Why is everyone going on about the rapture, have we finally got a date in the diary?

Monday

I have to go into the office tomorrow for a presentation, then drive back to look after Babs. 3hrs there, 3hrs back for 8-10 minutes of speaking. Livid.

Burning seasonal change flu out of my body with margs so spicy I’m going to be pissing fire at 4am.

Babs is shouting at that ruddy faced fucker on the telly. She’s back in my good books after this mornings ‘your hand towels aren’t the right size’ debacle. Bosh.

I’m definitely not made to be a nurse. Babs has only been here 24hrs and I’m already searching for last minute holidays.

Morning. When you’re doing the big shop a bit later on try and be patient with people trying to get in the car park spaces, they’re small and sometimes take 2 or 3 goes to get lined up so you can get out your door without cleaning the other car with your arse.

Friday afternoon, the sweet taste of the weekend on the very tips of our tongues. May all your pub gardens be sunny as the last of the beautiful summer gives us a taste of joy before we go for a full seasonal change.

Night then. *tucks you in, passes you your teddy, plants a kiss on your forehead and turns the bedside lamp off

Have you ever wondered why you narrated your life on social media as if anyone is remotely interested? I do it because this is the only way anyone is ever going to know I existed. No kids you see, no legacy. Remember her? No… not really. Except that one time when…

I am on the train home now. I have eaten stuff with a cummerbund on my heed, some quenelles of various mousses, Bovril and Colman’s at best guess.

Ever listened to Holst’s ‘planets’? John Williams was the original plagiarist with the Star Wars and Indiana Jones scores

Do you think maybe we should have been soulmates?

Street drinking really is one of London great pleasures

I dont think im overreacting but Moulin Rouge may be the greatest theatre production I’ve ever seen. The biggliest, smartest, mash up ever produced. 10/10 #tuppstheatrereviews

Thursday pints

You know brick fire station training towers with all the stairs in. Until incredibly recently I thought these were look out towers so fire people could see where the fire was by getting up high and looking for the smoke.

Currently sitting in the middle of a housing estate drinking our #traincans as the train has been cancelled and we’re waiting for the next one #classyaf

I’ve got a day off all this adulting tomorrow and I’m going to London to get drunk with my mate and do stuff. (But not too drunk as I have to pick Babs up on Friday morning so the nursing can begin *snaps rubber glove on)

Reasons why I’m single no. 213. Had DynoRod out earlier to fix my hot water tank (not a euphemism) the engineer was lovely and chatty and I think he asked me out for a drink, but not directly and I’m really, really, awful at this so I laughed and said ‘Yeah that would be nice’ and then he left.

Bucks Fizz have let themself go.

Babs has just gone down to surgery for her hip replacement so I’m sat playing eye spy with myself in her hospital room. I’m going to try her compression socks on in a moment and see if I can make my leg go purple. #muvva

You’ll be glad to know Im done yapping, good night, sweetest of dreams, maybe one of those ones with saucy happenings that you wish you could remember when you’re sitting on the bog having a tinkle in the dark after you snore yourself awake at 4am.

The highlight of my week has been seeing how shiny my neighbour’s new leather jacket is.

I’m in my hotel half way up. For tomorrow we ride further north to Glasgow. I’ve got a cuppa and I’m singing this to Take me home country roads.

Hey north midlanders, if you could distribute yourselves more evenly across the M62 rather than all bunching up in lanes 2 and 3 I wouldn’t be forced to call you all stupid pricks. You’ve brought this on yourselves.

Movie voice over man: And so it would seem, Lucy had yet again fallen foul to late night retail therapy boredom and purchased some utter fucking nonsense.

Dad had 6 breakfasts this morning, apparently the dude sat next to hims son Marcus would carry me off if he was here (good luck with that Marcus, I’m a solid unit) and we need to bring in wooden jigsaw puzzles in future as the residents eat the pieces of the regular cardboard kind. #carehomelife

After reading a bit of the internets news this morning I have come to the conclusion that theres a lot of fucking bellends about at the moment.

I’m laying in bed with all my windows shut, ear plugs in and I can still hear a fucking shit rave going on somewhere, what happened to good raves? this music is so so bad.

New sign for house inspired by @bosd.bsky.social pub visits and very apt today.

My brothers just moved down the road to Gypsy Hill. Apparently his new landlord is minted. Ive just enquired about the landlords marital status, you know, just casual like. *examines finger nails

Good morning. The choices you make today may affect your future or the future of those around you. Choose love, choose to spread a little joy.

So busy with work at the moment. I would have a Friday beverage to relax but I’ve sat down for so long this week I’ve got puffy ankles and booze will make them explode. #sext

New nickname for all my vegan mates.

Wednesday.

That’ll do Pig, that’ll do. #smug

Took a pic of the finish line just incase I shit myself and don’t make it later.

People of the north are lovely. Always had an affinity with the north easterners cos my grandma was born in Stanley.

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

The waiter at the restaurant I’m in recognised me and said hello. I’ve been here twice. The last time about 4 months ago. Impressive. *listens to see if he says that to everyone

Rocket fuelling with a toasted marshmallow old fashioned from mother mercy. This is how we do it.

💯 Ready for mediocrity in a physical challenge.

Bruce Lee remembering the time Kenny put loads of googley eyes on the fruit in Chuck Norris's fruit bowl.

A list of better shuffles No. 517 - card - board - Melbourne - truffle

Nadine Dorris says pacific instead of specific.

If you’re thinking of trying hard drugs. I suggest you try this instead, it’s way cheaper than crack, same effects.

The sky tonight was awesome. I didn’t take a picture as I was driving but I did stare in awe and wonder and nearly stove myself into the central reservation, poetically skipping off this rock in a pink and orange fire ball that would have beautifully mimicked the one in the skies above.