visiting the east coast means access to good seafood; the yuppie-ass restaurant attached to my yuppie-ass hotel has oysters on the menu work pays for my meals when i’m at conferences so you can bet i’m having them for either lunch or dinner every single day i’m here 🤤

i have exactly three jokes memorized, all of which are dirty told my favorite one to a friend at this conference tonight and he laughed so hard he snorted; go me

Just in such a bad mood today 😮‍💨😮‍💨

didn’t realize i had booked the one seat behind the jump seat (?) on this flight; oh my gooooood i’m so happy lmao

a picture that captures your essence

oh btw i’m gonna be in new haven (ct) tomorrow through monday if one of y’all wants to like… bounce on it or spit in my mouth or summn

first selfie as austin a[redacted] i wanna go hooooooome

name is officially changed, just finished orientation for grad sküle that starts next month, and my ride-or-die @mntinytreasures.bsky.social and i are going to applebee’s for dinner fuck yeah

okay little gay people in my phone, tomorrow’s the big court day what do i want to get for dinner to close my last night as a [current last name that starts with f] before my first day as a(n) [new last name that starts with a]? on the bus home from work rn

happy pride month, bloomfies 🥰

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

welp, just got disowned by my father who was too fucking cowardly to call me and say it anyway how’re y’all tonight

⭐ pass it along; let’s see your pfp in its full-sized glory! ⭐

found an old vid in my snap memories so here’s a #fcf post from the archives

okay, woman behind me in line at the gas station if you cough and the rush of air is enough to make my hair move, you are too fucking close and need to back the hell away 🤮

help, i’m being mauled by a vicious animal

post your instructions (this is where my profile pic is from lmao, y’all stream this regina hardon masterpiece)

seeing grindr hookups out in the wild is so funny like i stuck my tongue inside your asshole but nobody here knows it, wild

reskeet with a pic of you on all fours i lost that little prostate massager :(

i am zoot and have a cosmic brownie; pu$$y has been popped also remembered i start grad school two months from today eek

figured out if i wake up 15 minutes earlier i can get to a half hour earlier (bus schedule is stupid) turns out that’s great for me because everybody in my office hallway gets there about the same time i used to so i can drink my coffee and stew about early mornings in peace 😌

y’all i just had a near-death experience 😅 (i almost bit into a mushroom in my kung pao chicken)

name change is a week from tomorrow eek any my entire family—both sides—are being so fucking shitty about it

Turns out I’m actually hella full of anger and I need someone to spit it at

well it’s been a shit ass fucking day and it’s only 3:00 pm how are y’all

i will only accept being referred to this from now on; thanks, @piandcake.bsky.social

quote with a fictional name that is not spinal tap

i had thai delivered (my fav) for dinner, yay i’m real zooted and this mango sticky rice is popping my pussyyyyyyyu

ugh y’all i’ve got a huge cystic acne lump swelling up on my left cheek and it fucking hurts 😩

Guillotines.

accompanying choir rehearsal (aka listening to the tenors screech oops) but i just wanna go hoooooome 😭

Me when Bluesky was down and stuck on another site.

I survived the great bluesky outage of may 18 2026

y’all tell me to be good and eat leftovers (that i will also be having for lunch tokorrow) instead of ordering pizza hut for dinner even though that’s the only thing that sounds remotely appetizing rn 🫣

god I bet using hyperbeam feels so good. imagine your most annoying hater—

tried a new brand of ouid soda tonight, it slaps

i was looking forward to my chipotle all day and it was bad 😔 so upset rn

i picked up dinner from a bougie steakhouse (i don’t like steak except for prime rib, which i’ve been craving); tell me why the broccoli i ordered is just an entire giant head of broccoli they didn’t bother to cut into individual florets 😭

oh wait it’s not my fat cock but here’s me sucking one a few years ago, happy #fcf bloomfies 😌 someone come fuck my throat

okay can someone explain why i’ve have “the lady in red” stuck in my head for like two weeks now

here’s the gay thing btw

how i’m trynna be 😮‍💨

y’all i’m so mad i bought a weed soda on wednesday; opened it tonight and there was something growing in it 🤮 glad i happened to notice it before i took a swig

okay not to sound like a whore but i would really like to be having unprotected anal sex with a man rn 🫢

god i have felt like fucking shit emotionally all day leave it to my father to be a stubborn asshole that manages to involve and drive a wedge between me and my mother (with whom he is not, nor has ever been in a relationship with) over this name change

update: it did noooooooot go well lol

ugh y’all i’m going to tell my father i’m changing my last name tomorrow i’m stressyyyyyyy

i know in my heart that going to a stevie nicks concert would heal me

accompanying choir practice at church job and the sopranos just cannot get their shit together no matter how many times we run this (easy) piece 🫢😒

n your top 15 tv shows ever, gut instincts only: barefoot contessa bob’s burgers friends broad city parks and rec veep ahs: coven the good place santa clarita diet south park the crown schitt’s creek derry girls downton abbey drawn together