settle a thing for me, are grape leaves supposed to be wet?

we have the whole body cam thing backwards. how about this: if you shoot someone and they die, you’re going to have to provide video graphic proof that it wasn’t murder

I’m no historian, but if machado gets control of a nation of 32 million people in exchange for a framed plaque of an award she won that’s gotta go down as the most lopsided tit for tat in the history of corruption, right?

I am a testament to how quickly the human body can deteriorate

imagine how panicked verizon was this week getting mobile service back up before people rediscovered the joy of connecting with friends and neighbors in person

Everyone loves the acronym EAD, but it isn’t flexible enough for today’s unpredictable environment. We’ve launched a new app (powered by AI) that allows you to say ETD for when you want someone to eat two dicks or ETD for when you want them to eat THREE dicks. This is only the beginning…

all I’m saying is if you’re gonna fuck the chicken, then don’t talk to me about egg prices

sometimes you shit on the dog, sometimes the dog shits on you, know what I’m sayin?

I love how light old christmas trees are, as someone who can barely bench the bar there’s no better feeling than picking a tree twice my size up full over my head and effortlessly tossing it halfway across my yard

the way l know we’re cooked is no one even bothered pretending that ai is gonna bring us 30 hour work weeks or ubi or healthcare that isn’t tied to your job, it’s just an argument between people who think it’s goods enough to replace us and people who say it sucks

my coworker, who I never pay attention to: remember when I told you this last week? me: bro, I never membered it in the first place

if you’re a comic struggling to get spots, go to any show that has 5+ featured acts and say “I’m here to replace your no show” and there’s a 60% chance they’ll put you on

I’m so profligate with my “I love you”s my friends and family have to be like “okay, but do you like love-love me?”

the way l know we’re cooked is no one even bothered pretending that ai is gonna bring us 30 hour work weeks or ubi or healthcare that isn’t tied to your job, it’s just an argument between people who think it’s goods enough to replace us and people who say it sucks

whenever I run out of things to talk about at a party I say the mcdonald’s “I’m lovin it” tune is the jurassic park theme backwards, which isn’t true but it gives me plenty of time to slip away while they try to say “bah da bah bah bah” backwards

lebron james injury reports at this point are like: dnp- gout, dysentery, early onset alzheimers

the second I saw the “it’s not that deep” meme, I knew it’d be used against me someday in brutal fashion

I was excited when they picked walz cause I thought they were making a splash instead of a safe pick that would help a bit in pa, little did I know they were going for a secret 3rd option where they take the high risk candidate only to put a muzzle on him to ensure they never get any of the upside

everyone mocks the way liberals handled the first trump administration, but are we any better off now? I say we go back to calling him dingus blump and posting “buttery males” memes and see what happens

sex is great but have you tried wearing a pair of sweatpants so old it takes a pair of pliers to untie the drawstring

how is bough pronounced like bow but bow isn’t?

whenever a little guy pops back up in the toilet bowl after my first flush, I close the lid like I’m putting him in time out until the reservoir refills

nyc’s a great city to see the best comedians do their worst material

me at 25: I swear if they card me I’m gonna scream me at 35: if they card me I’m gonna pretend I don’t have it so I “have to” go home and eat a whole tray of costco jalapeno poppers

sex is great but have you tried wearing a pair of sweatpants so old it takes a pair of pliers to untie the drawstring

“don’t shine that laser pen in your brothers’ eyes, it could melt his retinas and he’ll be blind for life!” my 10 year old son: then why did you buy it for me “great question”

I definitely know over-the-counter either means you do or don’t need to go to the pharmacy to get it, I just don’t remember which one

me at 25: I swear if they card me I’m gonna scream me at 35: if they card me I’m gonna pretend I don’t have it so I “have to” go home and eat a whole tray of costco jalapeno poppers

statistically speaking, a very small percentage of the women in the world have giggled when they saw me with my pants off

looks like jame ISN’T winston

having a talking dog or cross dressing alien is allowable under the seth mcfarland carve out

um sorry but a REAL family is one mom, one dad, one girl, one boy, one dog (boy), and one cat (girl), if you got one of those boy cats or your dogs a gerbil we’re shipping your ass to CECOT

the closest we can get to a 4 day work week right now is if congress passed a bipartisan bill to create an 8th day of the week called Trumpday, and you are forbidden by law to do anything on Trumpday except sit around and think about how much you love america

statistically speaking, a very small percentage of the women in the world have giggled when they saw me with my pants off

a murderer goes to murder me but with each stab i strategically move my body so that he hits several acupuncture points, making me feel amazing

someone stole my catalytic converter so I paid it forward and stole my neighbor’s 🤗

kinda telling that I can say “I just left a south philly puddle back there” and everyone will know exactly what I mean even though I just made it up

italians came up with the 7 fishes tradition because we decided there wasn’t enough to argue about when we got all the family together in the dead of winter so we needed to pack us all into one kitchen and make a half dozen dinners at once

it’s none of my business how you renovate your house, but having a forgotten bathroom in the basement where I can have a secret poop will increase my odds of going to your place for christmas by 50%

if you guess changing the font to windings, congrats, you found the only method of encrypting a word doc that’s funnier than what they actually did

read the headline and try to think of the dumbest possible way of digitally redacting information before reading the paragraph

a rapper named lil sneeze guard

the left’s version of hypocrisy is personally falling short of an impossibly high standard they’ve set for society and the right’s version of hypocrisy is “lol you believed me when I said that shit? lmao”

my comedy career is a cover for how unemployable I am for perfectly valid reasons

if the epstein files end up being a pivotal historical moment, it’s gonna be real hard to teach kids about it in school

so obviously this is the least important thing to say about this quote, but people who treat “data” as a plural can’t even keep their story straight for two straight sentences

maybe we’re looking at the redacted epstein files all wrong. maybe we need to scan them like a QR code

if an interviewer ever knew how many times I’ve learned and relearned the lesson that a receipt isn’t absorbent enough to serve as a napkin in a pinch, I’d be unemployable

me: and then they say their catchphrase: scoop woop woop! tv exec: me: tv exec: me: so what do you think? tv exec: think of what? you just walked in here and said “and then they say scoop woop woop” me: I accept crypto