I think inventing creme eggs might have been Jesus' greatest achievement

Me: *compliments bf* Bf: I *am* a bit of alright Me: okay Mary Berry Bf: ...but *she* doesn't like soggy bottoms 💀💀💀

Ina Garten Brings In Intimacy Coordinator For Shot With Fresh Lemon Tart https://theonion.com/ina-garten-brings-in-intimacy-coordinator-for-shot-with-fresh-lemon-tart/

Fuck Apple! When authoritarian governments are bringing in shitty laws it's useful to see which companies will go *above and beyond* them. This isn't required by law and yet Apple were horny to comply in advance www.theguardian.com/technology/2...

I have plans for this evening...

I caveat this by saying I don't know all the intricacies of American politics, but everything I have seen about this man makes me think he's terrible www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026...

Don't get me wrong, you can come to anxiety later in life, but unless you start early, you'll never be an expert 😌

Tell me I'm not the only one that reads this as "I'm forever and ever in love with pole"

Good evening, people in my phone

Can I interest anyone in a squirty topping??

Post Oscars thought: I wonder how many statuettes have been inside someone 🤔

Poppers?

My safe word is "grapefruit" because I can't take it anymore

Would anyone like some chocolate orange babka?

I have strong opinions on this 😅 Currently, I mostly write with a Fisher Space Pen (shuttle or bullet) but if I need to write a lot down I'll always go for a Bic Cristal Grip. Always black ink. But if I had to choose, I'm reaching for 7

Me, trying to explain chastity: he dungeoned my dragon

Or whatever Kpop Demon Hunters sing

Me when I'm looking at the restaurant menu

*opens front camera* Is there ever a time when my hair is not messy??

One of the benefits of going on a road trip with me

Unhinged thing I've said to my boyfriend: "Yeah, I'll tongue fuck that naughty lil creme egg"

Went to the store and they had stolen my diary

Look how @capitaloftexas.bsky.social bullies me in DMs 😭

I find it terrifying that 23% of people polled didn't know who controls the House and Senate. Also, this isn't me shitting on Americans, I'm sure it would be much the same over here

Me, talking to a top, pointing at my ass

I made challah and the braiding could be neater but I tried my best and am pretty happy with the end result

Age verification? I saw Shrek in the cinema

Nearly every BBC News article about the Epstein files contains the line "Being named in the Epstein files is not an indication of misconduct." I really want to know whose lawyers insisted on that

I feel like social media CEOs are under the misapprehension that we're there because we love their company when we are there only because it is currently the least worst option

I totally disagree with the premise. The left's general idea is "everyone should be better off" and the right's is "No they fucking shouldn't." Why would the left want to "win back the internet" if it involves having to spend time arguing with those losers? Echo chambers are pretty great, actually

I think I look my best in bed 😅

This is what I have to deal with from @arieskadmon.bsky.social.... actually, I can't pretend I don't enjoy it

Stitched this over the weekend

Hey

I'm just that good 😌

Thinking of changing usernames. On the one hand, I made this username eight years ago after about five minutes of consideration. On the other hand, when anyone changes usernames it takes me like six months to remember who they are

They McDonald's my coke until I fountain

I know the world is full of shitty news right now, so here is something nicer. A really lovely tribute to a lady who went viral in 2024 from the journalist who had originally covered the story www.bbc.com/news/article...

An important PSA. My first video, so voice reveal too, I guess.

It appears Keir Starmer won't condemn the kidnap and extraordinary rendition of another nation's head of state. For a former human rights lawyer he seems to have a very strange set of values

No one got mad at me this year because I'm wonderful and perfect 😇😌

To the people walking past my window whilst I was making pastry: Yes, the dancing was an integral part of the process

I love my Christmas tree decorations

Santa is a daddy. Santa is a bear. Santa requires you be a good boy. You have to wait for gratification from Santa. I think Santa has a lot to answer for why I'm the way that I am 🤔

I know this type of post isn't full of Christmas cheer (and, to be clear, I personally am doing good) but I know it's a tough time for many. Reach out to friends, to family, to me, or someone like the Samaritans if you need to this Christmas. Love y'all

I took this picture as a reaction to a message, but I actually quite like it, so I'm posting it. You're welcome lol

My boyfriend, mid-conversation, said, and I quote, "You look like a Make a Wish kid." The worst part is I can't disagree

They're behind me, aren't they??

So the BBC kicked out Nadiya Hussain for being anti-genocide and has now forced out Robin Ince for supporting trans right. What a wonderful organisation it is 😒