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“2026 is the year of the horse” The horse:

My wife put the cubby on the gaming chair and it's a perfect suntrap.

Anyway, goodnight. Embrace kindness.

SOTU in a nutshell was - in terms of policy - all hat, no cattle. But if you were allowed to reach inside the hat, there were several medals.

Providence right now ...

I mean, we also killed anything that moved between Plymouth Rock and San Diego...

Post old memes to confuse young people.

Every time he looks at the Dems:

Oh, now we're in fantasyland...

Mentioning everyone but the Hortmans tonight, I guess.

Oh, no, the JK Rowling portion...

Um. He has nothing to do with snow cleaning.

Big "Careful, mate" energy tonight.

Well, takes a fraud to know one...

I've made a handy snippet for you to use in your home to play along with the #SOTU

"Prescription drugs, unlike the drugs in my hand given to me by Dr. Nick Rivera ..."

Household hotel costs are down!

The state of our union is too spicy, can I get some ranch dressing?

The diminishing reputation of the Presidential Medal of Freedom continues to fall down a well.

Again, odds are their sweaters were made anywhere but the USA is VERY HIGH.

I think someone had "The state of our organization is strong" and I told him to start over.

Does Venezuela know that?

I hope Daniel Dale has a defibrillator nearby.

Tonight, it's the scene at the Mar-a-Lago after party.

"George Washington's gavel" "Ah." "Next, LBJ's balls..." #SOTU

Kagan: "Am I being punished?" #SOTU

As a mere observer of this tasteless phenomenon, one has to admire the stage management. #SOTU

One: the cow as white as milk, Two: the cape as red as blood, Three: the hair as yellow as corn, Four: the slipper as pure as gold.

1. Did they pick up those sweaters at the duty-free shop? 2. I dare someone to check the tag on where they were made.

Jagland? How far is it from Chicago to Pittsburgh?

Has the Academy of Motion Pictures Museum ... seen Logan's Run?

History is an angel being blown backwards into the future. - Laurie Anderson

Cause, in a hole it's so dark You can't see a thing It's easy to lose sight of your goals It's not the bullet, not the bullet that kills, you know It's the hole, it's the hole, it's the hole...

So ... the Penguins turned Jarry and Poulin into Skinner, Girard, and two 2nds? Fairly good work ...

🐝🐝🐝👦👓⚰️

Flav: I don't play with the Ides of March.

Also, fun fact: This is the same actor.

John Oliver the day after the show putting ❌❌s on his plane.

The only factories being built right now:

A cursed object has just shown up on the local for sale group. How much would you pay for this?

"Grok show me 1849ers in 69ers ..."

What really ticks me off about the Kash Patel thing is it's just another incident of stolen valor. He had zero to do with what the USA accomplished. He's not part of USA Olympic Hockey. He has no business intruding on a team's moment of glory.

Tonight's mad lib: ___________ in a global language.

Baseball: After every out, a new player takes the field but the outfielders have to move in 10 feet. By the 9th inning, there are 24 players, all on the infield, like a foosball of death.

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Shitpost

Kalshi and Polymarket in a nutshell.