If someone gave me $500 for a date night with my wife I would… Make ramen and pay the electricity bill.

I only cook fusilli so I can tell people I’m feeling “fu-silly”.

How rainy has it been this month? They closed the football (soccer) pitches for 4 days proactively due to water buildup. 4 days. Football pitches. Can you even play dry?

Fellow unemployed people…I’m still newish to this…but… How many times a day is it ok to cry?

Some days I’m convinced I can do a standing front flip… Then I remember that I’ve never been able to do that and I’m 40 and I hurt my back sneezing the other day.

New theory: Pope is a Trill symbiant that has been hosted in humans for several centuries. Got bored and created a religion to fuck with us. #startrek #pope #ds9 #trill

Just a reminder, birds aren’t real.

Russian Assets = Canadian Liabilities.

I’m only medium depressed. Baseline depressed. No big deal.

Happy Rex Manning Day!

Sooo…I guess I feel vindicated now for not investing all these years? Glad I enjoyed all that avocado toast and espresso drinks.

Wait…I thought Russell Brand was already a sex offender…

@bsky.app will rue the day they gave me extra characters.

This is the 7th consecutive week that I’ve been sick. I know that I’ve exceeded the average male life expectancy from 1800…but middle age sucks.

6 year old: “who’s that guy again? Donny Llama?” Me: “the Dalai Lama?” 6 year old: “yea that it”

Just found out about the Impractical Jokers… Who are they? Why didn’t people get the ick from them the moment they saw them?

I am chaotic neutral, leaning chaotic good, but mostly chaotic.

Just hit my 200 day streak of Reddit activity. I’m 40. Ugh, this is not the life I dreamed of.

I trust gas station sushi way more than I trust Pierre Poilievre, but I’m still not buying it.

Welp, sold out in 30min

What do you call it when you find social situations so overwhelming that you’d rather awkwardly walk around the block pretending to be on the phone than going in and talking to people?

Things I hate: Meeting new people. Social situations. Meeting new people in social situations.

Evening Blueskyers. Spelling is important. 😂😂😂

I have two morning states: 1) Grumpy Prick 2) Toxic Positivity Not sure which my family hates more.

It’s not lost on me that my coffee pot clock always runs about 10 minutes fast.

Immediately what came to mind…

straight up funny, actually

I need an AI powered tool to sort out everything I don’t want to deal with. Personal Finance Reminders To dos Organizing documents Maybe laundry? #neurodivergent #adhd

Just updated my website. I've decided with the ramped up rhetoric about annexation and invasion of Canada today, I am done. Nothing ships to the US after the couple I already have gone.

Tell me you are a Russian asset without telling me you are a Russian asset… #slavaukraini

The most heartbreaking thing today is walking around my neighbourhood and seeing the reminder to vote cards from the Conservative Party on the doors of their supporters. These are my neighbours, they’re kind people, they are compassionate, they make the world a better place. 1/2

Not only did this snap election only have a 1 month campaign, but I see no signs of polling station signage when driving by them. Voter suppression 101

9:30pm is the new Midnight. Go to bed.

Ontario, let’s show up this time. 4 more years of this shit is unacceptable.

Everything Trump is doing Poilievre has already promised

Pierre is right, the dog and the kid on this CBC show are fake

You know why they want to cut Government funds? It’s been some of the last money their cash vacuums haven’t had total access to.

The richest person in the world is not working in your best interest. That’s not how one becomes the richest person in the world.

If you haven’t punched a Nazi today, what are you doing?

Why does it take me 9 hours to sleep 6 hours. I guess I wasn’t fast asleep.

“There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged…”

To those who think an Academic elite has been lying to you for decades…you’ve clearly never gone to a University Department meeting. Those people can’t agree on the colour of the carpet, let alone on controlling you.

Hmm sounds familiar, eh? Canadian voters, a vote for PP is a vote in the direction of Trump and Putin. Seriously.

With the CDC and NIH being decimated, next new US weight loss trend: Cholera. You’ll feel the pounds pouring out of you.

🤔

Make America Delicately Cough Blood Into A Handkerchief And Die Again™️

Want to know how it feels for Canadians to be called American overseas? I was in a pub in Northern Wales and someone referred to it as a great part of England. Silence.