What if we kissed on the $7000 gorilla throne?

Point groups? I'll point them out the door.

Sincerity is hot

TEN......THOUSAND DOLLAR RAM TEN......MIL DINERO RAM~!! - THE PRICEMASTER HAS SPOKEN -

I'm taking some time off dating for a while. Which means my body is going to be like Prairie Chapel Ranch because I'm going Full Bush 😎👉👉

It's okay to hold two beliefs that contradict one another. Not every human experience needs to be completely logically consistent. It's okay to just be.

The bread I bought has slices that are too big. It makes overwhelming toast. This is a total disaster.

I'm a goon for VHS

all at once a queer accident happened

My favorite thing about cooking fish is that you can't burn it due to their aquatic origin

Is it inappropriate to follow people on insta who negged you on a dating app?

Just learned I'm older than Leslie Knope is in the first season of Parks and Rec. If you need me, I'll be swallowing glass.

I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me

At work, you might be able to have your phone volume up or stink like BO, but you should never do both.

in the real world not nearly enough buckaroos goin around looking at clues with a magnifying glass

if elected president i promise to be just as corrupt as our current leadership, perhaps even moreso. but I will also reinvest the entire defense and policing budgets into creating what i call The Health Cigarette

Is vague-posting still a thing? If not, it should be. Everyone should be able to muse uselessly into the void.

Lol who even gives a fuck

I still kiss my wife on the lips when she's sick because I hope that shit will kill me.

Absolutely no one outside of Scotland can name more than one Loch and I will die on that beinn

I need one of these for my sinuses

Peanut butter and jelly and cheese

So far, the only negative thing to come out of society's growing acceptance of sexuality is that I can no longer say "Bite me" as a cool throwback phrase without being pegged as a bdsm type

as the homo sapien crushes pigment with water on the cave floor, then presses his hand to the stone and spreads the ink across its surface, marking the cave for thousands of years — he thinks “I can’t wait till this can be done with a.i.”

The boys

You expect me to watch the Free Churro episode of Bojack Horseman while I am not on a rock steady emotional grounding? No. No will not.

No I understood your wavedashing reference but frankly I'm insulted that you would clock me as someone who knows what that is

I got the shoebody bop fever

I’ll tell you where I don’t want it…inside of my balls

They should invent a love that doesn't inevitably end in heartbreak

Inside of me are two wolves...

Sam Raimi’s THE EVIL DEAD premiered in Detroit, Michigan on this day in 1981 #filmsky

Antiwoke guy who wants to bring back Clippy but make him even more racist

What's this lil' scamp get up to when we ain't watchin'?

just thinking about the first time i met Dr. Goodall. I was at the Dallas Zoo and ran into her out of the blue. I told her I was a huge fan and I'll never forget her response: "I am not Jane Goodall. I'm not even a woman. Please stop shaking my hand." that's just how Jane was, incredibly humble.

You'll never catch me browsing this section of the store. I buy the 5 lb bags of pizza rolls (non-caffeinated) so everyone thinks I have a big ass family at home and they're HUNGRY.

In fifth grade, I learned what bile is from the novelization of the third episode of the X-files titled Squeeze wherein a genetic mutant murders people every 30 years to eat their livers by distorting his body to fit through impossibly small openings. So anyway, kids should read more.

It's too cyberearly to go to cyberwork. I'm cybertired. I'd rather be cyberlounging on my cybercouch with my cybercat.

Extra big-ass sad so it's time to rewatch Bojack Horseman because that will certainly help

Seraphim?! I barely knew him!

"That shit must've been laced with Tylenol, because I'm struggling to understand the social cue of giving a single fuck."

The ride never ends

attachment is the root of all suffering, so burn your own house down and poison your loved ones immediately.

I think I'm depressed lol

ravioli delusions

Sneeze halfway through a turd and you mousetrap that sumbitch like Louis xvi