Shake shake.

Neighbors not so impressed by my SodaStream©️ anymore. 😕

Harry Crews vintage mass market appreciation post. (Ballantine 1978)

In all of my nativity scenes I place a very small egg salad sandwich at the base of the manger in case the donkey gets hungry.

Don’t be caught without your pants this holiday season! ❤️@pantspants.bsky.social

Said hi to this seagull and it looked at me like it had no earthly idea who I was. Same thing happened with a bison two years ago. I’m starting to see a pattern here. 🤔

4. @trumpetcake.bsky.social's Travel Vlog

WHAT IF WILLY WONKA INVITE CALIFORNIA RAISINS TO CHOCOLATE FACTORY FOR FRIENDLY VISIT BUT IT IS A TRAP ?

Went through a lot of flatware last night. Probably be interviewed by the news later or something.

Hottest New Side Dishes: Mashed Starlight Toasted Oak Salad with primps Lil’ Huggin’ Buns Dance Hamper Crawl Sauce Waynes #HappyThanksgiving

Time to come clean. It’s been me the whole time.

PLACES I'VE THROWN ONE OF MY NOTORIOUS TANTRUMS: jelly camp mini golf windmill (inside) downwind of Nathaniel circus green room harp factory newseum

Sometimes I'll break into a cafeteria-style restaurant in the dead of night and just wander around with an empty tray playing "sad ghost."

Yup.

Ruff appreciation post.

I just post pictures of found feathers now.

new story up today on hobart pulp www.hobartpulp.com/web_features...

Well, I started a vlog. All 50 eps available now. linktr.ee/tedtravelstead

GOOD GOD HE FIGHTS A CHILD IN THE THIRD ONE?!

“I am willing to change all patterns of criticism,” I say to the cougar who has just looked up from the carcass he’s feeding from and noticed me on the path. “I love and approve of myself,” I exclaim, breaking into a panicked, loping jog as he leaps thirty feet in a flash, landing on my back. “I…”

The Tin Man from Oz is my cousin. His name happens to be Jeff.

Imagine if you were absentmindedly petting your cat and you looked over and it was not a cat at all but a very small man in a luxurious fur coat? Just like a tiny little dude curled up asleep next to you on your couch or whatever. I’d probably be all like “what in the Sam Hill?”

My lover and I were sharing a mango against the backdrop of the setting sun when my nephew Tallory burst in chasing his new ferret Cashew. Needless to say the vibe has shifted.

Imagine finding a 50-year-old foot in your bed. This morning I found two. 🫨

I will autograph your kite!

Learning “Nude beach?” in every language has become tiresome.

It takes over twice as many muscles to not tap dance

MESSAGES ON CAKES I'VE HAD DELIVERED TO STRANGERS: Define "sojourn." Please let this be Terry. WOLF IN CAKE. Don't forget to stop and smell

HOT TAKE: Me stealing your fire pit.

“The chorus of Seal’s ‘Kiss from a Rose’ trumpets from thin air every time I use a colander so yeah, pasta’s off the table tonight.” - Me on my first night as White House chef

No one ever taught me to use a towel. I had to teach myself. #proud

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a two-hundred pound sack of discarded rollerblades.

“So it’s a pig that lives beneath the earth’s surface?” Me: “Not even close. Look, do you want these Reese’s Pieces or not?” -Excerpt from the six hours I spent trying to explain a groundhog to an alien.

Be funny to name your kid “Dad.”

SIMPLE TRICK YOU CAN DO AT HOME: Peel a hardboiled egg. Blindfold grandmother. Place egg in her palm. Tell her it's your newborn, Geoffrey.

I threw a hard boiled egg from the salad bar at a man who made a pointed comment about my hernia truss. I regret it now. Was tired at the time, weak. All I can do is move forward and learn from this.

Painting with John Friday June 2nd

Been saying this for years. Asshole.

I trained a bear to use an elevator to trick my friend Avery into believing I was a shapeshifter.

Every time I get dressed I make sure I take a second to ask myself, "How will this look stepping out of a time machine?"

A little more about me: I’m a turtle named Scallion who spends most of his time in a box of old T-shirts. My owner Lance thinks I escaped years ago. I survive on moths and the occasional stray vegetarian meatball. I like cats!

Hi!