Hear me out, one of those crushable spy teeth but filled with Adderall instead of cyanide

It's Friday, Friday We don't touch Prod on Friday

Shout out to all the people working at grocery stores and Costco across the midwest. Real American Heroes

Tearful mourners held vigil today at the base of a towering Riyadh hotel where the fourteenth amendment was found face down and motionless in a rooftop infinity pool

And in the end The beats you take Are inversely proportional to the beats You make

Trying to live my life so that when I die it’s a “pour one out for a real one” scenario over a “rest in piss” situation

Liverpudlians, historical: Ahoy, sailor, do you need a helping hand?

I reckon they should also be vaping

Take me down, to the Raccoon City where the cans are full, and the streets are gritty

More training doesn’t even begin to touch the root problem of “armed gangs think they are unaccountable to anyone but themselves”

Cops: "Stop resisting. *BANG* Stop resisting. *BANG* I demand satisfaction. *BANG* Bad dog! *BANG* Stop resisting. *BANG*"

Winter is drying out my skin, and I'm super chappy. Some days I have many little shiny dots of neosporin and vaseline on my hands to keep up. It's a frankly detestable look. "This is the skin of a killer, Bella"

"what are we going to do with 20,000 ICE agents if we abolish ice" well to start with I think we should all literally spit on them in public for the rest of their lives

You and your wife drop your 6-year-old off at school. You just moved here. You see ICE terrorizing your new neighbors. You film them, as is your legal right. Your wife complies with orders. She is then shot in the head. You still have to pick up your child later today. This could be you.

It's National Cuddle Up Day! Each year on January 6th, National Cuddle Up Day encourages us to snuggle up with someone for the health benefits and more! #NationalCuddleUpDay

"Are musicians people?" The longest thread in the history of forums.

Senator Mark: "They have no right to make you do illegal stuff." Secretary Pete: "I will drop you off the Baltimore shot tower."

Calvinismball, where the rules don't matter because the winner has already been unconditionally elected

Had a dream last night where I invented a picture book called "Unexpected Item in Bagging Area". It was like Where's Waldo except you have to find a sleeping cat loaf.

wow, sorry. Deleting now. I didn’t know she was French

Perhaps I am dating myself with this reference, but I think it would be fun to be sworn into office in the catacombs of Morley Manor, on a copy of "Scotland Yard: The Methods and Organisation of the Metropolitan Police", as held in the clutches of the hideous and very real Wookalar.

Noon, breakfast... "I'm getting too old for this shit"

hheres the thing about AI. its for goobers

"You are not immune to propaganda" (This tried to autocorrect to propane, which is true, see also "propane accessories")

Cut to Idaho man in ten years, writing a tear-streaked letter to the state parole board titled "The Balls In Your Court"

Men only want one thing, and it's disgusting

New Outlook just showed up on my work computer

"The name conveys a connection with aging, as in 'geriatric'". Couldn't be me taking a tablet that roasts me right to my wrinkly face! Best answer is avoid 1971 entirely (everybody smoked indoors) and if you happen to be rich, get you one of those Bryan Johnson "blood boys" that are all the rage.

Ah, South Dakota, never passing up a chance to name drop, as one does (Guide to Pierre, the capital city and vicinity ; Sponsored by the Pierre Chamber of commerce and the city of Pierre / compiled by the Federal writers' project, WPA: State Pub. Co., 1937.)

[present day] "Aurora and Greta were right all along," I groan, as the oppressor's hypersonic, Anduril Inside™ fisticuffs trot up and down the ruins of our vanity

My 9 year old has lovingly hand-distressed this love seat from Bauhaus Furniture Group, LLC, creating what I am calling the customized "Veep Edition". No, I won't be taking questions, yes, it is for sale

Yes, only 20 cents!! 🤣 itch.io/s/119323/dem... Thank you all again! Happy Deving! ❤️🧡💛 #pixelart #ドット絵 #gamedev #indiedev

The so-called “two gender solution” is an unworkable fantasy

Another long Thanksgiving weekend nearly gone, and I haven't even started on my fan episode of The Office where Dwight uses the Sessha pronoun on himself in a bedroom scene with Angela

Nothing people at the party love more than the guy sushing everyone so we can listen to his phone

"Are you a driven Alpha male who's focused on the Kingdom, but still struggles with p-r-o?" "Duh, humans can't get parvo," I smugly declare as I click past the ad to Bikini Jiggles VIII #weekend

Lauren: "Great to see you, Mr. President, thank you so much for the invitation... Wow, what a cool room... Gee, there sure are a lot of tarps and drop cloths hung up in here..."

Which place do you suppose will be more haunted by lingering dread: the "Salt Pit" CIA torture prison at Bagram Air Base - or, the dog park at DC's Joint Base Anacostia-Bolling, now that Kristi Noem can just wander by to watch the sun set over the Potomac?

...

Here in Halloween Town, we say "The one whose entrails are useless for divining portents"

I would never get Botox. I need to be able to aggressively frown at Cybertrucks

Proposing a new Brad Paisley song about binder fitting: "And I'd like to check you for tits" c'mon, sing along, you all know the words

Subjects of conversation in the last ten minutes in the shop: - Rapture hats - Can computers be raptured because they carry the memories and sins of mortals - Are playstations computers - Peppa pig pregnancy - can we protect horses from rapture

Fire Kilmeade.

RFK Jr [squeezing out some anal gland secretions of Mustela erminea and vigorously rubbing them into his gums]: "You know what else is gay..."

My dad, son of a dairy farmer, went to Kansas City in the early 70s and since then has maintained that he's "seen it all". Saw what? Hobo vs locomotive? Dude get shanked? Dame with a weiner? What did you see, old man?? Tell me your secrets!

We should be honest abut how "we should just kill them, can we not please just KILL them" lurks barely under the surface of so much respectable discourse on the homeless.

“Chat, what up, today we’re interfering with an active crime scene”