my exes, one person I'm ambiguously involved with and three people on a list of hot friends I have specifically decided to not fuck. I can no longer be trusted with the power of being poly

warner brothers trickster figures explained

There's a middle aged woman at this bar with like a Drive style jacket but the design on the back is a technical drawing of a Timber Wolf from Battletech, and I'm in love with her

Having ADHD is like, I am trying to find my notebook and all I remember is that last time I saw it I thought "wow that's a really weird place to put that, I'm never gonna remember it's there. I should definitely move it as soon as I'm not holding all these balloons"

I like it when my phone's keyboard picks up little things I've typed and generates a little image to accompany them, like

Somebody teach me how to play a piano, I don't think this is right

Somebody teach me how to play a piano, I don't think this is right

The algorithm will notify you about anything. "Thelonious Monk just released a new single" No he didn't. That isn't true.

I heard a good thing actually happened? Wild

Trust no one

Wildin' out about the fragility of human connection on a Tuesday morning

One time I gave a friend some accurate but kinda harsh "you just gotta live through this" advice and he uh did not live through it so now whenever I give advice I think about how I would feel if these were my parting words; it's pretty normal and healthy probably

I went to a murder mystery party and got to play an old timey circus strongwoman

Thinking about that time when I showed a local tgirl a good time and then like 30 minutes after she got dressed and left my place both her girlfriends added me on Instagram at the same time. Felt like I was in a video game and my reputation leveled up

I went to a murder mystery party and got to play an old timey circus strongwoman

Discussing "da big topics" with @edzitron.com. Check out da full episode if you want, it's on the place podcasts are. If you don't like my editing I will go insane and cry so don't tell me

Having done some rough geometry, I am sad to report that there is not enough space for a stripper pole in my apartment

I checked my clearsky for the first time in a while and based on the timeline it seems like over a hundred people blocked me due to this photo, which is very funny for a pg thirst trap with less than 50 likes

Nice reply "owning" me, unfortunately you parsed 2 levels of irony but missed completely the third, wherein it's clear I'm making fun of the persona your reply intended to critique. That being said I'm still hurt to an almost unimaginable degree

Tonight I performed as a clown in front of a CROWD for an HOUR and everyone said that I was FUNNY and HOT

I was doing like 5 reps at 315 and lamenting how much strength I lost during my gym break, and then I thought "am I really going to failure or is my body just scared of getting hurt now?" and my body was like "fiiiiine you caught me, here's more reps"

wait you wanna do what now? hmmm... oops...

My new apartment has the perfect lewd taking space, those are gonna go so hard when I have free time to take them

My key said "DO NOT DUPLICATE" on it so when I took it to the guy to get it copied he asked if I wanted the copy to say "DO NOT DUPLICATE" too

The manual for my nice new steel wok says that it will take some time for the wok to cultivate its "chi"

I am sooooooo sick of being in complicated love life situations

Got cheaper internet by flirting with the cable store guy

if you see this post, your actions are: - if you have a spare buck, give it to Wikipedia, then repost this - if you don't have a spare buck, just repost your action is mandatory for the world's best source of information to survive

Moved into my own place today, it's gorgeous. Happy to have retained custody of most of the kids (one cat and seven identical stuffed bears)

If you're ever in a poly relationship with someone you really love and get depressed I gotta really recommend against trying to pull yourself out of depression by pouring energy into exciting new crushes such that you end up neglecting your long term partner. Huge common L

IMO the "do it scared" advice is so easy compared to doing it sad or doing it bored

Sorry, I touched something that had an unexpectedly unpleasant texture and now I'm a bitch