“as my clearly stated in my last emai!” the last email:

two things are going to result from this case: 1) it will be thrown out without prejudice before ever making it in a courtroom 2) you will hear about it from facebook news consumers for the rest of your life and the amount rewarded by the judge will increase every time

When political scientists talk about moderating extremism, they're not talking about centrism. Supporting genocide emboldens terrorist resistors and creating a free bus system doesn't, regardless of where those two policies fall in the political mainstream.

zoomer [malding]: jules rue the day euphoria me!

reminder: that elections have consequences!

me: okay cool, so is it 30 minutes and 42 seconds or is it .42 minutes? her: do you hate me? do you hate me? do you hate me?

sketch idea: a smear campaign paid for by the christian action network where a scary voice reads off the beatitudes over footage of jesus hanging out with lepers

date night idea: go to the movies and wait for the most somber part and blurt out in your most cockney accent “HARRY POTTER!!!”

can politicians even throw down at all these galas and fund raisers with media and all there, or is their whole life just being wined and dined in settings where they can’t drink the wine

🥹

musk’s net worth of $1.4T exceeds all but the 18 richest countries, just ahead of the leader of the oil producing cartel, the home of international banking, and the ostensible HQ of every multinational corporation I feel like the legal standard for him inciting civil war should reflect this

the more takes I hear from the foreign policy expert class, the more I think it was a good thing gary johnson didn’t know what aleppo was

at this point beleaguered nations are hoping america picks a fight with them so we can lose and give them a bunch of money to get out of the mess

Everyone shut up I finally got a video of Jyn doing her cartoon snoring thing

in a functioning society I—as a parent of young kids—would react quite positively to finding out that less school days produce better educational outcomes instead of having a panic attack

I genuinely can’t tell if it says more about the intellect of republicans that cornyn feels the need to recount a literal children’s story in its entirety or the elitism of democrats that they’d probably just talk metaphorically about frogs and scorpions and not realize they’ve lost a ton of people

our pool is bigger than skyscrapers

yeah i went there and everyone knew you

we just reverse engineered bernie sanders

nate cohn looks like he’s playing the role of an election wonk in an aaron sorkin flick

unfortunately I’m not proficient enough at ms paint to edit “farting! at the pissoir” onto this image

journalist: I wanna write an article about the dangers of the carnivore diet editor: too specific, we need something with broader appeal, maybe protein heavy diets in general analyst: and we need a provocative headline and framing article: 💩

everyone loves the part of beetlejuice when jon leguizamo climbs out of the rhino’s butt and says “smokin!”

if you’re a comedian then just knowing that you made a difference in one person’s day makes it all worth it, and if you’re in non-profit and you only save a million people’s lives then you get a congressional subpoena

think it’s cool to fart at the pissoir? think again

every time I’m on the west coast people are like “oh we don’t leave our car parked on the sidewalk with our hazards on here” and I’m like sorry I didn’t realize everyone here’s a traffic cop teacher’s pet

am I the only person to be so frustrated with your kid’s overly competitive little league coach that you find yourself cheering against them in the big game? 💅

there’s concepts of a concept

I told them it was all ticketyboo when in fact it was all ticketypoo

it’s cool how this administration proposed something so insane that everyone’s relieved that they’re settling for the president and his family just being allowed to put whatever they want on their taxes in perpetuity

kind of impressive russell brand is such a repulsive person that it overshadows the fact his sense of humor consists entirely of saying things like “I made a boggy cloggy with my soupy poopy”

giant squid? that’s what I call my dick! (I have an appointment to get it looked at)

just a heads up, just because your square on Teams doesn’t light up when you make noise does NOT mean that it doesn’t come through. I happened to have the closed captioning open when I farted and it transcribed it as me saying “cool”

the evilness:payout ratio of this scheme is off the charts

I can never keep the two straight, is jurassic world in anaheim or orlando?

just a heads up, just because your square on Teams doesn’t light up when you make noise does NOT mean that it doesn’t come through. I happened to have the closed captioning open when I farted and it transcribed it as me saying “cool”

trying to fit in with the working class folks at the local dsa: “more like arvo färt, am I right?”

girl, are your panties baby blue? cause baby, I just blew a load in my pants

I suggest any hypnotist whose practice can accurately be described as “basically just guided meditation” should call them “guided meditations” if they don’t want to be associated with the “cluck like a chicken”, “unlock repressed memories” brand of hypnotism

2026: we should go to war with iran 2025: what, why?! 2026: so we can give them a bunch of their money back and start paying tolls on the strait of hormuz 2025: I thought you were at least gonna address the enriched uranium 2026: you’re right, let’s get it in writing that we’re fine with it

what’s this antifa? it sounds like you’re starting a word and you’re not finishing it. are you inviting me to a gay bashing group?

I feel just like james bond when I use my cybertruck to drive 1-3mph through a large puddle

a ferris bueller remake where ferris gets out of going to school by bombing his own home

I just got smoked up by yogi bear and he showed me his pussy

a fun game to play with these faux libertarian arguments is think who they’re talking to whenever they say “you.” what do you mean “I” can’t advertise meat? I wasn’t planning on it. “authoritarianism” against who? there’s no line in the poem that says “then they came for the mcdonalds”

he’s joined the cream berets

I don’t CARE where this avocado was made, I wanna knew if it was grown using that cup of water and toothpick trick that kindergartners and hippies use