I am begging event organizers, in the year of Our Dark Lord Satan 2025, to understand that people have dietary restrictions

I was out front building my giant dog skeleton and a neighbor walked by and quizzed himself on the names of my 12’ skeleton, skeleton dog, and porch goose Do I remember that man’s name? No

Had 20oz of cold brew at 1pm I am going to vibrate my way through this to-do list

I know it’s going to be a great episode of If Books Could Kill when I’m immediately fact checking “hog cholera” Cc: @michaelhobbes.bsky.social

"If we lose hope, we're doomed." We must continue Dr. Jane Goodall's mission and all fight for the future of the planet.

The world lost one of its brightest lights today. May we not ignore what her gifts taught us — most of all, hope ❤️

You know your 40th birthday is coming up when you start getting ads on social media for fiber gummies

We used to be a proper country

Love 2 hear from my old pal Spam Risk so frequently

I imagine that it gave Charlie Kirk great pleasure to die as a martyr to the god of death he worshipped. I wish instead he could have died another way: of old age, peacefully, in a country where all his work had come to nothing, and he himself completely forgotten.

I want everyone, even those who I despise, to have healthcare. I want everyone, even republicans, to be able to afford food and housing. I want everyone, even those on the right who actively work to build the opposite, to live in a place that is safe from violence.

“You take forever to get ready for bed” Sir do you even wash your face

What is happening with the spam texts

What is this indoctrination of Jerryisms Cc: @jcsalterego.bsky.social

Waiting to flush my toilet until the person in the stall next to me answers their loudly ringing phone

Sometimes when I’m out and about frantically responding to things on Slack I wonder if this is how the Big Business Boys of the 90s felt on their satellite phones Doing A Business

And yet a trace of the true self resides in the false self

Mongers, ranked: 1. Cheese 2. Fish 3. Rumor 4. Iron 5. War 6. Conspiracy

Death Becomes Her really asks the question, “What if zombies were really beautiful?”

Sorry I’m late to the run while I was tying my shoes the kitten started batting at the laces so I picked her up out of annoyance but she was soft and warm and started purring and I remembered that there is still good in this world Then she broke a vase

I see and I hear and I speak no evil; I carry no malice within my breast; yet quite without wishing a man to the Devil one may be permitted to hope for the best. -“An Ethical Grook” by Piet Hein

Objectively the funniest time to receive a “Hey” text message is at 9:47am when you are nearly 40-years-old

I’m like if a lady was an Unc

Graffiti I’ve been enjoying lately: - Side of vacant building that just says CARBS; enjoy that it’s reminding me to carb load for my race in October - Roadside object reading GOD IS UFO but a graffiti artist For The Lord tried to change UFO to GOOD so now it says GOD IS GOOD UFO

Every once in a while I check in on The Daily and can someone please tell me why yesterdays episode about protein featured no memorable science but was basically an extended ad for a protein bar that Andrew Huberman likes Is this journalism dot butterfly meme

Congrats to the happy couple: defector.com/travis-kelce...

Do y’all think Taylor will ever get engaged

Removing rice from my hair then eating it during my sad desk lunch to really celebrate being alive

Every day that I am alive is more exhausting than the last

[yelling over club music] Do you think we’re ever truly forgiven

Birding is The Ring for aging millennials

"...his family remained close to his side with the dolphins surrounding the entire family who were more or less stationary. This continued until just before 3pm when I76 took his last breath and sank out of sight into the depths. His family lingered near his last position, then began to call."

Definitely the best time for your AC to go out is August in central Texas

Me on the drive into Houston

Having a kitten is great because you automatically get to participate in the new hobby of Removing A Kitten from everything you’re trying to do around the house

Being an adult rules I can do whatever I want!!! And yes right now that’s going to bed at 10pm on a Saturday

Why are some of my cuticles so aggressive what do they want from me

This ruled even harder than I thought it would: my mother failed to inform them of my dietary restrictions so I basically got to fast from Thursday night until Sunday The single trail ride I did was pretty nice tho and I only got my fingers chewed on by one pretty chill baby

If anyone was planning to kidnap me and hold me prisoner in their well-appointed Italian villa today is good for me, before I have to drive to a dude ranch for a family reunion

typos are just a symptom of having a brain so smart it can outpace your fingers… in many cultures they’re a sign of great wisdom…

Gotta stop listening to the news while I drive. I keep involuntarily rolling my eyes so hard I’m going to cause an accident

Me: Ah, it’s a beautiful morning! The dog: *eats something weird on our walk, throws it up and eats it again while I’m in the shower* I AGREE !!!

Remember! If you want respect when you die, earn it while you live!

Decided to refer to perimenopause as Reverse Puberty. Grateful I can afford to get drunk in better hotels now.

The greatest adaptation of Emma there is, in my humble opinion

No cheating, your last saved celebrity photo is your therapist, who is it …this unfortunately tracks

Him to the board: Whomst among us does not hug the homies at the Coldplay concert ?? This is team building; I expensed these tickets. We were taking the new hire out

EXTREME hats off to the creature designer for the new Jurassic Park who just decided to rip off the dancing alien from Spaceballs for the fucked up T-Rex we were meant to fear for two hours Absolute CINEMA

Ice cream is a protein rich snack fight me