Tell me fascism make you horny without telling me.

Forget this plane, America needs a de-icing.

"Yeah, the plane is coming from CLT, so, of course, it took forever."

Each of these lobotomy case studies is going to lose their shit when their knock-off carry on gets gate checked. Airlines must bake this shit into projected arrival times, right? Paging @typevolant.com to the boarding area.

Runways always clear boys!!

Young ladies, you'd do well to abandon Kardashian Khik at the airport. You're practically demanding no respect and your server are heeding the call.

Not how I was told to make "hot lunch" that one time.

[drug commercial voice] Talk to your doctor about camel toe.

Currently resisting the urge to document legging crimes at brunch.

New York City Iced Coffee Gay™️ bitching: it's not brunch if the only lunch part is a burger with a fucking egg on it.

No one around here knows how to walk in this stuff except me and my lesbian shitkickers.

So... like... what is the deal with tourists in New York City wearing furs?? They all hail from corners of the nation that are not northeast. I need answers before I manufacture my own.

"I had that nightmare again where I'm awake."

Post your home river. Androscoggin River Maine.

Me, too, traffic cone. Me, too.

Sweet baby Jesus, sweet baby corn...may the hotel staff party be over so I may return to the room for which I paid... And enjoy a modicum of peace.

What else is in the teaches of peaches? Huh? What?

Mood when I get back to work next Tuesday: 🎶I'm spitting in a wishing well... Blown to hell...Crash! I'm the last splash.🎶

You're a cocktail bar in Williamsburg and you call yourself "Mommy's"...thanks for the red flag, I guess.

A watched pot never boils because you're too senile to remember to turn on the burner. Jesus, Nana.

MTV died because they couldn't find quality music videos like this one anymore.

Like 6 or 7 years ago, some person (probably a Humans of New York type) wanted my photo and story. I was in my suit, 10 minutes from needing to go up the elevator to my meeting, sucking down an iced coffee and a smoke. I said: Can't. I'm in the Bitches Protection Program.

If you see this post an archer

Our cuisine is absolutely unique! That’s because the things we pull from the river are not yet known to science.

This is the bat signal for my ride-or-die crew.

So, back in the 90's, when cigarettes were healthy, we didn't worry about geopolitics so much. Where did we go wrong?

🎶When I grow up, I'll be stable🎶

favorite sweatshirt slogan of the moment: “it’s too nonfictiony outside”

This song has aged well. 🎶 Green Day - American Idiot 🎶 www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ee_u...

So when can you start

Waiting on the Dildo of Consequence like...

I remember 2001. My ROTC boyfriend and I graduated from Boston University. He had to serve, which I accepted. Days after 9/11, his Mom called me. He had shipped out. Where?! We did not know. 4 months later, he was dead. And now, this fucken SHIT?!?!

"I don't know why you care so much about it [Venezuela]" Yeah, no dick for you.

It's an old and obvious pattern. An unpopular president - failing on the economy and losing his grip on power at home - decides to launch a war for regime change abroad. The American people don’t want to “run” a foreign country while our leaders fail to improve life in this one.

And I'm looking for somebody to do my thinking for me 'Til I come through...

There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood leads on to fortune; Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat, and we must take the current when it serves, Or lose our ventures.

Well, the Radio Star came back from the dead and killed video

Driving in Ithaca is truly a game of Russian Roulette. When there's a Tesla involved, the game variation follows: all but one chamber is loaded.

LIFE GOALS!!

Overheard last night: So, I'm on Amazon searching for prison safe porn for my son...

Metal roofing is available in a variety of colors. So far, we have 2 reds, 2 blues and 1 green in the neighborhood. Ours is blue.

I'm so over work for 2025, I'm literally staring out the windows at the Amish on my neighbor's roof wondering: what color did they pick??

Today's earworm: San Cisco - RUN

Quietly rooting against the local team this afternoon so our area wildlife can calm the fuck down.

Fuck Marie Callendar. You know how to boil water, bitch. So, for the hussy who knows, we're introducing Marie Colander.

SO WISE

This is the calling card of someone who has spent too much time in the Datalounge.

Reminds me of the MichFest forums with discussion of the Moon Huts and "bleeding on The Land"