the problem with movies being on youtube now is that I keep being like “hell yeah, someone made an hour and a half video essay on shaun of the dead” and 5 minutes later I realize I’m just watching 2004’s shaun of the dead

Surely the next weird little sentence I post for strangers on the internet will be the one that cures my mental illness

we have agreed* to a cease-fire* I will not be elaborating on the asterisks end of press conference

as someone who was raised catholic, I also dgaf what the pope has to say; importantly though, that’s why I don’t consider myself catholic anymore

millenials are old enough to remember a time when the Strait of Hormuz was open without playing a game the youths are calling “existential chicken”

I think a lot of liberal llama dramas who were worried about nuclear war today owe mr trump an apology name ONE time obama got through a day without annihilating an entire civilization

yeah, I got tds alright. timothee derangement syndrome!

if you’d asked me 10 years ago how expensive a case of eggs would have to be before descended into fascism, I would’ve hoped it’d at least be in the double digits

lol people in history are such idiots, good to know we’ll never let that happen to us 😂

I feel like we don’t talk enough about how exposing a bunch of people who variously feel impulsive, desperate, or hopeless to opiates, guns and heavy machinery is inevitably going to lead to death (self-caused or otherwise) fatal harm (to yourself or others) isnt always the bottom of a long spiral

people without kids: I only had time to write 3 chapters in my novel today cause I watched half a season of the sopranos before getting started me: I caught a red light during my lunch break so looks like I’m not going to the gym OR eating today

it’s cool how I spent my childhood getting lectured by conservatives how I’ll wise up to their ways once I get a job and pay taxes only to grow up and watch them take policy direction from michael bay movies

if the fact that I can dish it out has given you the impression that I can take it then you are HIGHLY mistaken

april fools should be a month. anyone can be vigilant for a day, let’s see how you fare when it’s april 23rd and the lid is still falling off your salt shaker

trump 1: everyday we pick a different piece of infrastructure we’ll claim to rebuild trump 2: everyday we pick a different piece of infrastructure we’ll threaten to demolish in iran

it’s cool how I spent my childhood getting lectured by conservatives how I’ll wise up to their ways once I get a job and pay taxes only to grow up and watch them take policy direction from michael bay movies

scoldception

you better agree to let me stop hitting you, or else!

bad sign for humanity how much people have stopped using enormous scare quotes whenever using the phrase “mow the lawn”

if I ever use the “HaHa” reply in iMessage, I did not laugh

pam bondi, sobbing: I never thought he’d stab MY back

parenting hack: just call all your kids your “lowkey favorite”, somehow it works out

can’t be a good sign for my mental health that I need extra caffeine on my birthday to prepare myself to match all the energy people are going to be giving me that day

my favorite part of my birthday is getting twice as many spam emails offering me a free appetizer or 10% off pants for my birthday

I’ve read the tweet, the screengrabs and the entire comment section and I still have no idea what “athletics” has to do with announcement

“a dozen thermonuclear detonations”

them: time is money me:

people without kids: I only had time to write 3 chapters in my novel today cause I watched half a season of the sopranos before getting started me: I caught a red light during my lunch break so looks like I’m not going to the gym OR eating today

you either die ironic or you live long enough to become the cringe

I’d prefer we referred to them as “people awaiting trial”

a little late to the party here but was there discourse at the time that episode 5 of the good whale is the worst episode of a podcast ever?

I think calling war makers “hawks” has too positive of a connotation, just spit balling here but it should be something more like “bloodthirsty cretins who should be tormented in the deepest circle of hell for spending their time on this earth creating as much destruction as possible”

twitter is no longer an app, it’s a state of being. bluesky is very twitter rn. x is not very twitter anymore

our president big dumb

we had to invent the word exurb because every generation of america finds a new way to flee farther from black people

reality tv show where you tell 10 people who are anxious they have a blood disorder they can’t eat for a half a day and see what happens when you make them wait in a room for an hour, we’ll call it Labcorp

never got people who dismissed someone’s mental health struggles because they’re only cutting for attention like oh they’re mutilating themselves as a cry for help? no therapy necessary then!

brimming with pride for my paradigm changing son, a waiter asked if we’d like anything else and he said “a million dollars”

penisular

you’re in his DMs sending him pics, I’m at his crypto poker table sending him doge emotes. we are not the same

we’ve all been there! not me personally but it happens to the main character in a lot of sitcoms

am I the only illiterate motherfucker who did not know until today that the wall street journal is literally owned by dow jones (which no longer owns the dow jones index, but did up and through the 2008 financial crisis for example)? I’m no journalism ethicist but isn’t that bad?

time for mr trump to close america’s biggest trade deficit of all, the amount of war we export vs the amount we bring to our shores

I join zoom meetings the second the lobby opens because I’m terrible at keeping track of time so every meeting recording begins with 20 minutes of me sitting there alone eating a salad

this motherfucker forgot to knock on wood!

sorry for failing to mention this earlier, but my usual stance that the president doesn’t control oil prices has a carve out for if they unilaterally start a war against an opec country without congressional approval

Selling a mattress on craigslist, wanting people to know it's not gross, writing "Did not have sex on mattress" then worrying they'll think I'm a loser and changing it to "Had a lot of sex on mattress"

I’ve never seen full metal jacket, but I had enough toxic friends in high school that I can quote literally every single line from memory

me [acting like I know what my friends are talking about]: the only person I’m doxxing is my beautiful wife!

I can’t believe the leasee of the 2025 nobel peace prize would spark a conflict in iran