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i am a chaser...and this [grabs phone] is my weapon [lays both hands on phone] she weighs one hundred grams and fires two hundred custom-heyyy dm at ten thousand rounds per mins [looks intently at viewer] it costs four hundred thousand dollars to shoot my shots with this phone...for twelve seconds

seal is a phoque

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update, two are already injured and my first match up is against my wife save me save me, shohei ohtani save me

- be me, got sent back in time - start a long distance letters relationship with a nun - ask a painter to do a canvas of me - send it to the nun - go back to the present - visit a museum - see my butt being called the moona lisa

seeing the reaction to swalwell is so fucking beyond the pale and absolutely disgusting scratch a liberal and a [fill the blank] bleeds [rape apologist] [genocide supporter] [fascist] [all three]

being fingered by osty would fix me

what's the worst football take i can say to ragebait my wife when she's here?

what are vegetarian meals that are your favorites to cook?

the real victims are cishet dudes being called faggots faggots being called faggots is fair game

i am a delight at lunch and i want to take so many moots out for lunch but alas i need to wait for the collapse of america 😔

growing out my hair arc: it's my woman moment into cutting it short with bangs: it's my dyke moment into growing it again: i want to be able to hairstyle it so i have dog ears moment

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this bitch can't do her groceries alone jelly beans, i should call her peaches, i should call her gushers, i should call her yogurt, i should call her brioche rolls, i should call her

she's my wife and i need her now! call JG Wifeworth, 877-WIFE-NOW!!!

i am so wife pilled i keep brainstorming for tasty techniques i can do because i want her to have good vegetarian food and snacks

i broke my yolk on my fried egg it's over the world is done it's all downhill from here

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nickname: nope, but my wife calls me montrealmilfcheesesteakcakedogseasoningsimpwife pronouns: she/her height: 5'8"? sexuality: bi smoke: only other ways piercings: nope tattoos: 2 color: mix of 💙 and 💚 fav 🍸 drink: can't fav 🥤 drink: watermelon juice fav food: pan fried dumplings fav animal: 🐸

calm and way not annoying enough but have a french accent anyway

do people of winnipeg call themselves peggers?

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after a few weeks in adhd meds, it feels really good not to rawdog adhd like, i never thought how much i did to keep it maintained. now there's no effort at all

i can't explain why after year 3, i stopped shooting ropes and when i started adhd meds, i am doing it again

my first baseball draft is today and i don't know shit

well damn, i am a virgin again

god fucking damn i love women

banger

FINALLY some good news

i’m ngl this sounds really nice

the decision to get ronda rousey is probably one of the dumbest yet it's clear that it's a move to get the maga part of the audience. it's like a certain politician campaigning with cheney instead of keeping the momentum. completely dumb and add on that she's truly an horrible human being 🤼‍♀️

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slay the spire 2 daily today rocked pillar of creation + soul generation and you are immortal

take adhd med for boost + lethargic because of nausea and lack of sleep side effects = i can't move but with energy

okay, hear me out body you can't just wake me up with a splitting headache because of lack of food while stopping me from eating food because of nausea you can't do both, that's illegal

it's nice when i need to cry, i can just pull out bink's sake and the water dam just breaks

what's with being sick and wanting to get fucked until you don't feel your body anymore

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