Logging onto Polymarket to wager when the first death will happen

I once again stayed too late at cookbook club YOLO for your 40s

Dance like everybody is watching.

Me to the enormous kitten: I’m not fat-shaming you I’m celebrating your chonk

FMK the Americans in The Mummy

Not me laying on the couch right now, ignoring all of my responsibilities

Not charging my phone overnight just to feel something

Fathers Day is coming up

I love telling a joke to a Gen Z colleague and they respond with “that’s so funny” in a tone that lets me know I’m slowly fading into obscurity

Sitting at my desk gently dissociating as I listen to a YouTube video of bald eagle calls

Me before book club: I’ll just have one glass of wine I have a long day tomorrow Me at the bar at 1am: That’s THE THING — the romance GROUNDED the originally serialized story and gave it a through-line but ultimately DIDN’T center the man !!!

incredible photos of a walrus falling off a pontoon in scotland. source www.facebook.com/groups/scotl...

Huge if true

Writing MyFitnessPal an angry email because I can’t quantify the grams of protein in the gnats I just inhaled on my run

Me at a party: “So I went to the strip club dressed as a mycelium network.” Two random youths: …you’re weird I love it can I follow you on instagram?

How am I supposed to “dress to impress” for this party when my cloak and gorilla suit are at the office

“But Sparker, these men EARNED this money shouldn’t it be THEIRS??” Look if they are good boys they can have an allowance

Instead of incels getting assigned girlfriends any man with investments above $1mil should be assigned a Findom

“That’s a ratty looking raptor.” “It does look like it needs a vacation.”

The phrase “average level birder” sounds unsettlingly like “average level murder”

Incredible to be a single woman at midlife when you realize how shitty most of your friends marriages are. You were never the sad person society tried to brand you as. My life rules, actually.

The feminine urge to throw baloney on every cyber truck you see

Surprised this got deleted instead of him doubling down and announcing America's AMAZING new health care plan!!!

Fitness instructor: Make sure you eat something healthy after this! Me, beelining to the kitchen and opening a bag of tortilla chips: pimento cheese has protein right

Americans will use literally anything other than the metric system

New kind of Wife Guy dropped

The horse op-ed is an instant classic. I can't tell you how much joy this piece gives me. It should be taught in every introductory writing class in no small part because the horse arguments are so compelling. "I have noticed that human children get to eat cake. But I am bigger than the children."

You know you’re living your life right when people are trying to hitch a ride on your party bus to Medieval Times

THREECOFFEESNOBREAKFASTTTT

This salad I had for lunch should repair the two weeks of damage done by living like an absolute animal during SXSW

I love asking my extremely spoiled dog, whom I’ve had 8 years since she was a puppy, if I can keep her

This is just to say I have completed the task I have been avoiding for months that only took me fifteen minutes forgive me avoidance is delicious so sweet to never learn

Bribing myself with Easter candy to do my taxes. I am 40 years old.

To me the funniest possible thing a man can do with a midlife crisis is get married. Like “oh no I’m alone and in my feels about it, better legally make this someone else’s problem” yeah bud that’ll fix all of the issues you refuse to examine within yourself

Life is such a rich tapestry. I hope to weave a good portion of it.

Sitting in the back of the session crying about elephants it’s SXSW baby!!

The Singularity is upon us: Apple's AI summarized a text message that read "I'm still down to clown if you are" to.... "clown event still possible."

You’re only “losing an hour” if you didn’t invest the hour you gained last fall in a high-yield debt instrument. Oh, you’re feeling a little sleepier than normal tomorrow morning? Some of us have been grinding since November

“Why is this my hobby” I ask myself, changing my shoe inserts from my regular running shoes to my trail shoes at 6:30am, thinking about the other runners even more insane than I am who’ve been out since 4am or whatever

I love doing the grimace-smile at my neighbors in greeting, like, “oh yeah we’re still alive — no need to speak about it!!”

Grandpa was a Lt. Colonel in the Army until he retired; he had a master’s degree and taught Spanish at a college too. Grandad was a lawyer. I am more outdoorsy and rugged than either of them, bless.

I keep hearing about this doofus on Love is Blind telling a lady she doesn’t work out enough for him or whatever and I think we should set him up with Ilona Maher

Me: Why do I feel ill I do not have time for this The moldy Galentine’s bouquet in my bathroom, producing the mold I am allergic to:

OH at brunch: “I have a mug that says ‘Born again virgin’! It was my grandmother’s.”

“What’s for dinner tonight?” Well based on the fact that lunch was half of a bag of potato chips and some suspiciously gritty tea things are not looking good

“You need more protein” You need more love in your heart bro

Happy Valentine’s Day losers

waking up in 2026 like

Everything is bad!! Ordering a $40 vegan, gluten-free Queen Cake should fix it, right? (This account is now exclusively about how much cake I am eating. The limit does not exist.)

Cake is the ultimate pre-workout you heard it here first folks