Old people love telling you what’s on the buffet as you’re walking up to it. Gives them a little thrill. Makes them feel alive.

He’s pumped!

“Knicks-Hawks courtside at the Garden with a Filipina. James Dolan got me on the infrared NSA cameras.”

Classic psycho posts will follow you everywhere

Listening to my daughter’s plans for us tomorrow after being pushed around Disney in a stroller for four days

LFG!

“Raising Wolves, Not Sheep” tank top Disney dad, gonna need to see those wolves’ GPA’s stat brother.

Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge transports park visitors to a remote outpost on the planet Batuu where they can battle the Empire, dine with droids, and witness a heavily tattooed British guy in a crossbody bag get blackout drunk at 10:30 am

Every person at any crowded breakfast buffet is 15 seconds away from catching a murder charge.

Every on-ride photo at Disney

The vice president and I are returning from our diplomatic mission to Pandora. We were unable to secure a peace deal with the Na’vi after the VP deeply freaked them out with some weird Catholic shit.

Griswold Mode engaged

The USPS loves to text you from an overseas number with a pic of an urgent message that you missed a package and a link for how to retrieve it.

Was telling a younger coworker today my anxieties about going to Disney next week and he told me my crash out is valid. Thank you, Cameron. It is valid.

Smoking on that pack that got me feeling like the Albanian Eric Adams

I love working as an advisor at the White House. I love looking like Large Marge every time the President or his immediate family says something publicly.

The only way to know if the Strait of Hormuz is open or closed is to just show up and do Leroy Jenkins in an LR1 tanker carrying 500,000 barrels of crude oil.

I hate when I’m trying to go up hard in the paint and a 21 year old Spanish guy built like Slenderman easily rejects it back into my face.

If Michigan wins tonight I’ll win a thousand bucks. If they lose I will do Dog Day Afternoon on a local gelato shop.

Experiencing a “cardiac event” is a huge part of being Catholic

“You gotta admit he’s funny” in 2026. You should be on a dog leash at all times for supervisory purposes

Would be a great day to get some “Really Big News”

Kids love abandoning their scooter in front of the house then silently hiding behind the porch chairs while you scream their name and lose your mind trying to find them. And I love it too!!

[at a sold out arena comedy show] I could do that.

Locking in on a sixty three minute YouTube video on Lightning Lanes strategy by a guy called Ear Scouts

I have passed away due to Challenger Trauma

Look at my lawyer dog I’m going to super rehab

A powerful message to our NATO “allies.”

Holy fuck

At least they also caused a messy, totally avoidable fight with the widow of a beloved broadcaster right before the season started.

Sure but I promise you that the people traveling to Punta Cana through Houston for spring break do not care about Article I.

Was just saying this to my wife. Marketing cigs to kids again!

[grating influencer voice] Come with me to Kuuba jowhar in Jowhar, Somalia

The games baby love the games.

“Loyer sprays it.” No thank you.

Donald Trump has made daily life worse in pretty much every way for everybody except like four people.

The March Madness studio show loves making the guys do weird indignities

Grill getting warm, beers are cold and the games are good

Always trust Catholics

The games

There’s this widely held belief that Duke gets more favorable whistles than other teams, particularly in March. And they do!

I would simply choose another nickname

I’m pretty confident they can find someone else that gets fried in the passing game and karate kicks guys when he’s playing punt coverage in the draft.

Legitimately wondering if NFL GMs actually watch football.

HOLY SHIT

Where are overly trusting senior citizens supposed to get their predatory reverse mortgages and doomsday prep kits from now?

Nice. I’m watching the games in crystal clear 8K on an 85 inch screen.