I shed my Maine native descriptor when they did away with the lobstah plate. #iykyk

EV's should have an equivalent to rolling coal, like shooting a ball of electricity out.

I just saw a "Florida Poly" backpack on the L and said "What's that? A trailer home gang bang?"

The lobby whiplash this morning was astounding. I overheard one guy recounting the number loads he took last night. 5 steps later: Mommy, can we get doughnuts.

Staying in a hotel with a lot of the IML attendees has been entertaining.

Every once in awhile, when I spahk a ciggie, I get a nod from someone who still remembahs the old ways.

The Chicago L math required to go beyond Wrigleyville is something else when you don't live here.

I meet up with my ride-or-die crew tonight. Thoughts. Prayers Bitches, that ain't enough.

I'm in Chicago feeling some serious jet lag. The Streeterville Tavern might have just put me to bed.

Bulgaria won on tits. This is my Eurovision commentary.

Setting Cognac on fire is quite cathartic.

Bitterballen. Swedish meatballs. English shortbread cookies. Chorizo jalapeño poppers. It's Eurovision in Ithaca.

" I want total sensory deprivation and backup drugs, alright."

ménage a horn* dogs

In the time of chimpanzees, I was a hussy.

Do any of these people who want the passport with his image on it understand they're declaring that they're assholes upon entering a foreign country. No. Obviously no.

💯

Instagram Reels are mostly trash, but they did just introduce me to the term "large mouthed vaginas" and the gay giggles that followed...hooo...need to catch my breath and figure out how to use that one.

Fart or food baby? At my age it's best to be prepared for either.

Doctors say that fluoride helps build strong teeth. A guy who snorts cocaine off toilet seats and takes raccoon penises home for “further study” says it causes autism. For busy parents, it can be hard to know who to trust.

Is Mother Nature an entity that spans the universe and all planets or is she Earth specific? If no, does that mean each planet could have a different ruling nature personification? A Father Nature? A Sister Nature? Nonbinary Family Figure Nature? Drunk Aunt at the Wedding Nature?

So, we all know Doctor Doolittle had animal friends. What kinda friends did Doctor Doolots have?

Maybe the song wouldn't have been as catchy, but I'd strap shoes on my feet before I rise into the street and finally light me up that cigarette.

Happy mother's day

This is me in a week.

It's involuntary: I hear late 90's or early aughts club music, and my body starts moving. Even in Wegmans.

How far into rainy day chores does wine become acceptable?

So, I keep watching the last episode of Picard season 3...because I want us to be rescued just like that.

🎶Ask Butter how I zone: man, Cleopatra Jones🎶

Afternoon cold brew hits different.

Silly doggy, tricks are for hos.

If a woman puts patchouli on her puss, is that a "carpet bombing"?

I just asked a friend: is the fuse on Jane's tampon still operational? Her: what?! Me: I'm about to go where no man has gone before, aside from her gay fiancé...with a lighter.

I guess I'm not the only victim of this phenomenon.

I'm on board!

I launched a series of books aimed at teenagers last week. Managed to hit three of the little shits.

him: you ok? me, sitting in an empty bathtub eating cool whip: yep

U-238. Go ahead. Cancel me.

I walk into happy hour and the assembled are reviewing local gas station food. When I say I desperately want to move back to a city, I mean...

Some say she's from Mars. Or one of the seven stars that shine after 3:30 in the morning. Well, SHE ISN'T!

Making Chicken Doria for the first time tonight.

Where is that Dildo of Consequences, already?! I checked my nightstand and all that's in there is big blue, titty clamps and a terrifying thing he bought at the Pleasure Chest that I said I never want near me.

The current dog can't stand the rain, which is a win for us. Quick walkies and business immediately sorted. His predecessor was a McNab Collie. She would go out in a hurricane for an hour and give not one fuck.

Nope poop bags required. This is proper disposal from the squat.

That's one accounted for.

Is this thing broken or is everybody sleeping?

"Did Spooner boof a cargo container of ozempic?" Is the kinda question someone might ask.

I do this at my own peril far too often. Half way through the the ginormous 2nd cold brew, I spontaneously launch from the conference room to the moon.

I think most people would prefer this. #Science