Nothing people at the party love more than the guy sushing everyone so we can listen to his phone

"Are you a driven Alpha male who's focused on the Kingdom, but still struggles with p-r-o?" "Duh, humans can't get parvo," I smugly declare as I click past the ad to Bikini Jiggles VIII #weekend

Lauren: "Great to see you, Mr. President, thank you so much for the invitation... Wow, what a cool room... Gee, there sure are a lot of tarps and drop cloths hung up in here..."

Which place do you suppose will be more haunted by lingering dread: the "Salt Pit" CIA torture prison at Bagram Air Base - or, the dog park at DC's Joint Base Anacostia-Bolling, now that Kristi Noem can just wander by to watch the sun set over the Potomac?

...

Here in Halloween Town, we say "The one whose entrails are useless for divining portents"

I would never get Botox. I need to be able to aggressively frown at Cybertrucks

Proposing a new Brad Paisley song about binder fitting: "And I'd like to check you for tits" c'mon, sing along, you all know the words

Subjects of conversation in the last ten minutes in the shop: - Rapture hats - Can computers be raptured because they carry the memories and sins of mortals - Are playstations computers - Peppa pig pregnancy - can we protect horses from rapture

Fire Kilmeade.

RFK Jr [squeezing out some anal gland secretions of Mustela erminea and vigorously rubbing them into his gums]: "You know what else is gay..."

My dad, son of a dairy farmer, went to Kansas City in the early 70s and since then has maintained that he's "seen it all". Saw what? Hobo vs locomotive? Dude get shanked? Dame with a weiner? What did you see, old man?? Tell me your secrets!

We should be honest abut how "we should just kill them, can we not please just KILL them" lurks barely under the surface of so much respectable discourse on the homeless.

“Chat, what up, today we’re interfering with an active crime scene”

Oh, Betsy, darling, how frightfully gauche. Boo, Betsy, booooo

"Away put your crucifix! I mean you no harm." "I'm looking for a Jedi master." "OoooOOOh! Mmmmm heh heh heh. Legion, I am. Foul-mouthed behemoth, I am. Hurr hurr!" "Come on, R2, we're wasting our time."

lmfao www.inquirer.com/opinion/lett...

It's not sun-rise unless it's from the Dauphiné region of France; otherwise, it's just sparkling interplanetary dust (this is the best I've got for you today and I'm secretly fairly proud of it)

It's the stark augury of every w(eek!)end. May the pointers of the primate's paw curl always in your favor.

Wifey was plunged into crisis recently when one of her Superman-adjacent childhood crushes had to be canceled. Here's one of my crushes. Now this one started bad and stayed bad, no Fetterman-style flip flopping here. Learn from my example and choose the baddie to start, there's nowhere to go but up.

"Pactum cum Diabolo, a handy guide for the layman" "it takes one to know one" the jokes write themselves. 'The Ninth Gate' (1999) opens on our antagonist, Boris Balkan, delivering a similar lecture. The movie's climax is his self immolation. So, yeah.

it’s hard to overstate: -how beneficial vaccines are -how massively overwhelming the evidence is showing no link between vaccines and autism -how impossible it is that RFK will somehow “find the cause” (at all, let alone in his first year) -how much RFKjr want to get rid of childhood vaccines

Given how mindbogglingly vast wage theft is versus literally all forms of robbery and burglary combined, the entire system would crash to a fucking halt the instant people simply refused to work for free.

Who needs stuff like a "master’s in educational psychology" when we know we only exist to transfer wealth from our boss to our landlord?

Could a sick guy perform Smooth Criminal, though?

"Hastening" is in the KJV, but "skedaddling" is in my DNA 🤷‍♂️ (if it sucks, hit da bricks 🏃‍♂️)

This fall, as the kids go back to school, I've resolved to rediscover my passion for cinema. I'm an old man, and I don't even remember how my favorites go anymore.

"Slavery is NBD" ok... Pay per view idea, Dennis Prager (he gets to keep his yarmulke) locked in a room with Moses (he gets to keep his staff) ... for five minutes.

Details, lovely details! Details, at an installation, make me want to Scottie Pippen an arm over the velvet rope and... not steal, heavens no... grope? fondle? yuck... Ah! We shall say, "Examine".

Most times, just the ghost of a good book - like this wrecked ex libris - can shout your innermost truths, the ones that you don't dare even whisper to yourself

There was a time you could have shipped me and my Onkyo 400W 5.1-Ch. 3D Pass Through A/V Home Theater Receiver. After all, it was warm on cold nights. But now I have that in flesh and blood that remembers my birthday. Nice try, technology, but - You get nothing, you lose! Good day sir!!

Sometimes I think about the GI Joe cards which describe their MOSs and wonder, where are all the supply clerks, purser's mates, etc. Even elite Joes need their Joe payroll. Although if they need continuation of health insurance after a Joe layoff, I imagine they call it something other than COBRA 🤔

Once our battalion hits these mean streets, our day one objectives are: establish security; review the civilian waste contract with Oscar (we're transitioning to open air burn pits); and deport the Count. That guy gives me the creeps. 🧛‍♂️

One day there will be an Arby's comment that turns MTG into Joe Pesci re "now go home and get your f8ckin' shine box"

Apparently Royal Caribbean has a jukebox musical show on one of its ships set in World War II that features the song "Try Everything" from Zootopia and I have never been closer to booking a cruise, this is delightfully unhinged.

If white ppl have no culture, how come my kid can't stop talking about Homestuck

Really crazy, from the Most Transparent Administration in History™: The Department of Energy says it will throw out FOIA requests from as recently as less than a year ago unless the requester affirmatively emails them to say they still want the documents www.404media.co/trump-admini...

If deodorant was dangerous everybody would have armpit cancer y'all just dumb as rocks

To blave = To be loving all venereal equipment

A formation of crabs, advancing while clacking rhythmically: “When you're a Crab, you're a Crab all the way! from your first gentle grab, to your last molting day!” “Look sharp, fellas, this is Sharks turf.” “Not for long it ain't!”

exactamundo

i sure do love those 30 seconds after waking up when i haven’t yet remembered about The Things

Get rich enough to be the next Engels and support the next Marx and I'll personally be willing to give you a pass. A pass to the end of the line. You're still in line, though. You know what line.

We just finished reading The Brothers of Auschwitz, and my god, time for some cosy mid century nonsense mind bleach

In the near future we'll have a museum where you can look at a 3D Kristi Noem model, switch your VR headset to Shallow Hal mode, and see a Skeksis groaning "oh, oh... my pustules!"

If it took 8 days to build a massive concentration camp in Florida then it means they could build and house the homeless at any point but choose not to

I may have just bought the last pouch of American Spirit in this country that still comes with rolling papers. This jawn gotta be 8 years old. It has a texture and flavor that might be best described as 'pharaonic'