there's so much bad in the world but there's also people who lift up and carry an elderly bat around every day so he can pretend he's flying again, and that's the part of the world I think is worth fighting for

I love the ads at the Arnold

Oh boy. I'm not doing well

Well, gas is expensive, and food is expensive, and we’re doing a war nobody wants, but at least there are no jobs

Born too stupid to be successful and too ugly to be a house-husband 😥

I did it. I applied to a new job. Maybe one day I'll escape the toxicity of my current one

if a man made up his mind to live, mere sickness could not kill him

Music is insane. What do you mean someone can make some noise then I get sad? That's sci-fi shit.

If the carwash makes you horny, what does that say about you?

"You microwaved a fish in my heart" Is this anything?

Literally all I want to do is go to the climbing gym then go home and play Barony

grease the bottom

Hey ladies, I put my hand on the passenger headrest while I'm reversing. Wanna get married?

Today I took myself out on a little sushi. Got a nigiri sampler and some hot sake. I deserve it. Am I healed? No. Am I healing? Maybe.

We will not speak of all Queequeg's peculiarities here

When you turn 35, it should become illegal to listen to music that you listened to in your early 20s. This is poison.

It should be illegal to have a headache on your day off

I need to take a massive amount of hallucinogenics

Loot that drops after defeating me: Blood (common) Shit (common) Money (uncommon) The rock I swallowed that one time on the playground when I was 7 (rare)

Is gloving just hooping for lazier people?

Consciousness was a mistake. We should go back to being bugs

*Always tired* *Low appetite* *Consistently feels worthless* *Little to no interest in things I used to love*

For Sci-Fi Cutaway Saturday: This 1969 Davis Meltzer illustration includes a pool and a ping-pong table on the moon.

Gotta wake up every day and jerk off into the wind

I think the Internet has proven that a person's entire life is determined by what they were doing the first time they got horny

It's what it's.

When am I going to get paid for my whimsy? Why don't I get a check after a long day of skipping through a glen? Where are my medical benefits after making flower crowns for the local field mice? It's almost like y'all think ordering my food in a bad cockney accent has no value.

What if we kissed on the $7000 gorilla throne?

Point groups? I'll point them out the door.

Sincerity is hot

TEN......THOUSAND DOLLAR RAM TEN......MIL DINERO RAM~!! - THE PRICEMASTER HAS SPOKEN -

I'm taking some time off dating for a while. Which means my body is going to be like Prairie Chapel Ranch because I'm going Full Bush 😎👉👉

It's okay to hold two beliefs that contradict one another. Not every human experience needs to be completely logically consistent. It's okay to just be.

The bread I bought has slices that are too big. It makes overwhelming toast. This is a total disaster.

I'm a goon for VHS

all at once a queer accident happened

My favorite thing about cooking fish is that you can't burn it due to their aquatic origin

Is it inappropriate to follow people on insta who negged you on a dating app?

Just learned I'm older than Leslie Knope is in the first season of Parks and Rec. If you need me, I'll be swallowing glass.

I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me

At work, you might be able to have your phone volume up or stink like BO, but you should never do both.

in the real world not nearly enough buckaroos goin around looking at clues with a magnifying glass

if elected president i promise to be just as corrupt as our current leadership, perhaps even moreso. but I will also reinvest the entire defense and policing budgets into creating what i call The Health Cigarette

Is vague-posting still a thing? If not, it should be. Everyone should be able to muse uselessly into the void.

Lol who even gives a fuck

I still kiss my wife on the lips when she's sick because I hope that shit will kill me.

Absolutely no one outside of Scotland can name more than one Loch and I will die on that beinn

I need one of these for my sinuses