At long last, i feel safe admitting that I am the cause of the great 2002 pussy-drought.

If I were an uber driver I would start playing public domain classics any time a white person got in my car. Hot cross buns, Froggy went a courtin’, Jamiroquai. All of it.

My rice cooker often undercooks rice. What am I doing wrong? It’s a zojirushi

“We’ve allowed T-Shirts to become too expensive.” On a T-Shirt? $400?

Me trying to accurately convey any emotion that makes me uncomfortable

May we all find forgiveness and also $30

Anybody going to therapy today? I need a couple things.

Is anyone ready to commit to learning Intergalactic with me and one other person for the sickest karaoke moment I can think of?

Emus are fucking ludicrous.

What day is it? Chensday? Scrangletide?

If I don’t start getting some stagetime in this town I’m going to take it. FROM YOUR CHILDREN!!!

Buddy looks like a ventriloquist dummy absorbed its host.

Found this classic from 8(?) years ago. @andysell.bsky.social @razorlou.bsky.social @allierosejokes.bsky.social

I just found out my friend - *everyone's* friend, seriously, i cannot express enough how beloved - John Rosenberger died. No one person did more to make comedy in New York feel like a community. I'm so sad.

Honestly it wouldn’t suck if some bad people started dying instead of only the good ones.

I have been offered and accepted the roll of “Fat Wizard With Pants Full of Soup” in the new Harry Potter series. I don’t agree with the views of the author, but I’m hoping my sensitive portrayal of “Fat Wizard With Pants Full of Soup” will begin the healing process and also earn me 400k

The wizard sleeps tranquilly. In the distance, a wolf howls.

I don’t want anyone to freak out but I just got a whopping 20 years of good luck by liking a measly two cat photos on Threads.

Been getting into binaural/focus music lately. Anybody know a channel that doesn’t sound like I’m at a hobbit’s funeral?

People are posting stuff about how turning 35 is crazy and I’m over here at 43 like

Pants are a construct

My beard fell off

I always bring my switch 2 on the train in case I want to miss a bunch of stops every fucking time!

So many people who can reasonably be described as “that little shit” are in charge of so much of society.

Oh Spider-Noir is great? Gotcha

Liv 2 curl up with my phone at bedtime and convince myself I have lime disease

No my stripper name is NOT the color of my underwear plus the last thing I ate. It’s “Lewd Diamond Phillips” and has been since the day I was born.

*Space Jam music intensifying in background* “Scully. Do you believe in intergalactic alien basketball games?…”

Just take a second to note how strange it is that some people are called “Melvin”

🫈🫈🫈 THE BIGFOOT EMOJI HAS LANDED 🫈🫈🫈(gonna be huge for the sport)

The Irish claim Obama so hard and I am absolutely here for it 😂

We are sad to announce that the Noise Marines from Warhammer 40k will no longer be performing at the Great American State Fair

Me, no pants, cup of coffee, dropping fire takes on Threads: “This must be How Chappel Roan feels.”

Mortified at how unprepared our government was for two snakes. What if there’s three!?

WE MUST OFFER CLAVICULAR TO THE BOG IF WE HOPE TO HARVEST-MAXX!

Ok, if they aren’t going to make a Bloodborne sequel they at least need to add micro transactions. Peter Griffin skin would go CRAZY in this shit.

In Ireland. Had a spice bag. It came in a box. This is truly a land of mystery.

Just saw two people pointing out the sun to one another. Safe to say we’ve landed in England.

Yogurt; all-time breakfast slime.

I’m up here on this plane and they’re like “sir, you can’t touch the clouds!” And I’m like “WHY!?!?” And they’re like “They are outside of the plane.” “Open the door then.” “But…” “OPEN IT!!”

Watching Smiling Friends and it’s nice to see some representation for whatever it is I am

Just learned the term “Hobosexual?” I guess it’s a gay guy with a cold?

If I were an early hominid, I would definitely be the one trying to discover new ingredients: This leaf makes soup good! These berries make tea! This mushroom kills grandfather!

I miss my old home! The blissful void of non-existence!!!

Well, I can never go back to Threads. Got in a fight with a brand mascot, said some things. What do we do here? Like, wry observations?

Boy, Persimmons are weird, huh? Looks like a tomato, tastes like a thumb: Persimmons!

Current favorite word that only increases my unlikability: “Byzantine”

Guys, Donald Trump got into my apartment somehow. He’s banging into windows, saying slurs, there’s Ketchup EVERYWHERE. What do I do? Is this a “get out and vote” situation?