Safe to assume all this stupid bullshit is just a prediction market rug pull

Transylvania's 1874 Olympic basketball team was stacked 🔥🔥🔥 - frightened villager - frightened villager - Count Dracula - frightened villager - Dracula's tallest wife

Fucking finally

Now that’s what I’m talking about

Hungover parent trying to not look too interested in that untouched pepperoni pie at the end of year softball pizza party.

I am at a “third space”

Today’s my Friday.

TAke a look, y’all:

Whoa McAfee converts to Islam live on air.

Every news story from Northern Virginia is either about two next door neighbors engaged in a protracted blood feud over a home construction dispute or stuff like this.

Just enjoyed a tomato Berliner conditioned on cucumbers, dill and a bunch of sea salt. You better believe we’re drinking that bullshit all summer.

RFK Jr: Children who are circumcised early have double the rate of autism Trump: I've studied this a long time

We had a nice time throwing a football around in the pool yesterday :)

This is who you send your horse to when it snaps its leg

I have successfully eradicated the invasive blue catfish from the Chesapeake Bay watershed.

Sometimes when I bail on minor social engagements I’ll stay off social media for fear of the people I flaked on seeing me posting.

What posting through it after losing a Republican Congress looks like

Finally, a reason to hate a New York Giants starting quarterback.

I will be attending Don Jr and Bettina’s fabulous wedding in Mr. Trump’s stead. Thank you.

Idiot!

Wife loves her new tennis coach. Great!!!!!

Bellying up to the bar is goated

Sick of all the Cletus safaris. ENOUGH!

Becoming one of those jeans and dress shoes on an 80 degree day dads.

Don’t care for your tone

It’s extremely funny for a guy who starred in a show where Greece looks like your friend’s backyard to say this

Ultimately Daryl Morey’s sparkling personality wasn’t enough to save his job

Josh Harris you got an appointment with The Contraption brotha

Last year 83 of the 100 highest rated tv programs were NFL games.

Son went 4/4 and drove in a big run this morning and I’ve been grinning all day. It’s fine to live vicariously through your kids. Especially in sports.

Wife rapid fire texting me asking random people’s names from softball practice that she’s talking to. What’s the assistant coach’s wife’s name? What’s their son’s name? Who’s the girl from last week that got hit with the line drive? Lady you might as well be speaking Latin to me.

If I was him I would try to act all cool about it, "that was just part of the lesson, you all passed."

May is Skin Cancer Awareness Month.

*Montell Jordan voice* 🎵 Plan-ter fas-ci-it-is 🎵

I’ve also been found not guilty of strangling my private chef.

Sending out a jokey text response trial balloon to a potential new dad friend is one of the riskiest things you can do.

New York. Where Donald Trump is from btw.

I hope I’m described as “fabulous” in someone’s soft opening obituary post for me.

It sucks obviously but I don’t think it’s been uniquely bad relative to what he’s done to other cities. Mostly it’s annoying shit to look at (DCNG wandering around doing nothing, putting his name on everything, Charlie Kirk banner at Department of Ed, etc)

Damn that sucks. Joel Embiid dropped 34 last night.

lmao

So much of parenting is just buying new batting gloves every three weeks.

Man what on earth

“I did such smart evolving, I bet they’re going to call me something smart like Tiny Genius Frog”

Alright this one is allowed

Russell Wilson isn’t going into broadcasting. He’s doing “The Russell Wilson Show,” a sitcom about a former NFL player, husband and dad adjusting to life after retirement. It will be funny and, at times, touching. Four episodes.

🚨 🚨 🚨Emergency marriage summit

No worries!