Me trying to figure out when/how to have a baby without having to cancel my Carnegie Hall solo debut:

"If she takes a gap year to backpack around Europe, will she have a baby on time (before all her eggs die)?" I love this!

My latest for @mcsweeneys.net www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wil...

"Sally wants to graduate from college, establish a career, marry an ideal partner, buy a home, and have a baby by age 27.5. If she takes a gap year to backpack around Europe, will she have a baby on time (before all her eggs die)?"

Their greatest strategy is to break pedophilia down into categories.

We Are Not Fascists, and If You Call Us Fascists, We Will Arrest You www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...

“The shooter had a leftist ideology.” You mean he wanted to end gun violence and affordable healthcare?

I love how Democrats supposedly want to take everyone’s guns, but somehow are still responsible for all gun violence.

Anyone else get a lotta new follows from bots?

I’d really love to live in a country where policy is not shaped by the paranoid fantasies of people who’ve never been to “the big city”.

To round out our hiatus week here is @elizabethcollins.bsky.social with some fall financial advice! thebelladonnacomedy.com/for-only-500...

My McSweeney’s piece, posted by Electric Literature.

This woman fights against censorship in Rutherford County Tennessee. She has fought the good fight in the Bible Belt against Christian Nationalists. Please consider giving to her fundraiser for a new location. www.gofundme.com/f/help-the-s...

"Friendship is not, in fact, forever. It lasts approximately nine to ten months when you’re an adult with elementary school-aged children. And our bell has rung; our time is up." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/our...

Oh man! This hits

My latest for @mcsweeneys.net - www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/our...

So the “crime” Trump is trying to clean up is people taking statues down five years ago?

Joe Biden: Mularky! Hunter Biden: Fuckin’ mother fuckin’ motherfuckers, fuckety, fuck fuck fuck

Meet Lindsay Schultz. The face of the book banning resistance in Smyrna, TN. If you’re a journalist I recommend doing a story on her or if you’re on a book tour consider stopping by. Her store is The Spine, which is very fitting.

“A strongly worded AND inspired letter.” By @elizabethcollins.bsky.social Full piece: thebelladonnacomedy.com/wuuuut-in-th...

Have you ever wondered what Jesus would think of the Big Beautiful Bill? Or at least the Apostle Paul? Read my latest humor piece: Wuuut in the Actual Fuuuuck? A Letter From the Apostle Paul to the Church of the United States of America 🇺🇸 for @belladonnacomedy.bsky.social Link in comments.

10 years ago we got the news! Marriage Equality was the law of the land. My gay dad and I immediately went to the Abbey for a drink.

I feel as though it’s odd to over characterize a generation as left or right. There have been assholes and naïfs throughout every generation.

Being from LA is being the asshole on national zoom chats when the topic of “weather” comes up. Oh, you’re having a heatwave? Oh, you’re frozen inside your home right now? Wow, sorry to hear about that.

I love how Biden was “old” but Donald Trump’s entire communication style is “grandparent that just got a new phone they do not know how to operate”.

Guys, they only hated war when Biden was president.

He will not be impeached. He will receive overwhelming support from Republicans. They will not say anything bad about a Republican president at war, it’s “unAmerican”.

I hope there will be a Texas reporter that does a deep dive comparison of ICE raids in Texas vs California. I’d find that VERY INTERESTING. Both have the same large immigrant populations, but one is less hypocritical about it.

It’s wild hearing the War of the Worlds story where people believed there was an alien invasion when they listened to a fictional radio show about aliens invading and thinking we wouldn’t be that dumb these days.

Media literacy tip: Just because you see 1,000 pictures of the same car on fire doesn’t mean 1000 cars are on fire.

No, henny.

Convinced Gen Z went for Trump because they didn’t grow up on Pee-Wee’s playhouse.

I’m less interested in the fact that Trump always chickens out and more interested in the fact that everything he does is found illegal.

There should be a film called “Woke Pope” and it’s just the story of Jesus.

“We celebrate all you do, for almost an entire day once per annum.” By @elizabethcollins.bsky.social Full piece: thebelladonnacomedy.com/happy-day-ho...

I don’t know, I guess I don’t want a large truck behind me called a “RAM”.

The conclave has begun. Time to pick the Top Christ Following Man!

The fact they keep framing the low birth rate issue as a “woman’s problem” is the reason there is a low birth rate.

Nominate him to be the next Secretary of Transportation

The only autistic person who doesn’t pay taxes is Elon Musk.

I plan on talking to my kids about Christianity, but like in the same way I plan on talking to them about fentanyl.

Anyone else have a four year old daughter that’s kind of like a cave woman?

My son turned 9 today. I said, “I can’t believe my a baby is nine.” He said, “DON’T YOU THINK IT’S ABOUT TIME I TURNED NINE?!”

Moral of the story: Do not be jealous of those girls trip photos ever again.

I NEVER want to hear another condescending speech from a Republican about money, business, or taxes ever again.

Kind of appropriate to show the Ratliffs realizing things will be changing the night before the stock market crash. #WhiteLotus

I guess there’ll never be a spa for the poors. Wow, Belinda. #WhiteLotus

Although my daughter was born in 2020, she has strong 80s 90s riot girl energy.

Some guy read my bio on Threads and said he wanted to write a movie about my life as if he was the first to think of this despite the fact I’ve been writing about my life for at least ten years. I emailed him to ask if he ever sold a screenplay before. He never wrote back and unfollowed me.

Usually for my son’s birthday I spend a lot of $ on a fancy cake. Yesterday I bought a cake at the grocery store and put some Roblox characters I bought from Etsy on top. All the kids “Wow!!!!!!!” Then they proceeded to barely eat it and just play with the Roblox characters.