Getting some weird side effects from my vaccine. I woke up just now and I love doo-wop?

I don’t like it when there’s too much cinnamon in a thing.

Comedians will be like “being 35 is crazy.” No it’s not: Drink water, eat fiber, don’t freak out if your teeth bleed.

I have a small cut on the roof of my mouth so that’s what I’ll be doing for most of today.

Weaknesses: Constantly quoting the Simpsons regardless of context or necessity. Strengths: I’m the biggest man in the world now. And I’m covered in gold.

2026 is the year I finally become one of those squirrel-suit glider guys; zipping and dipping through natural rock formations, challenging fate, pushing the limit, sticking the landing. Also I’m ripped. Huge hog.

So, I checked and we don’t HAVE to apologize for being white any more but you still get half off a small Wendy’s Frosty if you do.

The state-sponsored chocolate from IKEA is incredible

I SWEAR I didn’t

Oh shit! Is this the uppance? Is it coming?

The kids are alright, man. Some of em. The drunk ones…

Just finished it and I’m back to thinking Welcome to Derry is good. Don’t even know who I am anymore.

In one of those bars where two dudes are getting drunk and telling stories about times they were either tough or straight. None of which are very convincing.

If America were a person it would 100% not be allowed to legally own guns.

-SEEKING TRADWIFE- Must have: Hands Feet Tusks Tail At least an Associate’s Degree

They say you can’t swim in the pool if you have explosive diarrhea and I am here to tell you that you can. Maybe a little faster tbh.

Ok, first of all what’s wrong with being a sea witch? Spells need casting in the sea, and suddenly that makes you evil? And secondly of all she didn’t STEAL anything. She Purchased Ariel’s voice at the cost of giving her MAGIC LEGS. SICK OF THIS SHIT. #justiceforursula

Does anyone know a good plumber? There’s turtles and mushrooms and spicy flowers coming out of the toilet. My nephew ate one and can now spit fireballs which is helpful but like ARGH!!! Who’s gonna step on all these turtles!?!

About to live-skeet Octopath Zraveler 0 while flying to Costa Rica for my honeymoon: my quest to make the most alienating content imaginable… continues.

“Luncheon Meat”

Omg it’s so cold out that I almost puked. What the fuck. Ow.

Somehow more bald and hairy than ever.

Ok so I just watched Ernest Saves Christmas and absolutely no disrespect to the man because he did but like BARELY

Gonna stop drinking water and start selling jewelry-quality kidney stones.

So we just don’t have to pay taxes anymore, right? Now that the government is all pirates?

Back to thinking Welcome to Derry is bad. I think i’m a moron in that my favorite movie is the last one I watched while high.

I recognize two genres of Christmas Song: “SHH, Jesus is trying to sleep!” songs, and “Santa’s been drinking” songs.

Trying to be on Bluesky more where I can post something like “Cinnamon Buns rock!” Without the app sending direct notifications to @CinnamonbunJusticeFoundation @ChristiansAgainstCinnamonBuns and @CinnabuttzOhio

“And up next is the balloon commemorating GUN! Whether it’s firing at a suspicious teen for ringing your doorbell on accident or shooting yourself in the dick while making a QuickDraw video for TikTok I think we can all agree that America is GUN and GUN is America.”

Kash Patel always looks like he just woke up from doing cocaine in his sleep.

There should be a plane where everyone can lie down. And there should also be a dog on the plane. And I need a glass of water.

Hey, people who don’t open the shade when the plane is landing; what the fuck is wrong with you!?!

“Most GOOD gyro meat comes from a smoking hole in the desert; harvested by mute men with long knives. The rest, i can assure you is either cursed, conjured or entirely fictional.” - Colonel Sanders (opium years)

“Boarding group Z you are now invited to cling to the belly of the plane like rats.”

All male podcast about avoiding personal responsibility.

I wouldn’t mind seeing ads for Acorn TV if the ads weren’t so insistent that Acorn TV is a real thing that we already all know about.

It’s over. Inform the hoes.

CASTING CALL: Metamucil - Casting someone who looks like they blast major deuces. I’m talking huge, meatloaf-for-a-family-of-six, find-it-fossilized-in-a-million-years-style sizzlers. DO NOT respond unless you can provide an absolutely feral growler on command. Improv skills a plus.

You guys ever take acid? That shit sucks!

Starting to consider the remote possibility that I’m not a great hang. Question: do people want more lizard facts, or less?

How do I get a viral skeet? I think I’d be really good at it!

The thing is, at the end of the day, I just don’t want to look at Jared Leto if I don’t have to.

Okay now that the wedding is done I can finally post these amazing illustrations @razorlou.bsky.social did of the dogs

BREAKING: White House Halloween ball in jeopardy as RFK Jr. announces “Skeletons not real; can’t get you”

Huge year for morons.

Boy, I can’t help but imagine what Charlie Kirk would say at a time like this. Probably something like: “Blood for the blood god, guns for the gun throne…”

It’s insane how many clicks and whirrs need to occur before my printer will start printing.

“American dominance in world affairs would ultimately begin to unravel in 2025, when a golden pedophile was elected president in an attempt to figure out where all the money and children were going…”