if they're cold, you're cold. YOU'VE GOT TO TRY TO RESIST THE MENTAL LINK

all bathroom stalls should feature swinging saloon style double doors

i think it's really interesting when my dog sniffs a poop but doesn't mark on it. what was wrong with that one bud

keurigs always feel like they're really straining to shit out your coffee

the thing about autozone is like, they are right. it is in the zone

when they finally do a biopic on dj trump, they should start in media res as opposed to an origin story. he shouldn't have to "earn" the diaper for instance

the pen is mightier than the sword, but def not the pensword. pretty much nothing beats that one i guess

baby catchers mitt for sale super worn in

A man goes to a doctor, saying he is depressed. He feels like the world is harsh and cruel, and he feels all alone. The doctor replies, "The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him—that should cheer you up!" The man says "oh ok sounds cool"

not all heroes wear capes.. some have food allergies too :)

monk who does flips as penance

you ever watch a UFC fight & think “this wouldn’t even happen if they were all poly”

WHEN WE DECONSTRUCT GOOFUS' FLIMSY NARRATIVE PURPOSE, WE EXPOSE OUR OWN LACK OF PURPOSE

elon masc. is this anything

Time with a Boy Machine

im worried that my life is just one sad footnote in the extended Friends universe

the revised pro tiers for sex are out & it’s not looking good

beep beep! who got the keys to the jeep? "i'm not sure." i look up, tears in my eyes. "i-i don't know"

latke would be a wonderful name for a whelp or perhaps scamp

look, you can’t just “build" a bear

what is an egg? a miserable pile of secrets

hiking the appalachian trail .. thinking about leaving a trace later 😏

im the grin reaper :)

do you guys think this makes you more or less likely to get stabbed

‪sorry, milfs unionized‬

EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A VHS INTO THE SLOT. IT’S THE PHENOMENOLOGY OF SPIRIT AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I START DOING THE MOVES ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, HEGEL

if a chicken can be a pet an egg can be a pet

Portrait of the Artist as a Baby

It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday The unholy thing shambles in He’s too big for the chair sitting next to me And he makes an unbearable din Sing us a song, you’re the piano man Your skin is a wooden facade You’ve brass pedals for hands And your hair’s copper strands Give unbearable insult to god

everyone's always all cool at the party until it turns into a milk party. then it's "oh i don't drink milk like that" dude fuck you

my dad is so smug now that he's in the bible

an enemy of my enemy is my wife

THINGS YOU MAY LOSE WHEN YOU SOLVE THE LAMENT CONFIGURATION CHURCHY GUY IN PASTEL POLO: Foreskin CENOBITE STEVE HARVEY: (exaggerated shrug directly at camera) Gotta start somewhere!

Patient, sobbing: But Doctor, I AM Pagliacci! ChatGPT: Apologies. I didn't realise when recommending Pagliacci's epic show to cure your depression that you were the genius himself. I'm impressed! With regards to your initial question, I can recommend seeing the Great Clown Pagliacci.

the city that never sleeps is also the city that's technically always shitting

who's gonna fuck the earth when we're gone...

when i published The Dog with the Human Dick, it was considered “garbage.” now, it’s more poignant than ever

boys aren't even a problem if you take their magic amulet

the corn out here is relaxing as hell... and friendly :)

we slap the bags we think we deserve

So You've Decided to Self-Flagellate to the Beach Boys: A Beginner's Guide

*plays a solemn church bell... but in a rly friendly way* hey :)

you ever just do a back flip out of desperation

the Fucking fandom is a mess :/

Bring Yr Child to Justice Day

Hail Mary, full of grace! Cameron is going to reveal Na'vi pussy in the new Avatar. It looks like a fern frond. I chiseled off a bunch of plastic with a flathead screwdriver down in the Florida theme park on a statue but there was too much damage to make anything out. Can't wait for the new flick.

sure you've heard of horse dewormers, but what about their counterparts: horse wormers