Mr prez can we name the moon like sky Trump and it can be our 54th state

States are so pesky about who wins and loses elections. Let’s just use a show of hands..

A lot of vips boarded JE s plane by mistake and just went with it apparently. Honest mistake

sure the world is on fire but i hope we find a little peace today

She’s so o o hard to find

Hey Bob, come back to Minnesota and sing some sense into these killers. Hey Bruce, here’s some stuff to sink your teeth into. Hey Bono, every day these days is bloody. We could use a little help.

They think they can turn us on each other. Fkn idiots. They’re just making us care more than we did before.

Religious Experience ffs

too old to feel this young

I made ketchup from scratch yesterday. It’s so good it imparts wisdom on you when you eat it. It makes tater tots a gourmet delight.

40 has got to be tough. 40 more years at least. Sorry to bring this up

The plan for Greenland involves staging a plumbing disaster and having the insurance company pay for the country.

The president looks like he’s decaying before our eyes. I just wanted to see you smile. 😀

Sometimes the most radical thing you can do is educate normal people on complex subjects in ways that are engaging and digestible.

On long lonely cold days, I get tired of my own thoughts. Grab a book.

I ain’t quite as dumb as I seem

I want a judge with a short robe and a loooooong docket

You’re lucky. This skeet replaces the one I just deleted. It was a solid shitshow YW

The Kirkland Deluxe Cauliflower Crust Pizza is worthy of your consideration. Or not IDGAS

cause of death: trying to outpizza the hut

I’ll never wear jorts again ever since the squirrel/leg incident. I live in fear.

Stupid Alexa jokes..

We all pretend to be in love It’s fine I’m pretending 2

This is ART by the way can’t you tell I mean it’s deep it almost hurts sheesh

I know it’s wrong but yesterday morning I had a complete and utter desire to read a Sunday paper

Looking for a lover who won’t blow my cover

For my wife who says the my drinking isn’t the answer… What was the question again

Decent use of frozen nips

Watched BUGONIA last night. Crazy crazy shit.

The reality is that there is not a significant alliance of intelligent congressmen types to make any change at all. It’s fine. The next virus will probably kill us, anyway. Aside from that I’m fine. How bout you

So my friend comes over and I show him Alexa + and then she starts talking to him and completely ignores me. She sounds so flirty. I have to know…. Alexa are we over?

Why must I be a teenager in love? Oo wa oo

I shoulda done an OF like 30 yrs ago

It’s weird but I think gravity is out to get me

Yeah I heard stuff was going down somewhere. I don’t know where I heard it. Who broke this window and stole my butterscotch and my remote Wtf

ALDI has frozen pizzas for 2.69. They aren’t great. Getting used to them.

The sneaker I squooshed the spider with began to exhibit strange powers.

Outrage is no fucking fun

we all went to high school with someone who became an ICE officer and guess what we all hated him then, too

every seat in a movie theater should have an "I have to pee" button and if enough people press it they should be able to pause the movie

the perpetually sleepy people must unionize but we are too damn sleepy

Accomplice to murder reveres murderer.

My picture was taken by the god damned wall down in Naco, AZ. It’s a serious effort by greedy people to separate themselves from the ‘others’ as if we deserve this part of the planet for us. Bunch of crap.

Guaranteed all those ICE motherfuckers have a sad past. Guys who are happy don’t act that way.

I don’t know if I can do everything I need to do. If time was for sale I’d buy it.

maybe dial back the hog power guys

I had a dream in which I went back to high school and I had my own bathroom

Hopefully the world is entertained by these hijinks. (international smh)

Perfect world plan: Everybody make cookies and take them to your neighbors and say hi. Peace through cookies. Perfect fucking world. Simple.

I’ve been invited to a party where everybody agrees that tomorrow will be totally different. Even brand new. No thanks.