He has never solved a Wordle

All of these bootlegged copies of the 60 Minutes segment flooding my feed (saying, ‘Watch it quick! Before it disappears!’) makes me feel like I’m in the Soviet Union and just got some black market foreign newspaper I need to hide under a floorboard in my house. This is where America is now

It’s annoying that so many grifting cunts have ruined having a good moan at having used to personally enjoy things that are now slightly different

Not a single alarm on this new iOS has woken me up

If there was proveably one and only timeline, people would be less sanguine about others defiling the short amount of time we have on the planet with their fucking bullshit

That wasn’t very christmassy

Sluice them gates

Tonight you will be visited by three goats

Roll me up a brisket, nurse

live your life in such a way that an entire nation doesn’t repeatedly rewatch and vicariously live through you getting your jaw broken

Silent smell Holy smell

The labubu of people’s hearts

Gridlock in the Tesco car park

Maybe if I wear my Celtic socks, that’ll help

lol @ Wordle

Paging Peter Martin

Glasgow Celtic are fulfilling the role in the universe of proving that there is no point taking anything too seriously, but especially sport

Bluntly: America’s openly fascist government has now caught up with the screaming crackpot insanity of the average British newspaper columnist, 2010-25 or so.

What is “surplus water” please?

Child, showing off the Christmas card they’ve just written: Welcome to my beautiful handwriting

Well hello again wee fella

❤️ youtu.be/AFQETve1wS0?...

Putting in earbuds: MY left or STAGE left?

how to book your note

Five year old had some alternative lyrics for that Santa shake song: Down in the melancholy Autumn in the melancholy Down in the melancholy Ho Ho Ho

Enough fog, just snow now please

‘Perfect’ isn’t the enemy of ‘good’ you’re thinking of ‘evil’

Yes we should. It's a big club and the voters aren't in it. Time for that club to go away.

“So you are saying you feel like a preserved moose onstage?”

This should be headline news

Just saw a guy wandering down the street by himself, practicing feigning ignorance 😆

Given the choice of watching my national team get cuffed in the flesh for £2000 a ticket in the mass shooting capital of the world OR calling JD Vance a prick on social media, then it’s JD is a fucking total prick all day long

You wiggle it just a little bit and, just checking, are they happy with that or do they still keep asking?

I can tell my illness is getting better because I’m no longer yelping with pain and despair at the end of a coughing or sneezing fit

Phonemic paraphasia is a KIND of statecraft

The animals all thought Jesus was amazing, apparently

Lads people can read this font, that’s too fucking woke for my liking

New iOS made my phone heavier

Eaten alive awake

You’ll be visited by three spirits

Everyone imitates Tolkien all the time except when it comes to the one way it would really matter: making the protagonist of your novel for children a short, fat, 50-year-old man who doesn't want to do anything.

Israel has shrunk Gaza by 50% Anyone crossing the new imaginary border gets shot. Israel keeps moving this boundary Food & aid is woefully short Still no Journalists allowed Israels objective to make life intolerable in Gaza All illegal & all receiving zero attention our leaders & MSM

Shit, dismantled my expectations again

Anticipating a faultless network connection is a mistake of software developers Just leave up the last page that loaded, for goodness sake

You should be able to get rich being silly online instead of being evil online, that would solve a lot of problems

I have seen arguments made that pointing out Farage’s hypocrisy is counterproductive, as his most ardent supporters thrive in the thrill of that contradiction - arguing against it isn’t supposed to appeal to their sense of rationality, it’s to help them feel like a total prick for holding that view

Pâté is only meat butter Would like to be able to mention it without having to consult a style guide on extra marks above the letters if possible, thanks.

parents act like they didn't pull your consciousness out of the void and force it into a human body