“Boarding group Z you are now invited to cling to the belly of the plane like rats.”

All male podcast about avoiding personal responsibility.

I wouldn’t mind seeing ads for Acorn TV if the ads weren’t so insistent that Acorn TV is a real thing that we already all know about.

It’s over. Inform the hoes.

CASTING CALL: Metamucil - Casting someone who looks like they blast major deuces. I’m talking huge, meatloaf-for-a-family-of-six, find-it-fossilized-in-a-million-years-style sizzlers. DO NOT respond unless you can provide an absolutely feral growler on command. Improv skills a plus.

You guys ever take acid? That shit sucks!

Starting to consider the remote possibility that I’m not a great hang. Question: do people want more lizard facts, or less?

How do I get a viral skeet? I think I’d be really good at it!

The thing is, at the end of the day, I just don’t want to look at Jared Leto if I don’t have to.

Okay now that the wedding is done I can finally post these amazing illustrations @razorlou.bsky.social did of the dogs

BREAKING: White House Halloween ball in jeopardy as RFK Jr. announces “Skeletons not real; can’t get you”

Huge year for morons.

Boy, I can’t help but imagine what Charlie Kirk would say at a time like this. Probably something like: “Blood for the blood god, guns for the gun throne…”

It’s insane how many clicks and whirrs need to occur before my printer will start printing.

“American dominance in world affairs would ultimately begin to unravel in 2025, when a golden pedophile was elected president in an attempt to figure out where all the money and children were going…”

Thanks to a clerical error I’ve apparently spent the last three months rooting through SLEEVE Martin’s garbage :(((

My body is a machine that turns everyday conversation into hurt feelings.

Hot horror take: I didn’t/don’t get Annihilation. I WANT to. The plant people, the bear, the whole thing seems very cool but then at the end there’s like a lady made of liquid metal or something and I just… WHAT IS GOING ON!?

Slightly diminish a band: 1 Live Crew

Maybe we don’t have a “Male Lonliness Epidemic” so much as a bunch of developmentally arrested c*nts that nobody wants to be friends with?

Stunning to see how many people are just...spending their one life on earth, sequences of precious breath, by being angry at people on the internet, bulging eyed with self righteous fury as if it's any more important to the world to do so than huffing paint

Thoroughly enjoying the new King of the Hill.

BREAKING: Donald Trump is up on the roof playing something he calls “Great Big President.” Sources close to the president suggest he will be down for some nuggies after, and can play later.

You are so angry and so unfairly maligned and so unrecognized for your special and magical gifts when all you REALLY are is one of billions trying to feel safe and seen on a planet that is running out of patience… oh and good morning I guess.

Man, sometimes I’ll see a dirtbag walking down the street and be like “hell yeah.” Flipping a coin. Up to no good.

I too have cancelled my F 35 order and I urge you to do the same. www.businesstoday.in/amp/india/st...

I can’t imagine how hard it is to be a conservative parent. What if your kids turned out to be good people!?!?

Oh no!! I’ve had the amount of coffee that makes it feel like a hawk is chasing me through a narrowing field!…

More like Shart Week am I right? (I shit my pants)

Got a new, lightly political T-shirt and that should do it

America is a dad with diabetes who won’t stop eating Oreos

I think it’s pretty telling that the general consensus surrounding alien invasion rn is “YES PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WE DONT KNOW WHAT WE ARE DOING”

I wish a big, strong Godzilla would just come and take me away from all this!

Whenever I encounter a Taco Place with really good tacos and really bad house-made hot sauce I always feel like there’s more going on there. Feuding brother-chefs? An abuela who can’t taste because of the war? A time-honored family recipe from a time before taste? Should be a warning on the bag.

Just kicking back with a Jimmy John’s, watching A Bug’s Life on Freeform. Hbu?

Holy smokes! You know it’s gonna be a good Saturday when you got @joshgondelman.bsky.social on the Flop House riffin with the lads.

Hey, remember the episode of Coach where Coach comes face to face with a former student-turned-pro-football player who got cancer because of all the steroids Coach inadvertently encouraged him to take!?!?… YEAH NEITHER DID I

Why does Bugs Bunny spend so much time dressing up like a lady to trick Elmer Fudd who is clearly gay?

[peering out the window as blood rains from the sky] we needed this

Richard Karn has the energy of a man who has been up all night eating cereal.

What’s your problem?

Today is my birthday. I will still be taking questions.

Are we gonna get a Benoit Blanc TV series or what?

My life has become completely unhinged due to family developments but I am drinking an ensure every morning crapping like a Greek GOD.

I’m like a magic eye poster. At first I appear quite ugly, but once you get to know me, I’m a sailboat

The plural of “Moth” should be “Mother”

@moshthrillman.bsky.social it just occurred to me that a footlong is two dawgs linked together. This this potentially changes everything, please meet me in the lab

Just watching The Muppet Show, and this Gonzo character? Wildly unprofessional.