Excited to potentially turn my favourite lifelong hobby of being pulled aside at airport security into a fun romcom w/ SMELT mirlo.space/leadmojo/rel...

there have been better days to launch an ambitious project to fund original scripted audio comedy from the likes of joel & ben (pictured), but it’s been in the diary for ages. please take a look at our store: Leadmojo.co.uk/smelt

we’ve got andy hamilton, for god’s sake. we’ve got @ianmartin.bsky.social. we’ve got @theguiltyfeminist.bsky.social @eddierobson.bsky.social @larryandpaul.bsky.social and @aglasgowgirl.bsky.social. we’ve got @gralefrit.bsky.social & ben willbond and mark evans and @alicefraser.bsky.social.

So excited for Rama Duwaji’s husband on his historic win

oh no I just became my father

it would just be nice if the Pakistani government could for once just not be embarrassing some of us are just trying to survive out here in the diaspora please shut up

just think manners are important and that actions have consequences and that consequence is me

just trying to get to the exact level of hot where my personality stops making sense

the male loneliness epidemic makes more sense with every swipe tbh

my niece has been drawing using only blue crayons recently so I referred to her work as her “blue period” and no one got it and I hate it here

no, where are you really, REALLY from?

looking for someone illegally hot to volunteer as tribute in my ongoing mission to scandalise a very niche but high profile section of Scottish society just so my parents are forced to once again explain my appearance in local newspapers to customers at their shop

oh no she wants to move back to London pls no her bank balance can’t take it

guys in Glasgow: she’s awrite guys in London: yo habibi wanna fuck

love being a person whose Glaswegian accent gets thicker and faster the more anxious she gets very helpful the best

ah yes, the sweet pain of trying to ask for ‘water’ in an accent apparently incomprehensible to most human ears

the Caledonian Sleeper is great you go to sleep a five up north and wake up a solid seven and a half down south

forgot how hot everyone in London is

can I say kink shame while on the BBC today? let’s find out I guess

I hate this yet I cannot look away

gonna start an 11 member female rock band and call it Embarrassment of Bitches

sometimes it’s okay to move to a new place and not immediately start using the local slang, I know it sounds like a fun word, oliver, but not everyone likes to be called a teuchter

sorry I can’t come over anymore I have to react to something on the internet www.jezebel.com/we-paid-some...

going down in history as a footnote in a mentally unstable man’s presidency is one way to be immortalised I guess

huh the guy who once implied that the taliban should shoot me in the head next got shot…

I mean, I get it. Their bragging gets more mileage at the wedding opposed to at the ceremony itself so it’s actually very cost effective when you think about it so it’s okay it doesn’t hurt my feelings

my parents can’t decide between going to the wedding of a distant cousin they’ve only met once or going to the award ceremony of a nomination they made me accept im not mad

petition to bully streamers into adding more genre subcategories like “makes no sense but pretty to look at” and “gets good at episode 3 I promise”

need streamers to stop labelling everything a ‘thriller’ when it’s just characters refusing to communicate until the penultimate episode

thought two respected theatre actors were the sound guys coming to check my levels and accidentally treated them like human beings

my kink is immediately undermining myself anytime I show sincerity thanks for asking

aliens may not have built the pyramids but they did build this ass me watching the X files while doing squats

deeply resent being at an age where the rising hostility feels intimately familiar instead of jarring because unlike before it means I know exactly what’s coming and exactly how little I can do about it

I don’t think it’s fair that Adam Sandler gets to make the same film over and over again but I can’t recycle my own tweets

me to producers: no, I say we trust the audience, they’ll get it, they’re smart the audience: if this layered drama doesn’t capture my attention in 2 seconds I’m going back on TikTok

why do I often miss what’s right in front of me but when it comes to clocking a spider in my peripheral vision I’m a hammerhead shark

she’s a mess but they let her on air anyway

train into Edinburgh: 3 people silently editing podcasts train into Glasgow: entire cabin debating Foucault while junkie joe serenades with despacito (acoustic)

Britain 2030: [announcement] If you see something that doesn’t look right speak to… me: I don’t know officer I guess waiting on the platform was suspicious behaviour

I love that best friends often come in convenient pairs. The hot one and the one who takes the photographs

often think about the guy who casually told me he didn’t know brown people could be working class and thought I was just trying to be edgy but then he heard me speak

kinda getting tired of friends ruining my doomscrolling experience by actively becoming the discourse

as a kid no one warned me about how much discourse would be set around flags

been so absorbed in my screenwriting projects that my rusty journo ass just sent a pitch to an outlet with a logline and three act structure detailing the protagonists heel turn

what kind of savant is it when you can’t do maths but you can list every single band played on The O.C in order

wait… if everyone on here operates from a similar value system who am I supposed to fight? What do you mean cortisol spikes are bad for you?

UK elections need a 3 month probation period where the PM can be voted off the island upon which their last ex becomes interim while the Brit w/ the longest Wordle streak faces the Front Bench on Come Dine With Me. Job goes to whoever stays most emotionally regulated. Simple.

me: the principle from Mean Girls was in shawshank redemption? huh guy: yeah this isn’t gonna work out

turns out Tim Robbins and Tim Meadows are two different people. I have a lot of calls to make

that was horrible do it again