How can you REPUBLICAN if you never PUBLICAN-ED in the first place?

God, going through the golden bowls of incense, which are the prayers of the saints: Wait it’s another AI-generated prayer, toss it!

Reporter: In a break from tradition, Waddle was pardoned only after gifting Trump some gold bars and a large investment in Trump-branded cryptocurrency. However Gobble was executed after failing to come up with anything of value to the President.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. They can also repel pharmacists if you throw them hard enough. But you're going to need a pineapple or a durian if you want to take down a dentist.

When pressed for details on what exactly the “principles” of DOGE are, a Trump administration spokesperson replied “Uh… racism? Oh and rich people, we like rich people”.

A now- infamous review, hysterical and worth a cheer up read

New for Christmas - Nazi Barbie now comes with her own Nazi Barbiemobile

My loneliness is killin' me I must confess, I still believe (Still believe) When I'm not with you, I lose my mind Give me a sign Hit me, baby, one more time

Did Mamdani give him a makeover?

I’m pretty sure all this happened because Mamdani brought Trump a Big Mac

Hal hadn’t survived three Thanksgivings by being stupid.

This is the chair your boss gets you when they want you to sit down, but not for very long

Tom Cotton: The women we threw in the lake all drowned, so that proves they must have been witches

Great, I’m moving next door to a soup-n-salad restaurant

It’s a jail, it’s a morgue, it’s a jmailorgue

Department of Labor, not producing an unemployment report: “Stats are down but he played great”

I got my followers the old fashioned way (replying to every spambot on the internet)

If I broke a vase I might say “I made a huge mistake and I’ll do my best that this doesn’t happen again”. I don’t think that quite covers murdering and dismembering a journalist.

Me looking over the bank statement: WHO HIRED THE HITMAN?

mr president sir theres a story coming about how you intervened to help a sex criminal. no sir, not that sex criminal you helped….no not that one either…sir, please stop guessing sex criminals that you helped. ill give you a hint sir, hes a trafficker. no sir, not that trafficker a different one

Hey look it’s that persecution of Christians we’ve always heard so much about from Republicans

Tonight on CBS it’s an all new episode of FBI. “Maggie and OA have infiltrated a gang of terrorists and they are just about to take them down when President Trumps orders them to drop all of that and arrest Bill Clinton.”

He smurfed. He smurfed smurfing. He smurfed being smurfed. He smurfed smurf itself.

don't associate me with Hitler! he only came as a guest of my friend, Mussolini!

I caught Zalmonella at Zaxby’s!

Dr. Pepper is now running commercials showing how the winners of the championship week Tuition Toss are thriving in life because of their winnings. i am producing a follow-up where the losers are like "yeah I lost by 2 points in the 2011 Pac-12 Tuition Toss and i'm still paying off my student loans"

The notes of Eli Drinkwitz’s therapist:

Post your favorite Star Trek character. Wrong answers only.

The farmer said he wants to “shear my sheep”, do you think that’s a ewephemism?

Cats love routines. As soon as I start getting ready for bed my Big Orange Boy jumps on the bed, rolls around, and purrs and purrs. Little OCD kings

Yep they’re buying houses with all those SNAP benefits

Economists say the entire makeup industry is being propped by Mar-a-Lago

We can only hope

Change a letter, make a singer less appealing: Tom Potty

I deny all the allegations in this lawsuit from the Duffer brothers over my TV show “Even Stranger Things”. Sure it’s about a girl with mysterious powers fighting supernatural monsters, but my show is set in Illinois, so it’s totally different!

Surprisingly they are all Mary Kate and Ashley movies

The fact that this, and every other Trump pardonee who has subsequently broken the law, has not ended Trump's political career, that it barely even registers on the national discourse, underlines just how far we are from a functioning democracy that values accountability.

You guys are right, the aurora borealis is amazing, I can’t believe I captured this with my iPhone!

Weird that we have a planet-wide magnetic defense system that self activates when the sun decides to attack but it is very pretty

“I definitely like to read books and I read lots of them all the time” he posts just in case someone accuses him of never reading books

A 50 year mortgage? You’ll pay it off in 2075? 2075 is not a real year, it’s a science fiction novel

3 years ago Elon enabled the funniest day in Twitter history.

If Joe Biden has said “Nobody knows what magnets are” they would have cancelled Monday Night Football, the stock market would have crashed, Jake Tapper would have spontaneously combusted live on-air, Taylor Swift & Travis Kelce would have broken up, and…

I’m not sure the best strategy to address the shortage of air traffic controllers is to berate them and dare them to quit

Lots of people comparing Senate Democrats to Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, but that analogy only works in a version where Lucy has told Charlie Brown she's going to pull it away, and also that afterwards she's going to have Snoopy executed in a foreign prison

Mamdani is going to impose Shakira Law. That’s the truth because hips don’t lie.

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like these types of plays. I know he never touched the ground but if he’s sitting on his butt, why doesn’t that mean his forward momentum has been stopped?