The haul for the food bank:

Listen. We got the entire Project 2025 playbook two years ago. Total roadmap with details. They promised to show us their ACA replacement 10 years ago. And we haven't heard one single element beyond "no more ACA."

A live look at Democratic leadership:

Giants: So, no flight home, Brian. Daboll: This shutdown sucks, eh? Giants: *boarding plane* What shutdown?

Me: What's your homework? Kid: Figuring out what's the best version of Mack the Knife. Me: I know the worst. Kid: ... Me: <1980s time machine> Kid: 😱

Mamdani is going to implement Shipshewana law. Everyone will only buy their handcrafted Amish furniture from just off the Indiana Toll Road.

Damn, I keep forgetting to dust the cat.

Have they met shoppers? Like, one trip to the store is now an extra 15 minutes of GO AWAY, I DO NOT NEED YOU.

My car may have a smoking problem.

Tired: Live Free or Die Wired: Live Expensive and Die

Oh, they are never gonna allow that Andrew Harnik back in the White House after yesterday ...

Watson was to Rosalind Franklin and the double helix what Thomas Edison was to Granville Woods and the railroad telegraph.

Here's the thing - war in 2025 is information, information security, and economy. Nobody needs to set foot on Terra Americana if they can get our money and information where they are. And the people safeguarding all of this are governing at the whims of fits of pique.

Some phishing email just asked me to pay for my Microsoft Skype subscription.

Why yes, my bagel has a chopped up mini slice of Dutch apple pie on it. Why?

The only reason I have heard any of these songs: SNL, Wednesday, Netflix.

Know who would have enjoyed every Sandwich Guy moment?

In the last month, we've had Sandwich Guy and his trial and the Campbell's Soup trademark suit. Like, perfect time of year.

Leave your leaves on your lawn. Blowing and raking leaves off the grass is fascist HOA BS that's not good for the ground or useful bugs and animals. Nobody in a climate that experiences autumn leaves should have a totally green patch right now.

We're all going to have to slowly shrink and transform into a corn cob to lose this much weight.

In a few weeks, I will be passing through Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Maryland, West Virginia, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, and Florida. If you think I have time in that space to see any of you, you're crazy.

All that money and sandwich guy was acquitted? Bet the government has egg salad on its face.

Thank goodness Sean Dunn was found not guilty. If he'd been convicted, he used the wrong kinda sandwich for appeal.

DC Sandwich Guy Sean Dunn has been found not Gulden's. I mean, not guilty.

Cruise Leg 1: New York to Gibraltar Cruise Leg 2: Gibraltar to Turkey

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good sandwich, must be in want of mustard and onions.

"Is this just 95 pieces of paper?"

It's giving Pokémon Go to the Polls, @parkermolloy.com

This looks like L'Idiot or El Pollo del Mar from LA Story. @stevemartinreally.bsky.social

I thought sandwich guy pleaded nolo condimentere.

Respond with the same actor as a hero and villain.

It wasn't his time. They say you never smell the sammy with your name on it.

Do I like to make fun of file names? Yes. Did I just get a file named _FINAL.docx (2).pdf? Also yes.

"I could smell the onions and mustard."

There's something awfully screwy about this fight, or my name isn't Laramore. And, it isn't.

"I couldn't pick it out of the lineup, your honor."

My God, someone hit him with the Maxwell Street Polish.

I am 100 percent not voting today.

The defense attorney really needs to ask, "Agent Larrimore, does your mommy still cut the crust off your PB&J?"

A grey mist gathered, and rising slowly to a great height like smoke from a fire, as a pale shrouded figure it loomed over the Hill. For a moment it wavered, looking to the West; but out of the West came a cold wind, and it bent away, and with a sigh dissolved into nothing. - The Death of Saruman

Oh yea well The Cool Jerk Store called and they’re running out of cats who can really do the Cool Jerk.

I retroactively lower the wall three feet for Willie McCovey's benefit.

Happy National Sandwich Day!