30 years of working for Liverpool City Council on and off and the deed is done - going over to Sefton. Whether that's the dark side or not, remains to be seen. Doubt it!

It was inevitable, wasn't it🙄 Of course the Telegraph would run with something like this👇 So let's remove some of the rose-tinted spectacles and also look at some of that data comparing 1976 with modern heat waves Because the 1976 nostalgia porn is wearing a bit thin at this stage 🧵1/23

What a week I'm having. Living on my own for the first time in years, fell and grazed my knee, sliced my finger open and I've just twatted myself on the forehead with the car door 👍🏻

Look who has finally learned what happens when you lie and back stab your way to the top. Nothing you ever do in office, no matter how good for the country, can ever cover for a total lack of integrity. Karma for Starmer.

The only football allowed in this house for the duration.

Michelle makes healthy food taste better by making it unhealthy, episode 1: 0% Greek yogurt, a MASSIVE tablespoon of chocolate spread, raspberries and a crumbled up Bueno. Looks like actual shit, tastes naughty 🤌🏻

Might have to suspend my boycott of the world cup for Scotland games 👀

Hair is getting frizzier by the second. Might give myself a number one all over.

Please, please start putting iced buns on lampposts

Had a brisket roast in Ma Boyle's and now I need to sleep till Wednesday.

Having a goth summer day today. Dressed head to toe in black, which, when you're as pale as I am, makes for an interesting aesthetic. #Daywalker

They never fail to make me smile, even when skies are grey.

Every. Godforsaken. Day.

Give it time, it's only May.

If you've got a moment and you want a really good belly laugh, 👇. As parents (looking at you @daerickgross.com) we can all relate!

Solidarity is where it’s at. ✊🏽🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

"The moral of the story is we're here on Earth to fart around." - Well said.

Mandalorian and Grogu time! My pick'n'mix game is strong today. No false teeth though.

He fucks America off to play golf on the regular though 👍🏻

Getting my eyebrows done tomorrow. Mainly because I'm going on holiday and I can't be arsed filling in the baldy bits. It's a new experience for me. Slightly worried.

I only eat British food. Hula Hoops and a B&H for breakfast. A pint of Madri and a chunk of cheddar for lunch. And then I get shitfaced for tea. My dad died in the War. And he didn’t die so that i could be born 27 years later just to let anyone use our Great British Toilets. God save the King.

Introduce yourself with 10 acts (I'm going with acts) you've seen live: Prince George Michael New Order Aswad Basement Jaxx The Killers Robbie Williams David Grey Kaiser Chiefs Gladys Knight and the Pips

Got one nerve today and already, several people are on it.

I don't know if I'm disappointed that the new Running Man isn't as camp as the Arnie version. Closer to the book, but no lycra 🤷🏻‍♀️

LOOK AT HIS FACE 😍

I pulled a 12 hour shift today. Is it too much to ask for people to shut the fuck up for half an hour? Apparently so.

I am feeling my gigs today though.

I love Eurovision, but I just can't watch it while Israel are still allowed to participate. Yeah, you just prance around in your sparkly spandex and sing while your country commits horrific atrocities and the world turns a blind eye.

Whatever you do in life, you will never reach the status this guy has reached with his guinea pig mates.

Watching Apex on Netflix. He'd have been able to make so much jerky out of me, after chasing me for approximately 3 seconds.

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 Outstanding by the good people of Inverclyde 👏

Anyone called David gets into Knowsley Safari Park for free tomorrow. Should've left my moustache alone and tried my luck.

Carbonara from scratch 🤌🏻 Buon appetito to me.

Perfect Monday evening activity. There can be only one ⚔️

I'm working in a Build-a-Bear sweat shop today. Working for a 7 year old mistress. The pay is shit, but the job satisfaction is priceless.

Morning! Wholesome little Star Wars joke to brighten up your Sunday.

I'm watching Should I Marry a Murderer? And I have questions.

10 days of sweet FA. Bliss.

River dance was performed for the first time 32 years ago today. Saw it in Dublin's Gaiety Theatre in 2008 and it was one of the best things I've ever seen. youtu.be/w0v_pu6miJ8?...

The calibre of complaint emails has improved significantly with the rise of AI. Like an Instagram filter for illiterate cranks. It's OK, I know you're still thick as mince.

Just what a girl wants - sharing your post-cunnilingus scientific analysis with millions 🏆

I have a big, juicy rib-eye for tea. Mainly because I have the house to myself and I'm not paying 15 quid a pop for any other fucker.

I'm fed up. I need a man in grey trackies to look pretty and bring me chocolate. No verbal or physical interaction, just shut up and throw chunks of Galaxy at me.

Post you in another country.

This Michael Jackson documentary is off its head.

Pleasant bus journey this morning. Not overcrowded and smelt like Lynx Africa instead of weed and unwashed bodies. 8/10

Every friggin year.

I'm watching Uncle Buck. Fun fact: I once microwaved my brother's socks because of this film. I was trying to dry them, but that only works if they're not novelty, musical socks. Novelty, musical socks, as it turns out, are basically explosives in certain situations.

How it started and how it finished. Storm Dave has done a number on my hair.

70s all day disco. Currently in the beer garden before my flush reaches peak Vesuvius.