I'm watching Should I Marry a Murderer? And I have questions.

10 days of sweet FA. Bliss.

River dance was performed for the first time 32 years ago today. Saw it in Dublin's Gaiety Theatre in 2008 and it was one of the best things I've ever seen. youtu.be/w0v_pu6miJ8?...

The calibre of complaint emails has improved significantly with the rise of AI. Like an Instagram filter for illiterate cranks. It's OK, I know you're still thick as mince.

Just what a girl wants - sharing your post-cunnilingus scientific analysis with millions 🏆

I have a big, juicy rib-eye for tea. Mainly because I have the house to myself and I'm not paying 15 quid a pop for any other fucker.

I'm fed up. I need a man in grey trackies to look pretty and bring me chocolate. No verbal or physical interaction, just shut up and throw chunks of Galaxy at me.

Post you in another country.

This Michael Jackson documentary is off its head.

Pleasant bus journey this morning. Not overcrowded and smelt like Lynx Africa instead of weed and unwashed bodies. 8/10

Every friggin year.

I'm watching Uncle Buck. Fun fact: I once microwaved my brother's socks because of this film. I was trying to dry them, but that only works if they're not novelty, musical socks. Novelty, musical socks, as it turns out, are basically explosives in certain situations.

How it started and how it finished. Storm Dave has done a number on my hair.

70s all day disco. Currently in the beer garden before my flush reaches peak Vesuvius.

Gonna watch The Green Mile, because life isn't distressing enough.

Tell you what, I don't care how many Michelin stars a restaurant has, there's no fish like a chippy fish with curry sauce.

My grandma's egg chicken and butter dish. Ugly as anything, but I just can't bring myself to get rid.

Happy birthday Tony Benn. Forever on the right side of history.

No work for 11 whole days. Get the fuck in 💪🏻

I've decided that my new ambition is to manage a premiership football club, get sacked as quickly as possible and never work again.

All I want is a cottage in the Scottish Highlands, a raging thunderstorm, an Agatha Christie novel, a crackling fire, a kettle on the stove, an owl keeping watch, and a basket of emotional support scones.

I am so very ill. Somebody bring me some stodge.

I hate summer. Shopping for holiday clothes, everything is in pastel colours, the hats are too small for my Megamind head and sunglasses all sit wonky on my face. Fuming.

Oh aye? Well if you want some, I find it highly logical that you come here and fucking get some, pal

Tonight's choice is: a) go for a walk and have glazed salmon and salad for tea. b) eat an entire Easter egg in my pyjamas and watch How to Get to Heaven from Belfast.

Got asked out at a funeral, lads. Still got it 😉 And before you say anything, he had all of his own teeth, no cataracts and was under the age of 50.

My mum has kindly knitted me a tank top. I have to wear it, don't I?

Mo Salah is leaving LFC, did you know?

Ate the worm out of a tequila bottle in there. One of many questionable decisions fueled by that devil juice.

Give that man an award 🤣

Thanks to the gentle breeze in town today, my hair looks like I've been dipped, head first, in a candy floss machine.

Tuesday is bus wanker day and it's pissing down. I'm also on a diet. FML.

UKIP sent packing from Liverpool again. No idea why they bother coming here. My city 💙

Dick Mabutt 🤣🤣🤣

Croxteth instead of Stanley Park tonight because I didn't want the view to include whatever the collective noun for a group of bellends is. Lovely.

Lá Fhéile Pádraig sona 🇮🇪☘️

Little throwback to when a child drew this in one of my lessons. If anyone guesses what it is, I'll show my arse at Pier Head.

Currently being gaslit into thinking pot noodle butties aren't a thing. Someone back me up.

Watched I Swear last night. Started crying ten minutes in and didn't really stop for the rest of the film, even when I was laughing. Treat yourself to this, it's an incredible film.

I am a bus wanker. They smell better than they used to.

Lovely walk through Stanley Park today. Spring has definitely sprung.

Be loud, be weird and never dilute or shrink yourself for others. Happy #InternationalWomensDay

there's so much bad in the world but there's also people who lift up and carry an elderly bat around every day so he can pretend he's flying again, and that's the part of the world I think is worth fighting for

Oh baby, come to mama.

Watching Tobey Maguire's Spiderman with hair dye and a shower cap on, if you were wondering where all the sexy went.

I miss making a tit of myself on World Book Day. Once had to split up a fight dressed as Tigger.

At an ex-pupil's 18th birthday party, no less. Good times.

A thread.

Had one of these situations at The Orchid Garden. Tight cow tried to take the tip off her own bill. Not on my watch, Missy.

Current mood: sitting in the wardrobe in the hope that a way into Narnia materialises. Enough of this 'working for a living' bullshit.