Just finished my screenplay about a little person serial killer on the loose in China: Little Trouble in Big China.

I just listed my house on Airbnb and I think people who rent it are going to love my very expansive collection of Victorian-era coffins.

As a cat burglar, my trademark is puking on a rug before making my escape.

So now we need to throw a hot dog and a taco at a cop to see if we can get legal precedent for the ‘what is a sandwich’ question

It took a hell of a lot of money and time to teach this hippo to drive a car, but seeing the look on this state trooper’s face makes it all worth it.

A group of mean people who all date each other is called a polycruel.

I had a big presentation at work this morning, but I forgot to wear pants. Luckily, everyone was so impressed with my new gold monocle they didn’t notice I was naked from the waist down.

The Grim Reaper needs an app that shows you when he’s en route and when you’re his next stop.

I still don’t understand why that lady kept her bell in a jar.

It turns out it was a mistake to try and wax my chest with melted Crayolas.

The celebrity I'm most often mistaken for is the dead body at the beginning of a Law & Order episode.

HR put stickers on all the company’s AEDs that read: “DO NOT USE ON PATRICK. NO MATTER WHAT!”

You’ll only have a few minutes before the cops arrive, but few things are more cathartic on a Wednesday morning than using a t-shirt cannon to shoot White Castles to the bears at the zoo.

This hospital won’t let me operate even though I completed a neurosurgery MasterClass.

I lost my job as a crime scene cleaner because I just shoved everything under the bed.

IT changed my password to dumb$hitbag! and won’t tell me how to change it.

If you want to test a mime's commitment to silence, light them on fire.

When asked a question during a meeting that I don't know the answer to, I pour an entire box of Hot Tamales into my mouth.

Down here at the morgue, all we can smell is mustard and onions.

My neighbor — a real smartass, wannabe tough-guy sort — says there’s nothing I can do about his rat-breeding business. But my new snake-breeding business may surprise him.

note to people: please do not stand at the counter in a coffee shop - you are blocking others from getting to their coffee!

One night at Studio 54, I witnessed a cocaine-fueled Jessica Tandy nearly beat Meryl Streep to death with a napkin dispenser.

I tried to sign up to be an organ donor, but they told me, “Nobody needs an organ that badly.”

This laundromat was empty when I got here, so I decided to take a bubble bath in the oversized sink, but three people just walked in.

My autobiography, That Hobo Got What Was Coming to Him, will be on the shelves this January!

For you ladies at home, I recommend the mailman over the milkman, if you’re considering your options. Except for Carl, he’s a good-for-nothing scoundrel

They won’t let you pay your library late fines with weed even if you promise it’s “primo shit.”

While looking as disheveled as possible, I like to run up the driveway at a garage sale and in a panicked voice, ask them if they have any body bags for sale.

One 80s childhood memory you never forget is walking in on your mom having sex with Phil Collins.

I knew the people on the bus this morning would have even more of a weekend hangover than usual because of Halloween, but boy oh boy, my plan to make the ride more festive with my jazz xylophone did not go as I’d hoped.

Very surprised to learn that Henry Kissinger wrote Disco Inferno.